Obama’s Beside Himself

At a press conference on Tuesday, the lesser known white-half of President Obama called out the more popular black-half, citing an unfair distribution of credit for the president’s success.

“I’m getting a little fed up with this first black president crap,” he said. “I’m as liberal and as open minded on race as anyone, but really, pretty soon the next big headline will be: ‘first black president to drop a deuce on Air Force One.”

The president’s white-half insisted, however, that he doesn’t want to take all the attention away from his historic other half. He says he merely wants to share the spotlight a little and come “out from the shadows.”

“I made some key decisions on the campaign trail,” he said, “and it seems like all my contributions are being ignored because of one little mistake from years and years ago.”

The “little mistake” he mentioned is a reference to his idea to join Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s Trinity United Church of Christ. At that time—twenty years ago—the focus was on an eventual run for a spot in the state legislature in Illinois, where the African-American vote is of key importance.

Obama’s white-half thought that by joining the Reverend Wright’s church, the two could avoid the claims that the mixed-race, Harvard-educated candidate “wasn’t black enough.” Obama’s black-half wanted to join a quiet, middle-class church with a healthy mix of different races, but in the end, his white-half pushed him toward Trinity. To this day, the white-half has yet to admit the decision was a mistake.

“Certainly the Rev. Wright issue caused a few headaches, but we still won,” he said, “and if I hadn’t decided to hide myself a little in those early days, we might have never made it to the White House because we could have lost our state legislature campaign in ‘96.”

Later Tuesday, pundits across the cable news networks and the Internet were debating whether the white-half’s comments were racist. Here, federal regulations require an obligatory Rev. Al Sharpton quote within twenty words of a racism claim.

“I think that the president’s white-half is working in conjunction with the Republicans to sabotage the black-half’s first term in office,” Rev. Sharpton said. “If the bailout package fails, we will know who came up with that one, won’t we?”

The president’s white-half dismissed the racism claims in a Tuesday evening press release.

“How can I be racist when I have so many black friends?” he asked. “Take, for example, the other half of my genetic composition, or my wife and kids.”

Meanwhile, a furious President Obama’s 1/128th Cherokee Indian vented his frustrations to reporters late Tuesday afternoon.

“By calling himself the ‘white-half’ and not the ‘white-63/128th,’ he is completely denying my existence,” said the tiny fraction of the president. “We know our African father makes us genetically half-black, but that other 50 percent from mom’s side is not all his and he knows it.”

The Cherokee 1/128th eventually calmed down, saying he should have seen it coming because “it wasn’t the first time the white man has tried to wipe my people off the face of the earth.”