Domestic Violence

By Sarah Dawson
Contributing Writer

Somewhere in America at this very moment a woman is being abused. She will be left with bruises, cuts, broken bones, and scars. Her abuser is not a stranger, but her husband or boyfriend; someone she put her trust in. Husbands and boyfriends send more women to the hospital each year than do strangers.

Domestic violence is the victimization of a person with whom the abuser has or has had an intimate, romantic or spousal relationship. Domestic abuse appears not only with violence, but it is also very prevalent as psychological abuse, when an abuser will use humiliation and degradation as a weapon. It also occurs as sexual abuse, including any sexual act in which one person has not agreed to it. Sexual abuse may occur when a woman is forced to perform, watch, or in any other way engage in sexual acts.

This includes but is not limited to vaginal, anal and oral sex, fondling, touching, or disrespect of privacy, such as showering. Each day, the statistics on domestic violence get more and more horrifying. A woman is beaten every 15 seconds. 22 to 35 percent of emergency room visits from women are because of ongoing partner abuse. Each year, an estimated 2 to 4 million women in the United States are abused by their male partners. Many of them are severely physically assaulted, and thousands are killed. Some women have adjusted to life with domestic violence, or are too ashamed to report it and/or threatened with violence if they leave. In this country, domestic violence is almost as common as giving birth. And most abusers will continue to abuse until they are arrested or the victim is dead.

In college I took a class where we discussed this issue and watched a disturbing video. Of the 12 students, there were 2 men. The only dry eyes in that class were of the 19-year-old male who later had the audacity to say that women are dumb if they stay in a situation like that and “how hard is it to leave?” Ok, we just finished watching women in prison for killing their husbands/boyfriends who brutally abused them. One was raped with a hot curling iron. Another was run over while holding her infant child…..Are you kidding me?

Not one of us wasted our breath, except the instructor who as professionally as she could tried to make him understand. I hope it worked. Why do we as a society put up with these impulsive and vicious acts of abuse? When speaking to a friend of mine I spent literally hours explaining why victim blaming is wrong, yet later she said she had “no sympathy” for victims because they’re “stupid” and “bring the abuse on themselves.”

Here are a few statements from victims I feel obligated to share:

“He told me I had to have sex with him to prove I still loved him.”

“I stopped being myself.”

“The treatment I received for not wanting to give him oral sex was the same if I forgot to buy a loaf of bread - he would get angry, hit me, call me names.”

“Being trapped literally, mentally by an abusive man.”

“Being abused makes you numb. There is no feeling.”

“Loss of independence being at home full time. I believed everything he said about me”

“He told me I was fit to burn”

“You’d never pick him out as an abuser, he was small built and never got into fights and everyone who met him thought he was a sweet guy.”

“Then because I didn’t leave, people said I must like it, that I must be making it up”

“When he beat on me it would be hours, shoving me against walls, twisting my fingers and banging my head against things … and I’d have to carry out degrading and painful sex acts. This was my life.”

“Got warnings from friends and family, who warned me that he had a bad temper.”

“Sweet one moment, and explosive the next”.

“Walked on eggshells constantly.”

“Afterwards he’d say sorry and tell me he wouldn’t have to if I just did what I was told,”

“None of his family believed what was happening. I even got beat up with his sister at a party and everyone stood and watched I never dared to fight back or I would be dead.”

We are silent about the families who are experiencing terror every day as they are held captive by fear produced by the abuse they are experiencing. The destructiveness of their relationships are slowly killing the spirit within them. Is it because of the unspoken rule of family business: what happens in the family stays in the family?

Or is it the lack of knowing how to respond to domestic violence and how to counsel? There is no excuse for this… There are many local resources that are prepared to provide education on domestic violence and the correct way to respond. So do it, educate yourself!

Lastly, if you are a victim, take advantage of the solutions that are available today. And understand you are not alone in this and are stronger than you realize. Shelters for battered women and their children are quite common. Women can feel safe in these shelters, mostly due to the secretive locations. Women don’t have to worry about being hunted down. Also, hotlines are available for women to call. Trained specialists are available on the hotlines to listen, give advice and also to direct women to the shelter nearest to them.

Understand that it is a long road but in the end there is light, you just have to let it in.

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