Republican Primary Tavern Ammo For Progressives

By Lance Hendrickson
Contributing Writer

There’s one thing for which I should credit our Republican friends: by and large, they have the good sense to stay out of bars. Wait – I can’t credit them for “good sense.”  Actually, they pound their brass monkeys on the porch at home because they’re usually old, cheap, joyless, and less likely to score than Kirstie Alley at a NAMBLA convention.

But we forget sometimes, we mahogany officeholders, that bars can be dangerous places, what with the happy juice and the testosterone and whatnot. Considering the hours I’ve logged funding the swimsuits & jetfare for the Swedish Bikini Team one Miller Lite at a time, I’m probably lucky only to have been in one bar fight.

It didn’t last long. One punch. I know, I know, fighting’s wrong, so I shouldn’t have … then again, considering what the loser claimed I’d been doing with/to/for male counterpart X, he both deserved and expected a bust in the mush. Heck, maybe he kinda secretly hoped I’d wind up doing something he’d mentioned with him instead of with my girlfriend, I dunno. But the cool thing was, that slobberknocker upside his jaw actually produced that “shh-pakkk” sound like in the movies. I’d never heard it in real life.

Anyway, I was reminded of that sound when I saw Texas Governor Rick Perry on the news yet again, “not” gearing up to “not” run for Prezzdent. That’s because somewhere in Pennsylvania, at that moment, I figured Rick Santorum was punching himself in the face as hard as possible, and the blows probably all made that very sound.

Perhaps that’s because Perry’s gonna commandeer all of Santorum’s political oxygen (in addition to his first name). Then again, Perry’s a handsome alpha male in a nice suit from a bar-fight kind of state, so mayyyybe Santorum’s frustration might be coming from something we can use to help Michele Bachmann (R-Stepford) win the Conpublican primary. I’ll explain.

Or, more accurately, I’ll very pointedly not explain, directly, and nobody should. That way, if Aunt Millie does happen to wheeze her polyester pantsuit ensemble into the tavern one night, it’ll wind up being her idea to cadge up a few absentees at the AFC home for Misha.

In fact, let’s not mention Santorum right off. Instead, let’s just remind Aunt Millie about some other virulently anti-gay Reepubs. Hm… so many choices … My personal favorite’s former U.S. Senator Larry Craig. He voted (twice) against adding “sexual orientation” to the federal hate-crimes law, and he made a big show of voting to grant states the right (which they likely already had) to whiz on gay marriage … and, then, of course, he wound up getting caught tapdance-cruising in an airport bathroom.

Or how ‘bout former Florida Republican state legislator Bob Allen? He (unnecessarily) signed Jeb Bush’s court filing in support of the state’s ban on gays adopting kids, and he co-sponsored some silliness to enhance penalties for, uh, gay sex … whereupon he was busted in the privy for offering a cop $20 to accept a beej. (People get paid for that? Wow …)

And what about former Republican Congressman Mark Foley? He chaired the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, he wrote various nasty letters about nudists … and then got himself caucused out of Congress for sexting with young male interns and pages.

Now, to be fair to California klanservative Senator Roy Ashburn, he’s one Repub-licken who did go to bars, so he might not be all bad. But he crowed loud & long about his 100% anti-gay voting record … annnd, then, he got busted driving a state-issued Chevy away from a gay bar with an “unidentified male passenger.” Roy wound up blowing a 14, but I suspect it wasn’t the one he’d had in mind.

Clearly, it’s low-hanging fruit – simply pick the closetcons who make you giggle, and drop Aunt Millie a few names and voting records. Then just dangle any one of Santorum’s anti-gay spewings like this one from ’03:

“In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be … ”

So, the rhetorical haymaker we give Santorum in the tavern sounds like this: “Man on child? Man on dog? Aunt Millie … you’re not really thinking about voting for this guy … are you?”

Questions and comments: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)