FDA Declares Oprah a Controlled Substance

In a move that has been expected for years, on Tuesday the FDA declared Oprah Winfrey a Schedule I narcotic, making her illegal to distribute or possess and finally ending her dangerous hold on so many of America’s women.

“Never again will a victim of the dreaded ‘housewife heroin’ fall into the clutches of this terrible addiction,” said FDA spokesperson Bennett Washington.

The agency argued that Oprah fit all of the requirements for the designation, including “The drug or other substance has a high potential for abuse” and “The drug or other substance has no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States.” Noting that both opium and Oprah begin with the letters “op,” Washington spoke of the similar ways in which the two narcotics bring about a euphoria that cannot be topped by everyday life.

In addition, officials cited a concern for the safety of both the public and the individual abuser.

“Last year an undercover FBI agent attended the taping of a Tom Cruise episode,” Washington said, “and we never saw her again.”

The agent can be seen in the audience during the episode, convulsing spastically with the other addicts. Her behavior exhibits all the known effects the drug has on its victims: mania, frenzy and eventually — madness.

Still thinking that crazy-eyed, empty-headed Tom Cruise is a sex symbol is just one of the awful side effects of the drug. And like many addictions, soon the drug’s grip on a person begins to control every aspect of her life, determining what she eats, reads, who she votes for and the positions she prefers in bed when striving for the ultimate orgasm.

One former victim spoke at last month’s Senate subcommittee hearings on the issue.

“Before I went to see the show live, I told everyone that I wasn’t going to get hooked and act like everyone else,” the unidentified woman said, “but when she gave me a free a car, I reached a high that I’ve never been able to replicate, no matter how many times I continued to feed the monkey.”

Much like a “speedball” — the deadly combination of heroin and cocaine that claimed the lives of Chris Farley, River Phoenix, Mitch Hedberg, John Belushi and thousands of others — the drug becomes even more dangerous when cocktailed with the already banned Dr. Phil. When the anonymous victim began to mix the two, she knew that it was time to kick before she hit rock bottom.

“I found myself so hooked on Oprah that I was actually listening to the advice of this man who looks like a giant pasty-white penis,” she said. “One day I looked at him — really looked at him — and realized just how low I had sunk.”

Not every woman is so lucky. Take, for example, June Webber of Bedford, MA., who died of a massive heart attack caused by an overdose of Oprah.

“One moment she was trying to get in touch with her feelings,” said Christine Webber, her daughter. “And the next she was dead on the couch, just another victim of this terrible menace.”