Operation Patty Cake

By Josh Steiner
Contributing Writer

When conducting leftover ops it’s important to maintain your cover…

Today we will talk espionage and misinformation as it pertains to you during the holidays, then engage in a diplomatic game of Patty Cake…

Every year after Holiday meals you become a covert agent…

That’s right, every time you try to sneak leftovers onto the dinner table while trying to look nonchalant, daring only furtive glances at your family, you are actively engaged as a secret agent. Your mission: feed the family leftovers while actively covering up your directive with misinformation, reinvention and creative cover ups.

Often you can use disinformation to achieve success for your operation leftover; meatloaf is broken down and thrown into tomato sauce, now it’s “meat-sauce”, sliced, pan seared and topped with cheese placed on a bun, now you have a “cracker cheeseburger”. These are examples of disinformation make sure to remember this lesson because all covert operations rely on a steady stream of misinformation. Now that you have been debriefed on disinformation, let’s move on to disarming the alarm.

During Operation Leftover, even your own kitchen could be working against you.

Agents in the know are aware, during Operation Leftover the microwave is the enemy. You all know the results when your collective family hear the tell-tale ding of this traitorous piece of technology. All of the careful planning and disinformation is for naught, the leftover covert operation is now over, you have just advertised your objective and the family knows what you are up to.

Once they know leftovers are in store, there could be a unified family retreat, leaving you to bear witness to a Mcdairyking burger and fry mutiny. Operation Leftover could now be on permanent furlough, next move is Operation Leftover disposal. However, failure in this operation is not an option because these days it’s important to stretch your family dollar and Mcdairykings will only stretch your family midsection. So instead let me show you a microwave free example in a calculated game of patty cake.

Your mission, if you should choose to accept it will be: Operation Patty Cake…

I will be your only contact regarding Operation Patty Cake. If any one else contacts you regarding this mission, it is in all probability a family counter operative trying to blow your leftover potato cover. Trust no one with the classified status of this operation and we will feed everyone in the family leftovers without exposing the directive. First step in every covert operation is the so called commencement step.

The commencement step is to craft a plausible cover story; I recommend the classic “ranch” potato cake cover up. You will need: 1 Tblspn dried parsley, 1 tspn dill, 1 tspn onion powder, ½ tspn garlic powder, 1 tspn Kosher salt and ¼ tspn black pepper. Combine all and set aside.

Have you made sure your family is busy with the X-box, running errands, yard-work, or otherwise occupied and more importantly nowhere near your kitchen? Well done, Special Agent, an excellent example of maintaining anonymity. Now focus and get back to the operation, set aside a Tblspn of the “ranch” but fold the rest of the spice into your leftover mashed potatoes. Now in a small bowl mix together the reserved Tblspn of “ranch” cover-up and combine with 1/3 cup flour then set aside.

Now what other stealthy flavors are in your fridge or freezer? Do you have any leftover turkey, frozen peas, or corn? Any of these will make a great cover up ingredient, (personally I prefer peas if using the ranch) once you’ve chosen your clandestine filling (if using frozen vegetables, first blanch in boiling water), otherwise just stir ingredients in to conceal. How much? Depends on how many leftover mashed potatoes you have, but soon you will be making these into patties so don’t add too much for the potatoes to hold together.

Most Covert Operations revolve around foreign oil and this one is no exception.

It’s the truth Special Agent; grab your olive oil (not extra virgin), give a covert couple of swirls around the pan and pre-heat the oil on medium heat. What’s that, you’re a butter purist when it comes to potatoes? Go ahead, although the pan will get too hot for butter alone; you can mix a little butter into the olive oil which will allow buttery undertones while increasing the butter’s smoking point so it won’t burn.

While the oil is heating, form concealing patties out of your mashed potatoes (about 1 ½ inches in circumference, and pat each side liberally with the reserved spice/flour camouflage knock off the excess flour. Our operation is nearly over, pan-fry 3-5 minutes a side until browned. Carefully remove when each side is unrecognizable as mashed potatoes and garnish with a dollop of sour cream and some chopped chives.

That, dear reader, is an example of a successful and effective Operation Leftover, starting with
disinformation by way of changing the name. Then silencing and securing the microwave alarm, and creatively presenting our leftovers. The results are a family unit that is left unaware of Operation Patty Cake although it took place right under their noses.

Good luck with Operation Jellied Cranberry…

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[Editor’s Note: Joshua Steiner has worked in restaurants and kitchens for most of his life and held just about every conceivable job in the industry. Now he’s bringing his tips, tricks and travels to The High Plains Reader and @thepeoplespressproject.org for use in YOUR kitchen.]