Excuse Me

By Neil G. Schloesser
Contributing Writer

Excuse me, I find you attractive but before I can ask you out I’ve been told that in order to protect your potentially fragile (and let’s be honest) pathetic ego, I need to know if you are straight or gay. I would hate to ask you out and pay you the compliment of being attractive enough to compel someone to put theirself on the line before knowing if you’d even be receptive to the question or the compliment.

Let’s be honest here, not everyone wears their sexuality on their sleeve. I don’t, so it stands to reason that you might also not wear your sexuality where everyone can see. That’s why I’m asking you out, because you’re attractive, not because I think you are gay. To be honest I don’t know if you are gay or straight. That’s why I’m here in front of you, risking rejection.

I’ve been told that I should find out if you swing my way before approaching you, but that seems stupid. Surely you are a big enough man to recognize a compliment when you hear one. Surely you aren’t so insecure that the mere hint of homosexuality wafting in your direction won’t cause you to rape the first woman you see to reaffirm your manliness. That would just be stupid and if you were that stupid I doubt I’d be attracted to you. I could ask our co-workers what you prefer, but how many straight people do the same? None. I’ve been asked out by women and if they’d done their homework they’d never have bothered. That’s a double standard. I hate double standards. If your sense of identity is bruised by being asked out by a man, not my problem. Grow a pair. If you react violently to being asked out by a man, not my problem, grow a real pair.

I could find out if you are gay but then that raises questions about me. I don’t want everyone to know I’m interested in you. I can’t stop you from bragging you were asked out, I’d do the same, but I can’t go around asking people what you prefer in bed without people wondering why I want to know and while I’m okay with them knowing I’m gay, I don’t necessarily want my romantic interests spread around work. Call me old-fashioned but some of my business is still my business.

When I finally get around to asking you out I will not preface or conclude the question with an explanation. I will not say that I don’t think you are gay to protect your manly identity (If you are that fragile, something is wrong). I will smile. I will be genuine but I will not engage in any activity that a straight person in a similar situation wouldn’t do. I. Hate. Double. Standards. So, that being said, I find you attractive. Would you like to go out with me?

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