Americans Discovering In-home Restaurant Machine

As more and more Americans search for ways to cut back on household expenses, many have learned that almost every home and apartment kitchen comes with a built-in “restaurant machine,” that large, box-shaped device with several knobs or buttons on the front and four spiral-shaped discs on the top.

“I’ve often wondered what that thing was for,” said Jeffery Paulson. “Imagine my surprise when I found that I could use it to cook food, just like a restaurant does.”

While many Americans were previously aware that the refrigerator could be used to store restaurant leftovers and that the microwave could be used to reheat those leftovers, the vast majority are just now finding out that this restaurant machine can be used to actually make the same dishes found at TGI Friday’s and other favorite establishments.

“I used my machine to make pasta with chicken and broccoli, like at the Olive Garden!” said Carol Evans. “It was just as good, and it was much cheaper. I wish someone had shown me how to use this thing when I was younger.”

Apparently, the in-home restaurant machine was once used several times a day. Noted historian Calvin Denson is currently writing a book on the history of the machine, which he claims was called an “oven” or a “stove” by our ancestors.

“It appears that they would dine at restaurants only on rare, special occasions,” Denson said. “But almost all of their regular meals were prepared with the in-home restaurant machine.”

Denson also said that with the money saved by using the machine, these thrifty people were able to accomplish things unheard of today, including saving money for their kids’ college education, putting up substantial down payments when purchasing a car or a home, and establishing an outdated investment account known as “savings.”

Though statistics show that millions of Americans, in an effort to live within their income level, are learning how to use the restaurant machine, the change is not welcome among everyone.

“I tried the machine and it sucked,” said Jeremy Gates. “The food was pretty good, but when I was done the plates just sat there for days. What kind of restaurant doesn’t bus tables or wash the dishes?”

“It was disgusting,” he added.

The restaurant industry has heavily criticized the in-home machine, with some executives even accusing its users of being traitors to the American economy.

“While these greedy bastards hoard their money, a cornerstone of the national economy suffers,” said Pudsuckers Marketing V.P. Stanley Hobbins. “I mean, if people start cooking their own meals and mixing their own martinis, how are most of America’s college graduates supposed to survive?”

And while many agree that the food is great and the price is even better, several miss the fun atmosphere of their favorite chain restaurants.

“Now I can make the same menu as a restaurant, but I miss the zany names they would give the food, like the Jamaican-me-crazy chicken sandwich or the Dark Knight pepperoni pizza,” said Rachel Parsons. “I’ve tried, but my liberal daughter refused to eat my hot-Latin-temper enchiladas. She said they were offensive, but I don’t know how she decided that because she didn’t even taste them.”

And some feel the quality of service at home is lacking.

“My mom doesn’t smile like the waitresses at restaurants do, doesn’t check to see if I want a refill of my drink and doesn’t ask me if everything is tasting alright as I’m chewing the first bite,” said Parsons’ son Kurt. “I hate this recession, and I hate this stupid restaurant machine.”

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