Earth Day

By Spencer Dobson
Contributing Writer

Much like the way each year at Christmas we plaster on a smile and act like we can stand each other long enough to get through a turkey dinner, each Earth day we dig out that reusable grocery bag and try to create the illusion that we have stopped thinking about how cool we look with our new Verizon Iphones long enough to let everyone know that we are personally saving mother Earth by living ‘green’… today. For some of us this means we listen to Green Day all day, others of us see Earth Day as a chance to break out our St. Patrick’s day get-up one more time and make a big deal about the fact that we are recycling our empties.

Much like how each Christmas we try to highlight our need to love each other all year long, as only being nice to each other one day out of the year doesn’t really do anything.  Earth Day is a day where we highlight our need to live a more sustainable life all year long as listening to Green Day, all day, has zero positive impact on the environment. So in an effort to nudge you a little in a greener direction here are some green, organic, earth friendly tips (by no means all the Earth Friendly tips you can find, just the ones I thought where funny) to help you have a great Earth day and maybe a greener life.

1.      Want a Low carbon footprint, organic, free, anti depressant for women? Try human Semen (Gallup, Burch, Platek, 2000). Studies have been done. Google it! Women who get in contact with semen more frequently rate lower on the Beck Depression Inventory. Why? I don’t care. Should you stop using condoms so that you can get close to the semen? No. Condom use was however, the determining factor in the study. Women who use other forms of birth control are exposed to a chemical in semen called prostaglandins that when absorbed through the walls of the vagina acts as a mood elevator.

What could possibly be more Earth friendly than a relatively safe, cheap, organic and easily accessible mood elevator that is produced by a source that will probably spring for dinner. And the stuff is everywhere.  Ladies, walk up to virtually any man on the street and say “I’m feeling kind of blue today, can you spare some semen.”  I promise you will have buckets of the stuff in no time.  (I feel like because we live in a world where there are people who are dumb, I should point out that you shouldn’t ACTUALLY walk up to virtually anyone on the street and ask them for semen. That was a joke. Relax. It’s a humor column.)

2.    Bi- Product your throwing away that’s good for Almost everything: Coffee Grounds. According to the web (which knows everything) you can use used coffee grounds to: Exfoliate your skin, add shine to your hair, fertilize plants, repel ants, deodorize your freezer, keep cats from pooping in your garden, remove furniture scratches, repel fleas from dogs and grow mushrooms.

But, after hearing that my pants are full of natures Prozac, everything else seems a little lacking. Although, coffee is right up there with air in my world, so the fact that jitteriness and increased need to pee are only two of the positive side effects is good news.  I can personally say that coffee is a very good ant repellant. I have no idea what a defoliant actually does and suggest you do some more homework on the topic before you use coffee as one, but according to the Web (which knows everything) it works.

3.    Cheap Cooling / Heating: Naked-ness.  Tip three is an attempt to tie the other two tips together. In this neck of the woods, it gets cold. Really cold. A great cheap way to stay warm is to get a cup of coffee (you can use the left over grounds in a whole universe of ways) and get under the covers with a naked person.  Please make sure the naked person is age appropriate and has consented to hanging out with you naked.

Too hot in the summer? Try being naked-er. Also fun with a tall glass of ice coffee and an equally naked friend. Please make sure the friend is age appropriate and has consented to hanging out with you naked. You’ll be saving energy by using less temperature control in your home and you may produce some natural anti-depressants.

Have a good Earth day. You can find more info about living a greener life at http://www.earthday.org, who did not endorsed this article.

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