Valid Questions For Michele Bachmann

By Adam Quesnell
Contributing Writer

DISCLAIMER: … Humor Column … I don’t claim to actually know anything about politics …  HPR doesn’t support my claims … and … Humor Column. Enjoy.
I was spending my Sunday afternoon watching, “G.I. Joe: The Movie” (the animated movie that was released direct to video in 1987) in 19 segments on Youtube, like I do every Sunday morning, and it brought up some pretty serious questions about one of the Republican party presidential hopefuls. After watching “G.I. Joe: The Movie,” I have a legitimate right to believe that Michele Bachmann is in fact the villain “Golobulus,” the half snake-half man ruler of the Island of Cobra-La. He could also be called the instigator of one of the most heinous plots in the history of G.I. Joe, nay, the United States. I came to this conclusion because it is my understanding that Michele Bachmann believes that same sex couples should not be able to get married and she is actually fighting to make sure that gay couples never receive this obvious and fundamental civil liberty. Now, clearly, the only person who would have this attitude toward gay marriage is some sort of half-snake monster from another world. I mean, no compassionate human being that treats other human beings with the dignity and respect they deserve as people living within our country would think that same-sex couples can’t affirm their marriage in front of God and their nation. Therefore … Michele Bachmann must in fact be Golobulus, the villain from “G.I Joe: The Movie.” It is with this assertion that I pose a series of questions, to be answered by the candidate in a letter addressed to the readers of this paper, should the unholy all powerful master of Cobra-La deem us deserving of a response.

Question 1: Representative Bachmann, in 1987 you masterminded a plot to infect all of planet earth’s inhabitants with mutated snake spores, thus turning them into your unwitting snake spore zombies. Are voters simply supposed to look past this fact when they go to the polls next November? Have you done anything in the past 24 years to show that you wouldn’t immediately use your power in the office of president to take revenge on G.I Joe, the organization that foiled your plot?

Question 2: How did it make you feel when you finally realized that Cobra Commander was not going to yield the destructive results you required? Essentially, your master plan had failed; you had backed the wrong horse in Cobra Commander and clearly you were angry … but what other emotions did this failure instill in you? What lessons did you learn from this event that you might apply to winning the election, or in creating policy in the office of the President?

Question 3: Clearly, the lower half of your body is that of a giant snake that you keep locked within some sort of techno-organic orb until it can be revealed for dramatic effect. My question is simple: are you using magic from the realm of Cobra-La to hide this from our sight and create the appearance of normal female legs? Or, did Cobra scientists or other independent contractors develop this technology?

Question 4: For the sake of dismissing accusations of any conflicts of interest, will you forfeit control of any Cobra-La based technology firms you hold shares in if you are elected? It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this torso cloaking technology, as well as any other snake-based super tech will benefit our military. Would you feel right about profiting from that?

Question 5: If elected, would you give cabinet positions to Pythona and Nemesis Enforcer? Most pundits would agree that these would be dangerous choices, considering their lack of experience in politics as well as their involvement in your plot to turn the entire world into infected snake zombies.

Question 6: It is no secret that Cobra Law’s higher education system has been in shambles for hundreds of years due to increasingly high tuition, over-regulation, and irresponsible use of tax payer dollars on creating programs to turn the population of the world into snake-spore zombies rather than giving education the priority it deserves. What makes you think you are qualified to address these issues for colleges in the US?

Question 7: Your Wikipedia page suggests that you were born in Waterloo Iowa; however, the supposition that only a horrible half-snake torsoed monster would so vehemently oppose same-sex marriage, suggests that you were actually created hundreds of years ago on the mythic island of Cobra-La. You proceeded to create Cobra Commander and send him to conquer the world of humans. He failed, and you then created Serpentor to carry out your plan to use poisonous spores to turn all humans into snake monsters. Any school child could come to this same conclusion with the facts given. That stated, are you willing to provide a long-form birth certificate, as well as submit to a battery of genetic tests, several of which involve the extraction of spinal fluid, to prove that you are not Golobulus, the half snake man responsible for the parachuting of many laser-wielding US soldiers?

Every day that I do not receive a response (including a long form birth certificate, a picture of the new born Michele Bachmann wrapped in an American Flag and samples of spinal fluid), is a day that I will assume that I am correct in my hypothesis that because of Representative Michele Bachmann’s strong opposition of same-sex marriage, she is actually using magic or Cobra technology to hide her true identity as Golobulus, the half-snake monster from “G.I. Joe: The Movie”. Goodnight, and good luck.

Adam Quesnell is a stand-up comedian and writer working out of Moorhead, MN. Send feedback to .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address), follow him on twitter at twitter.com/adamquesnell or visit http://www.adamquesnell.com