New Things to Bicker About

By Spencer Dobson
Staff Writer

Congratulations to New York State for passing gay marriage. This is a good thing that will make many people’s lives happier. I know having this issue settled is going to be hard for people, because now they can’t argue for hours about something that, for the most part has no effect on them what so ever. So if your East Coast relatives are falling into a funk, maybe you can send them this article and it will help them cope. This is a list of topics we can really sink our teeth into and bicker now that gay marriage is off the table.

1. I want to pass a law that say’s Car Salesmen have to apologize to every teacher they meet. This isn’t because car salesmen are sleazy or manipulative, many of them are honest people doing their job the best they can. I want this to happen because car salesmen still make a very decent paycheck in spite of the fact that they are almost completely irrelevant.

The internet is doing almost all of the work for them. You could literally make automobile vending machines at this point. We, the consumer, will read the carfax, we’ll do some car and driver searches on google and boom, I know exactly what I want and how much I should pay for it. So why did that guy just pocket $2000? The people that teach the little humans how to function as big humans are getting paid the kind of money that encourages good people to turn to petty theft and gun running, while the guy that says “Yes, we have a LeSabre with less the 50 thousand miles on it” is bleeding to death from paper cuts he got counting Benjamin’s. Seem fair to you?

2. Everybody gets tasers, or nobody gets tasers. This debate will be the precursor for
the “Everybody gets a death laser in their Iphone, or nobody gets a death laser in their
Iphone” debate that we will be having in 2013.

3. I want there to be a guy on every news show, talk show, argue show, infotainment show that can bring the whole thing to a screeching halt by going “no, you’re just lying and you know it.” Then everybody would have to stop talking and sit on their hands for five minutes and think about what they’ve done. So for example when Fox News say’s “Public Sector Employee’s make more than Private Sector Employees” this guy will stand up and go “No, you’re just lying and you know it” And then Mike Huckabee will have to take a time out on camera; no cookies, no woobie, no gameboy. Maybe next time fibbing won’t be so easy.
Yeah? No? Huh?

4. Should “Reality Shows” have to start showing reality. A camera will be placed in the cubicle room at an actual office. Viewers will watch people type. The TV watcher will see REAL conflicts like “Did you eat my left over pizza? It had my name on it.” “No, it’s right there.” “Ok, thanks.” Jokes will be so-so and nothing will be edited so there will be 1 minute of semi snappy dialogue for every 2 hours of skull numbing boredom. In 6 months, we’ll all feel better about ourselves, our lives and the choices we’ve made. Or will we?

5. I’d kind of like to start a smear campaign against pugs. We could plant some news stories that pugs have been eating old people or babies or if you’re Italian and a pug crosses your path on the sidewalk, turn and run the other way or shoot it because pugs are little adorable killing machines, at least when it comes to Italians. Do you think people would stick up for pugs or would they just go “yeah, that sounds right to me, I never trusted pugs.”? Let’s find out.

6. Should someone be inventing the twitter of smells? You tell me.

Hopefully that will keep you busy now that the gay marriage debate is winding down. Enjoy your arguments and have a good summer.

[[Spencer Dobson is a Stand-up Comic Living in East Grand Forks, MN.]]
http://www.spencerdobsoncomedy.com
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Spencer-Dobson/120779747968111

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