An Open Letter to Mrs. Anthony Weiner

By Spencer Dobson
Staff Writer

Dear Mrs. Anthony Weiner.

I don’t know a single thing about you, other than the fact that in pictures you are good looking and you and your husband look like a happy couple. I don’t know if you think that people who don’t like America suck or if you think Jesus could beat up Superman. I don’t know if you and Anthony are the kind of couple that is affectionate in public or if you are married because it was strategically beneficial. To be honest with you, I don’t care … at all.

I will say, Mrs. Weiner, this has been awkward for you and I’m sorry. Ultimately, this whole sexting twitpict deal is your problem. And the thing is, in reality, you might not give a shit about your husband’s sexting … at all. It’s entirely possible the whole country went “Oh no that guy is sending pictures of his dick to people” and you where like “Hey, he’s not sticking it in anybody and it helps him blow off steam after a long difficult, thankless day of being a truly inspiring politician who fought for his constituents and didn’t back down against people with more power and money than himself.”

I’m sorry you had to go through this. It seems like if you put your heart into your work the way your husband did and actually do the right thing time after time after time, the American people would thank you and stop worrying about how you jerk off. But we haven’t reached that point in our evolution. And it’s not like the American People aren’t sending pictures of their dicks to each other all day every day. We are a nation of hypocrites, and I’m sorry for that. 

I’m sorry we haven’t figured out that everybody has a sex life and for the most part, that’s perfectly ok.  Also, for the most part, it’s none of our business. As I said when Bill Clinton was in office, I don’t want the guy with his finger on the button to not be getting blown.  And Clinton actually got blown. Anthony was basically playing the sex version of Farmville.

I think maybe the economy will get so bad that we’ll make prostitutes legal. It won’t be ‘accepted’ but it won’t be ‘illegal’. Then when a politician get’s spotted with a hooker we can pretend we’re shocked and horrified and better than he is, but it won’t be a legal issue and we can worry about things that matter. Anthony didn’t go to a hooker. He had a fan who was into the righteous job he does and wanted to tear off a piece of that. Are we pretending we don’t understand that dynamic?  I don’t know why it is surprising that people in high pressure jobs need a sexual release. If he was fat and we saw him at a buffet, we wouldn’t think twice. If he drank a lot and was at a bar, drunk and he took a cab home, we’d be perfectly ok with that. But he has a libido and that’s threatening. I guess pick your release more wisely next time.

Don’t let people compare him to Larry Craig. This isn’t like Larry Craig, the guy who was tapping on shoes in bathrooms for gay sex. There is nothing wrong with gay sex by the way. The reason they are different is because Mr. Wiener didn’t build his career by creating fear about sexting. He didn’t exploit sextophobia to garner power and elicit contributions the way Craig demonized homosexuals and then of course, turned out to be one. He’s just a guy blowing off some steam. It’s not great, I don’t want to be in the same room when he’s doing it, but for that’s how I feel about most of the human race. I don’t want to see you poop, I don’t want to see you jerk off and I don’t want to watch you eat cottage cheese. That doesn’t mean you should be ostracized for it.  If my life depended on it and the choices where either watch Newt Gingrich jerk off or watch New Gingrich eat cottage cheese, I would have to really consider which is going to haunt my dreams more.

Mrs. Wiener, we lost a good leader when Tony stepped down. I doubt the person that fills his shoes will have the fire, the smarts and the core convictions that Anthony did. You’re husband didn’t hurt anybody, sex is a lot of things and one of the things it is is a way of showing affection.  You’re husband’s tweets where embarrassing and funny in an awkward way, but ultimately at the core, they came from a good place. He’s a man with a libido. I hope all this bullshit doesn’t completely ruin your marriage and lives. I just wanted to say I’m sorry we are a Nation of teen agers who can’t tell the difference between a war crime from a flirtation. That’s not true, we get rid of people for flirting, we elect you to a second term for war crimes.

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