Rubber Chicken: Bush Prepares Presidential Liberry

With Presdient Obama officially taking over the presidency on Tuesday, only one obligation remains for now ex-President Bush: the creation of his own presidential library.
In addition to various artifacts and official documents, a presidential library also includes a selection of the former president’s favorite books, the texts that shaped his thinking and inspired his ideals.

“The question on America’s collective mind is obvious: What books does a president who doesn’t read choose to represent this part of his legacy?” asked Jacqueline Burnt, Columbia University chair of English Literature.

The one man who can answer that question is the same man who will be answering most of the big questions for the next four years: Barack Hussein Obama. Sources say that the incoming and outgoing presidents spent several hours together Sunday evening as Bush packed his books while Obama unpacked his.

An unidentified source within Obama’s staff witnessed this historical “restocking of the shelves.”

“To say their reading tastes are different is an understatement on par with saying that Israelis and Palestinians have a different vision for the future of the Middle East,” the source said. “I must say I was impressed with Obama’s diplomacy when he didn’t laugh at—or get angry with—a few of Bush’s statements.”

Reportedly, when Bush spotted Obama’s copy of Allen Wood’s introduction to the writings of 18th century German philosopher Immanuel Kant simply titled “Kant,” he told Obama that “Can’t isn’t in my vocabulary. I’m a can man.”

To that Obama replied: “Me too. I like to think of myself as a yes we can man.”

Then Bush said “right on” and held up his hand for a high-five, but pulled back at the last second, causing an embarrassed Obama to swat at nothing but thin air. Bush laughed and said: “Too slow, pinko.”

When Obama expressed his astonishment concerning the large number of pop-up books in Bush’s collection, Bush told him that “they’ll give you some of these too. They’re for reading to children during times of crisis while Biden runs the country from his bunker.”

The two presidents did share at least one similar reading interest—game theory. The inside source noted the implications as Obama put a book recommended to him by Bill Clinton, Robert Wright’s much acclaimed “Non-Zero: The Logic of Human Destiny,” in the spot where Bush had kept his copy of Lee Nelson’s “Kill Everyone: Advanced Strategies for No-limit Hold ‘em Poker.”

According to the source, the most awkward exchange occurred when Bush insisted on showing Obama his collection of Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendars. Touching only the edges of the calendars to ensure the mint condition status of each one, Bush flipped through the months, offering commentary on each photo.

“I’m guessing you like blondes. Now here we’ve got Marissa Miller,” Bush said as Obama smiled and ground his teeth at the same time. “She looks real pretty here, but I think it’s mostly airbrushin’ cause I’ve seen some untouched photos of her on the Internet where she looks like a real swamp donkey. If you know what I mean.”

Obama, said to be white-knuckle clutching a copy of Jean Paul Sartre’s “No Exit,” agreed that he certainly did know what Bush meant.

Saving for last what may be the only important historical text in his collection, Bush removed his New International version of The Bible from the shelf.

“I prefer this one to the King James and all that fancy Shakes-queer talk,” Bush said. “But I suppose you’ll be putting The Koran in its place.”

“You do know I’m not really a Muslim, don’t you?” a shocked Obama replied.

“Funny, but that’s exactly what Saddam said when he used his one phone call to beg me for a pardon,” Bush said. “I guess it really is true: like father, like son.”