Cake Flavored Yogurt

By Spencer Dobson
Contributing Writer

Let me say, right out of the shoot, if society falls apart, or if there is a rapid shift to a dystopian future, I’m going to grab a lawn chair and sit in the middle of Interstate 29 until the thought police or battle tanks or humanoid robots or zombies or whatever come and turn me into soylent green. I will not be on the ship in the Matrix. If I was in “Logan’s Run” I would be like “Well, it’s been real. Let’s go to bounce house of death.”  If I do decide to stay, after the zombie apocalypse or whatever, I’m going to whine a lot. “I don’t want to run from zombies today, can’t they just give it a rest.”

I’m writing this article on May 21, the day of the supposed Armageddon/Zombie apocalypse. I’m not thinking about the end of the world because of some prophecy that claims the world will end today. If that happens, you won’t be reading this. On a side note, I’ll bet you anything that in 9 months there is going to be a rash of what we will come to call “Zombie Apocalypse Babies.” Their conception will have happened because two people were sitting at a bar on May 21 having the following conversation:

“What would you do if it was the last day of the world?”

“Make sex on you.”

“Ditto.”

And that’s how zombie apocalypse babies are made. This will make answering to the question “Mommy, how did you and daddy make me?” A little awkward. “Well honey when a man and women are drunk enough and figure that the world is going to end by 6 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, they make what are known as ‘short term choices’ because they figure, ‘what the hell, we’ll all be dead by morning.’ That’s why me and your father, or as I call him, ‘The reason I will never drink again’ have you.”

But like I said, I’m not worried about the apocalypse today. I’m worried about yogurt that tastes like cake. It doesn’t taste exactly like cake. But for yogurt, it tastes a lot like cake. It’s like if a penguin could do an impression of Lucile Ball, you’d cut it a lot of slack for even making you think, “wow, that penguin bears a passing resemblance to Lucile Ball.” And then you’d take a cell phone pic and send it to your friends. This yogurt is that penguin except it’s like cake instead of Lucile Ball.

You can sit there and tell me that cake flavored yogurt is for people watching their weight, who want the “cake experience”, but don’t want the cake calories. Plausible. Sure.  But let me tell you something, cake is cake and yogurt is yogurt. People who want cake, want cake, people who want yogurt, want yogurt. You might be tricking people who were going to have yogurt in the first place into thinking they are eating something decadent and cake-like, but nobody who had it their mind that it was time for a big ass chunk of cake, is going to be cut off at the pass by yogurt. If you give your kid a cake flavored birthday yogurt with a candle in it, the state will take your children and put them in a foster home where they will loved properly and they will be right to do so.

The real reason they are making cake flavored yogurt is because you can serve it in those pouches. Why do you need to serve cake in a pouch?  Because in the future, you won’t just be able to go outside and hunt down cake in the wild, in the future you won’t be able to go outside. In the future we will not just enjoy Friendster/myspace/facebook, we will literally live it.

In this future, facebook style reality we will have been lured into pens by wifi and 3D flatscreen tvs, and when the door slams behind us a voice will say “Welcome to your new page, would why don’t you fill out your profile” And then a keyboard will appear and you will type in your criminal record, number of sexual partners, drug habits, religious views, any anti-tea party thoughts you might have, anything negative you’ve ever felt about Ronald McDonald and so forth. And we will eat stuff that tastes enough like the stuff we used to eat that we’ll be like “well, it’s pretty cool that they even bothered to make bbq rib flavored yogurt, I guess I’ll sit in my page and not cause trouble.” And these different flavored yogurts that you are already familiar with and have embraced will be dropped in pouches through the shoot in the top of your “page” and make you feel that you are living a normal life, in a pen or rather a page.

We will still have friends in this new future. If you want to check up on someone, you will punch in their ‘page name’ and send them a ‘friend request’ if they accept, you will get to watch a feed from the camera in their page. You will grow close by posting messages to them like “OMG, you better dump your excrement bucket down the drain in the middle of your page or your sleep matt will smell like waist” and “Mmmmm, I’m slurping on a cake pouch, remember the sun? LOL.”

We will still poke, but it won’t mean the same thing. Poking will be very serious business, when you poke someone, your reproductive matter, sperms or eggs, will be ‘interfaced’ with that of the page holder you find attractive. Then in 9 months there will a new page on line for your baby and you can leave little toys on its news feed and send it little updates like “koo chee koo chee koo” and “Never being able to touch my baby with my human hands makes me feel hollow.”

A change to your relationship status will be legal and binding and require a lawyer to be undone.
Also If enough people un-friend you, you will die.

Life will be easy, we will be happy, and we will live on cake flavored yogurt, forever.

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