2010: 25 Hated Things

By William Block
Contributing Writer

1. The half spider—half scorpion that was discovered in a cave in Yosemite. It has poisonous claws. This is something from 2010 that is totally, not OK.

2. April 17th, 2010: Mother wouldn’t let me borrow the car to pick up the/my girl with the attractive profile pic for a date. “You’re twenty seven! When you can afford to split the car insurance payments with me, you can drive my car.” Cute internet girl was as cold as regular real world girls after finding out I was poor and had no car.

4. Once again, another year goes by without the nvention of a hover board. 2015 isn’t that far away, not angry, just worried. Back to the Future II you promised me.

5. NASA told us it discovered new life . . . then informed us it was just tiny little microbes in a California lake made out of arsenic. NASA apparently didn’t look up the nickname of arsenic which is “Poison of Kings.”

6. January 1st, 2010:  Spain took over the Presidency of the Council of the European Union from Sweden.

7. The penny…still used as currency.

8. April 19th, 2010: The cute internet girl has changed her “dislikes.” One of the new items listed is me. Mother seems to be happy with this and informs me that all I need to do is go and pick out a couple of cats from the animal rescue center.

9. Was very very upset that many of my favorite rich muscular athletes were found to have been cheating on their wives. No more heros.

10. Sean White won the gold medal at the 2010 Winter Olympics and pulled off his Double McTwist 1260, nicknamed The Tomahawk. Wait, I didn’t hate that. That was TOTALLY AWESOME.

11. Find out that my suffering in April is linked to a global awfulness. An earthquake in China explodes, the President of Poland’s plane crashes and explodes, Iceland’s unpronounceable volcano explodes, an oil rig explodes in the gulf of Mexico, Greece’s credit gets junked and the Euro and stocks explode (implode?). Way to go April of 2010!

12. May 7th, 2010: The Neanderthal Genome Project discovers after much scientific-ing that we got it on with Neanderthals way back in the day. So gross!

13. Have to retire all of my cute dog/cat/bird calendars. Saw previews for the new 2011 calendars and they don’t hold a candle to the 2010s. In fact, they dropped that candle on the floor and smothered the flame.

14. October 10, 2010: The Netherlands Antilles are dissolved, with the islands being split up and given a new constitutional status. Really, really thought they were going to stick together forever. Hate it when good couples break up.

15. Still no new missions to the Moon. No Moon huts. No Moon golf course. No Moon romantic get-aways for two. No nothing. It’s right there, I can see it every night and sometimes during the day. It’s boring. Do something, NASA.

16. August 24th, 2010 12:36 P.M.: Turned twenty eight and didn’t receive any gift certificates or money in birthday cards for the ninth year in a row.

17. August 24th, 2010: 8:30P.M.: Told my family and friends I didn’t care about my birthday and did not want a surprise birthday or birthday party at all. They listened and followed through.

18. My 6-year-old nephew is capable of beating me at any game on the Wii. Challenged him to old school Super Mario which he calls “boring” and “flat” after ten minutes of play. Feel very alone and old.

19. No notable leaders in 2010 took a stand against giant squids. They are still multiplying (having squid sex) and killing everything in the open ocean. People wonder why there’s a huge decline in the world’s open ocean fish stock. Take action now. Kill all the giant squids and their babies.

20. November 25th, 2010: Mother asked me if my internet girl friend was too busy “chatting” to show up for Thanksgiving. Don’t have the heart to tell her the “chatting” ended a while ago.

21. The best of The Golden Girls, Blanche Devereaux, was killed by 2010. Come to think about, 2010 probably killed a bunch of old people and some babies! 2010 had a heart as cold as the Arctic air if it had one at all.

22. Lame high school chants by cheerleaders, such as, “Let’s Go! Let’s Go! L! E! T! S! G! O! Let’s beat them again! like in 2010!” (This only works if that high school is defending the same state title against the same rival team they beat the year before.)

23. Mother telling me that I need to move out cause my minimum wage doesn’t pay the bills. I mean, that is crap! I’ll pay rent after I pay off my 55” flat screen. Besides, she always using it to watch Antique Road Show. So much B.S. on the P.B.S. Learning is overrated.

24. 2010 brought us one year closer to that day when the sun runs out of juice, expands and destroys any evidence that we ever existed at all. Thanks for the reminder 2010.

25. 2010 is just a term for a time holder that mankind thought up to gain some control over a universe that is uncontrollable and therefore can not be punched in the face. What’s up 2011, let’s do this!

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