A Parent’s Perspective on Surviving Suicide

My son Derrick took his life on November 3, 2009.

The minute I think of these words and/or say them, instant tears. Tears for a wonderful son that I no longer get to see, feel, touch, hear, talk to, laugh with, share their dreams, no marriage, no grandchildren, all the hopes and dreams I once had from this gift from God are gone.

Was I mad at God? No. Was I mad at Derrick. No. For on that day, Derrick thought that he had no way back. There is a saying out there that goes like this, “It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” What most don’t understand, is that they do not think it’s a temporary problem; to them there is only forward and no rational thought to make them stop. If there was rational thought, they could not possibly have left us behind knowing the pain and grief they left us to bear. How could I possibly be mad at my beautiful boy?

Through educating myself on suicide and whatever I could get my hands on, I now have a better understanding of what he was going through. What I am is sad. So sad, that he thought there was only one way to go and believed what his mind was telling him.

I’ve heard people say often, that all he/she would have had to do is to reach out; they would have been there for them. To those who are trying to understand suicide, know this, once they are in that frame of mind, there is no reaching out, for all they see is a wall. There is even greater sadness when you go to suicide memorial sites and see all the young people that have been taken from us. Can you imagine all the broken hearts from losing just one person?

My first thought in the morning, when my eyes open, is that Derrick is gone. I think of him all day long. He is the last person on my mind when I lay my head down on my pillow and cry and pray.
I’ve heard that I will eventually begin to find memories as comfort and smile when I remember. As of this writing, I still cannot look at his pictures. All I can see is this beautiful person that I lost and will never get to feel again in this lifetime.

He was a gentle soul that did not deserve this and most certainly does not deserve to be judged by others who don’t understand. Do not judge those that feel there is only that one answer at that one moment in time. All they can see is a way to quiet whatever is causing them pain.

For all of you walking in my shoes, my heart goes out to you. For those of you who do not understand suicide, nothing could bring me more joy than knowing that you will try to learn more.

-Jill Lund
Mother of Derrick Yates

[Editor’s Note: There are many services available locally for people who are feeling suicidal and for people coping with the loss of a loved one to suicide.  If you or someone you know are in a suicidal crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  For information on local support groups, counseling, or other mental health services, call the FirstLink HotLine at 2-1-1 or 701-235-SEEK (7335).]