Deep Down Goodness: Surgeon Justifies Asinine Behavior

During a routine surgery on Tuesday, a doctor unexpectedly discovered local d-bag Steve Bellendton’s “deep down” goodness that some of his friends and family have insisted has been there all along. While removing Mr. Bellendton’s appendix, emergency room surgeon Grace Thayer, M.D., stumbled upon her patient’s well-hidden concern for humanity.

“When this guy came into the ER, he was such a prick,” Thayer said. “The last thing I expected to find inside him was a small piece of benevolence.”

Thayer’s discovery ends years of debate amongst those who know Bellendton. His wife Tracy, who has remained certain of her husband’s “deep down” goodness despite years of verbal and emotional abuse, feels “completely vindicated” in her decision to remain with him while ignoring the pleas of others who begged her to consider a divorce.

“Even though I couldn’t see it, I always knew that somewhere, deep down, he had some good in him,” Tracy Bellendton said. “Now that I have the proof I can live with my choice to put up with Steve and his tendency to call me a ‘fat cow’ or a ‘stupid slut.’”

Other acquaintances of Mr. Bellendton are still struggling with the news.

“I always thought this ‘deep down’ theory was just an excuse that people made for Steve because they needed a way to cope with how big of a jerk he is,” said Mr. Bellendton’s brother-in-law Edward Mills. “To learn that a medical professional actually found concrete evidence of it has left me in a state of shock.”

For Mr. Bellendton’s best friend Ray Nance, Dr. Thayer not only saved Steve’s life, but she also kept a friendship alive.

“I had always justified my loyalty to Steve by telling both myself and others that he had a ‘deep down’ goodness that wasn’t always easy to see,” Nance said. “But over the last few years, as he flirted with every woman in the bar while keeping his wedding ring hand buried in his pocket, I started to question if I had wasted all this time and effort on an a$$hole that didn’t really deserve it.”

Just as Nance was considering bringing the friendship to an end with a gradually increasing series of too-busy-to-hang-out blow-offs, Thayer swooped in to resurrect the dying connection.

“Thanks to that wonderful doctor, I can once again rest assured that ‘deep down’ Steve doesn’t really mean it when he cock-blocks me even though I’ve been single for years and he is married to a pretty awesome woman,” Nance added.

Aside from the reactions of Mr. Bellendton’s friends and family, some doctors have questioned whether Dr. Thayer could actually find a person’s unapparent goodness. A debate over that very issue is currently raging within the medical community.

“Call me a cynic here, but I believe that science is about observing the things we can see, not making assumptions based on blind faith,” said Dr. Rachel Burke. “I mean, I want to believe that ‘deep down’ my son is the next [NFL linebacker] Brain Urlacher or the next Marvin Gaye, but my observations have shown me that he tackles like a girly-girl and sings like a wounded crow being choked with a leather belt.”

Still, Dr. Thayer insists she really did observe Mr. Bellendton’s goodness, which was buried deep inside his corrupt and rotting body.

“It was a catch-22,” Dr. Thayer told reporters. “To prove I found it I would have had to remove it, and there was no way I was going to subject other people to the company of this wanker without the small shread of decency I found in him.”