In Xanadu Did Kubla Kahn

By Al Ness
Contributing Writer

If I were elected supreme bike czar of Fargo, my first task would be to order all of the architects to cease and desist with all these square-bottom buildings, and redesign to ride roundly, that is to say, circumferentially; safely squared buildings are boring.

In order to do that, though, I would have to order all the insurance agents to quit being jump-hating fear-mongers; that litigious tyranny trickles downhill, right to those sweet jumps down the block or around the corner until someone with a shovel comes along and wrecks them…who made insurance agents kings anyway?

I would order the immediate construction of the “Big Bike Bubble,” an amazing cycling-specific enclosure with all the assorted riding styles considered. For the leisurely lappers or the scary-fast psychlists, a sweet velodrome-style lap track around the perimeter, paved with the fastest surface available and banked to the angle of excellence.

I’d make a few phone calls to bring in the best track and park designers from around the country, to design a BMX track and skate park interwoven but unconnected throughout the bubble; over and under, up and around, then down and through.

Over near the waterfall is the trials bike area, those leaping lunatics on wheels, those bicyclists of balance; hopping and bopping like some crazed low-gravity leapfrog, from rock to rock in impossible feats of derring-do, jaw-dropping leaps and bounds all around.

A flatland section: fearless twenty-inchers practicing the kung fu-like skills of twisting, turning, shin-terror trickery, whipping out some sick gyroscopic feats of fascination, wonder and awe.

What’s flat without street, though? Build some spines, a box or two, ramps all around, lots and lots of curved surfaces.

Before streets there was good old-fashioned dirt: build a jumping corral off an incline for those filthy dirt-jumping animals to play around in, set some shovels nearby, give them ten, fifteen truckloads of some decent clay and put them to work.

Can’t forget about the BMX moms and dads of the world, the sport’s true behind-the-scenes heroes. They deserve someplace choice to sit and discuss racing strategy. Intersperse bleachers around the complex. Make them comfortable, cover them in some cool Zodiac sparkle-vinyl with racing stripes, so they look like old-school banana seats, and give them plenty of legroom.

Of course, riding makes one mighty hungry; so there’s got to be a café to serve up some tasty, healthy, clean-burning fuel/food for the hyperactive cyclist on the go.

Racers Garage style of chic, vintage bikes, busted bikes, trophies and banners, photos from tracks worldwide; a mini-museum of beautiful bicycles.
And that’s just what goes inside the bubble, imagine what there would be to ride on outside, re-elect me to a second term as Supreme Bike Czar and I would build it and show you.

However, the Big Bike Bubble would never be approved by the voters in this region; no way, no how, for the one simple fact that I did not include that one magic word. That all-important magic word that is so stereotypically important in this area. What could possibly convince people to vote to erect a building that would house an outdoor sports center indoors, out of the elements….hockey, I didn’t include the word hockey.

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