Crap Critique: A review of stuff I found on the web

By Spencer Dobson
Staff Writer

The SculptMaster 3D (http://tiny.cc/3dsculpt) is an app that allows you to use your iPhone to make sculptures.

(writers note: I think I have reached a point where I need to do a few less poop jokes. Sure they’re funny and easy and let’s face it, in this day and age where people are so fractured politically and culturally, where we see eye to eye on almost nothing, at least we all poop. But I’m better than that. I’m clever and educated. I put effort into what I do and try to not phone it in. So in spite of the obvious appropriateness, nay the fact that I would simply be calling a spade a spade, I will refrain from talking about poop in this week’s article.)

The Sculptmaster 3D app uses virtual clay that is a sort of yellow brown that I’m sure will remind you of something. Maybe … uh … slightly brownish cheese whiz. Or the end product of shooting overly thickened gravy through a frosting gun. You are supposed to be able to shape and mold the “clay” into things like ducks or boats. Maybe I’m not that good at sculpture as I am only capable of making what look like piles of hummus if you shot it from a tube of tooth paste.
The App let’s you view the pile that you have created from any angle and add more brownish paste to it as you see fit. In real life you probably wouldn’t want to pick that pile up and roll it around, looking for a different spot to add some more goop. On your phone you don’t have to worry about washing your hands or running out of goop, so knock yourself out. Just keep piling it on until you can’t pile on any more.

If you make a pile that you are particularly fond of you can send it to your friends or your family with a little note that says something like “Hey look at what I piled up! Everybody clap for me!” or something like that.

So I guess if you just can’t spend enough time playing with brownish yellow stuff that’s the consistency of warm cream cheese, this is the app for you.

“Whopper Virgins” (http://tiny.cc/bleccch) A short film by Burger King

In “Whopper Virgins” the Burger King Corporation takes it upon itself to go to remote areas of the planet to find people that have never had a Big Mac or a Whopper (can you imagine? Poor, poor savages.) The premise is Burger King wants to find people that have never tried these two staples of America’s weight problem and see if they like Whoppers or Big Macs better. They do not hang out to see how people who have been eating healthy, unprocessed organic food for their entire life react to the chemical/hormone/processed onslaught that BK just politely asked them to shove in their Baklava holes. I’m guessing it looked like the Sculptmaster 3D app had suffered from a lack of coagulation after leaving the phone to enter the real world.

If I could say anything to the people who were just minding their own business in some little village off the grid, it would be this: “In the shining Kingdom of America, the simple food we gave you is made by people who exist to scare other people into working harder. This is the food that makes our children fat and our poor people diabetic. This is the food that helped the Lark scooter cross over from simply being a nice way for old and crippled people to get around to being a way for fat people to give up. This is assembly line food made by people who don’t like food and who will develop a profound disdain for humanity over the course of the time they prepare it. This is food that is conceived in laboratories and is flavored with who knows what. Now, simple people living in remote villages, with your funny hats and quaint customs, with your beautiful handmade clothes and the lack of knowledge that you are so broken inside that you need a million kinds of pills to get you back to human, We, the Fastfood Nation say to you, ‘Have it your way’ and by that, we mean, ‘we are coming for you.’ You don’t know what we are, but if you were wise, if the God you pray to is looking out for you, he would tell you to run us out of town by any means necessary. He would tell you to take those wrappers that the BK people thoughtlessly tossed on the ground of your pristine village and paint skulls and crossbones on them in human blood. Then post those warnings on the path to your backwards little town. You are simple and trusting. You probably have good morals and look out for each other. You don’t want to know us. We made Kim Kardashian a star. We’ll eat you for lunch. 

Maybe I’m idealizing these people. Maybe these little villages are full of selfish miserable jerks who really want nothing more than to tear America down so that they can be #1. Maybe each and every one of them would step on their own mothers neck to spend five minutes at a Dave and Busters. Na. They’re probably just wondering why anyone would travel so far to bring them something that made them so sick.

Questions and comments: