All Hail The King of the Roast: Jeffrey Ross

By Spencer Dobson
Staff Writer

“They only remember the home runs.” That was the advice comedy legend Milton Berle gave Jeffrey Ross after Ross’s first ever roast at the Friars Club. “I took it to mean ‘go big, or go home’.” Ross, it seems, did not chose to go home.

“A lot of you don’t know me, but I feel uniquely qualified to be here because I am also a crappy actor” – Jeffrey Ross Roasting Steven Segal at his first ever Friars Club Roast.

Ross’s comedy path began 20 years ago at a comedy writing class in New Jersey. He has since gone on to become a mainstay of Comedy Central’s Celebrity Roasts; had appearances on Letterman, Leno, Kimmel, Conan, Real Time, Carson Daily and The View; received the best feature award at the Montreal comedy Festival for his film “Patriot Act: A Jeffrey Ross Home Movie” and has written a book “I Only Roast the Ones I Love: Busting Balls without Burning Bridges.” Oh, and he has a new CD/DVD ‘NO OFFENSE: LIVE FROM NEW JERSEY” that is available at Amazon.com.

If you have not sat down and watched a Celebrity Roast, you are in for an experience. The premise is very simple: Select a famous person (Hugh Heffner, Pamela Anderson, David Hasselhoff), put them on a stage, get a bunch of their friends and piers (Sandra Bullock, Marlee Matlin, George Takei) then throw in some of the best comics working today (The late Greg Giraldo, Patton Oswalt, Lisa Lampanelli, Whitney Cummings) and proceed to rip said Celebrity a new one.

The Roasts are laugh out loud funny, not LOL funny, “laugh out loud”. And they are brutal. Ross believes people have been enjoying this form of entertainment since medieval times. “The Court Jester would make fun of the king, but back then you got your head chopped off.”
“This roast is impossible, how do you embarrass a crackhead who wears a Viking helmet? How do you roast charcoal?” Jeffrey Ross Roasting Flavor Flav on Comedy Central.

The Roasts are racially insensitive, sexually insensitive, orientation insensitive, sobriety insensitive … you get the idea. Everyone is a target, but everyone also gets a turn. So why is something that is so vicious and almost cruel so watchable and fun? “I think people love the spectacle of a big shot, sitting in the hot seat, being taken down a notch … (also) It’s human nature. You have to pick targets and can take a joke and take it right to the edge. Sometimes you piss people off, and sometimes they just love it. Everybody is different. And every Roast is a unique situation. There is a lot of skill, but there is also a lot of luck involved. You want to pick people that are good targets, but that also have thick skin.”

“Andy Dick’s sole mission in life is to give aids back to the monkeys.” Jeffrey Ross to Andy Dick at the Celebrity Roast of William Shatner.

Ross didn’t go into any specifics about any jokes that may have gone too far or feelings that may have been hurt along the way but he did say that jokes cross whatever ‘the line’ is “All the time. Sometimes these jokes end up on the cutting room floor and sometimes they end up featured in the promos. When you are doing special material for that special person, on that special day, you don’t always know how it’s going to go over … it’s a bit of a crap shoot and that’s the other thing that I really love about it … its fireworks.”

“Mary Kate and Ashley were supposed to be here tonight, but they heard there was going to be food” Jeffrey Ross on the Olson twins at the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget.  Ross’s position as the heir apparent to such insult greats as Buddy Hackett and Don Rickles was not by design. “I’d see them once in a while on ‘The Tonight Show” with Johnny Carson when my parents were watching it, but I feel like it wasn’t something I was really thinking about, because I never dreamed that I could be a comedian … I wanted to be a rock star or a DJ … being a comedian seemed like magic, to be able to make people laugh. I grew up in a house where I was probably the least funny person around, so this is sort of a happy accident.”  “I am the world’s biggest Star Trek fan, I’ve seen every episode a million times, I always wish, just once, that space ship of yours would land on a planet with an acting school”  - Jeffrey Ross Roasting William Shatner The Roast’s have given Ross a chance to see others try their hands at roasting as well, which can be a pleasant surprise. “At this last one for Donald Trump, I was so impressed by Marlee Matlin, she’s an actress, she’s deaf and she’s an Oscar winner. And she certainly doesn’t need to be doing a roast. She volunteered to be there and she’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever seen doing a roast. And she was a really great sport, she took a lot of hits herself.”  “I guess I’m the perfect choice for this roast, because like the situation, I too have never heard the sound of laughter”—Marlee Matlin, The Celebrity Roast of Donald Trump On the Other side of the coin is The Jersey Shore’s The Situation, who was booed off stage that same night. “Like Charley Sheen, sometimes people try to be comedians who aren’t necessarily comedians, and sometimes they go down in flames, luckily, the Roast Master General was lurking nearby to save The Situation,” Ross literally ran to the mic to quite the crowd and implore them to let The Situation finish his shtick.

“I hear the next season of the Jersey Shore is going to be shot in Italy, I hope that’s just a sneaky way of deporting you” - Jeffrey Ross to The Situation at the Celebrity Roast of Donald Trump.  The Trump Roast was filmed before Donald was flirting with the idea of running for President. Which brings up the question : How would you feel if you had roasted the future President of the United States? “I guess I’d pray for a ride on Air Force One. I’d pray for another chance to roast him … I actually think being roasted should become a requirement for becoming president, because what better way to show the public that you are like everybody else and that you’re a good sport, and that you’re not above criticism.”

“Donald Trump is such an egomaniac he makes Hitler seem like he wasn’t completely sure how he felt about Jewish people.” - Jeffrey Ross, the Celebrity Roast of Donald Trump.  Ross’s Roasting fame has made dealing with the public a little more interesting. “I’ll be sitting at a red light and people will pull up and say “roast my car.” And as far as public restrooms go, urinals are out of the question. “I have to hide, people will start roasting my body parts, it can get very disturbing.”

Ross’s new book “I only Roast the Ones I love: Busting Balls without Burning Bridges” acts as a guide for new roasters on how to use their roasting skill in everyday life. For example, according to Ross ”If you can make a women laugh at herself, you can make her do anything … So for example I’ll say ‘Listen, I don’t normally like it when one boob is bigger than the other, but it seems to work on you.’  And if she laughs at that, you know you got her.”

On roasting friends and family, Ross suggests you keep it a little bit lighter and loving. “There is no greater way to get written out of a will than to piss off your rich aunt at Thanksgiving. That’s a very fine line. Make it more of a toast, then a roast.”

Ross’s circles continue to broaden. He has made a recent dramatic appearance on “C.S.I” as well as appearances on “Six Feet Under” and “Weeds” His most dangerous recent appearance (aside from his multiple USO Tours) was a very short stint on “Dancing with the Stars.” Says Ross, “my partner had big, long, fake finger nails and I went to hit my mark and got caught. I got poked in the eye. A scratched cornea, on the premiere, I danced against doctors orders and so I had to wear an eye patch. I danced poorly, I got eliminated. I was off before the first commercial break it was so fast. I think Jeopardy was still on in some parts of the country when I got eliminated. I still love dancing though, even though when I was out there doing my cha cha, people thought it was a telethon and sent money, to help the uncoordinated.”

The Roast Master General Jeffrey Ross will be appearing at the Fargo Theatre, Thursday, May 26 at 8:00 P.M. call 701-239-8385 for more information.

Listen to a Phone Interview with Jeffery Ross by Spencer Dobson

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IF YOU GO:
Who: Jeffrey Ross
What: Jeffrey Ross Roasts Fargo
When: Thursday, May 26 at 8:00 p.m.
Cost: $27.50 reserved seats, $37.50 front row