Five things from yesterday’s drive

By Spencer Dobson
Staff Writer

1. The mud flap might not be the best medium for promoting your ideas. The mud flap is a flap that’s dedicated to managing mud and rain water and roadkill guts. It’s good for communicating such ideas as: “Gas, Grass or Ass” or “Bad Ass” or “Redneck and Proud.” However, for the same reason you don’t make toilet paper printed with the Constitution or religious symbol diapers, the cross mud flap that I saw yesterday on Interstate 380 sends a confusing message at best. I can’t tell if you’re super Christian or making fun of Christians. Maybe if you had stopped and said out loud “I’m going to put cross mud flaps on my truck.” A well-meaning person standing next to you in the store could have crinkled their nose and said “well-meaning religious-based knick-knacks belong on the dashboard or if you really have something to say, paint it on the side or back of the truck. Mud flaps are for dirty things.” Maybe there should be an app for that.

2. Gas stations are getting better selections of hats.

3. I ordered a wild berry smoothie at McDonalds. It sounded healthy. I know there’s always a catch when somebody like McDonalds makes you think they are selling you something good for you, so I looked it up. According to the web, McDonalds puts so much sugar in their smoothies, they end up having more calories than their cheeseburgers. Maybe just stick to crap food that we know is crap food. Maybe don’t do the garden salad with chicken and caramel sauce. Or if they want to stick with this line of food, change the name to Psych! Ads could be like “Did you enjoy that apple? You feel like you ate something healthy? Our scientist found a way to make it have more calories than a stick of butter! Psych!”

4. Channel surfing on the radio, I found “Mr. Crowely” by Ozzy Osbourne is now on “Classic Rock” Stations. Classic rock is the last stop before “Golden Oldie.” “Mr. Crowely” is a song about Alister Crowley who wrote the Satanic bible. Even when I was at my most metal phase as a teenager, this song creeped me out a little. The guitar work by Randy Rhodes is amazing and the song rocks, but to me it was like a Ouija board or sheep skull with a pentagram on it, there was something real in the evilness of it. It wasn’t cartoonish like Alice Cooper, it felt like the Devil was in this song. (Side note: he wasn’t, because there isn’t a devil). Now Mr. Crowely is on the same play list as “Afternoon Delight” and “The Lido Shuffle.” Times a bitch.

5. I don’t understand why Rush Limbaugh is still on the air. People love him and have for years, so this is probably pointless. But I listened for 5 minutes. A caller called to say how “You don’t see Tornado survivors in Joplin, M.O. on t.v. asking for help from the government because they’re good Midwestern folk who do it by themselves.” Implying that the massive cleanup in Joplin is being done by the locals without help from the feds. So I googled FEMA and Joplin, MO. Of course they got help from the federal government. And if they didn’t then our government would be unspeakably horrible. Rush Limbaugh is, was and probably always will be full of crap. The sun is yellow, the water is blue, Rush Limbaugh is lying. This is life as we know it. Safe Travels.

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