Global Warming More Like Global Whining

Hey folks, William Block here again and this week I want to get off this whole silly “help the lazy poor people” health care thing and want to get to something even more serious: “global warming.”

I know, I know, I can hear your groans even before this goes to print. But just imagine if we can nip this thing in the butt before the Barry Obama fails at health care reform!  I mean, how good did it honestly feel when he failed to get us the Olympics? How many foreigners (terrorists) would that have brought over here? Anyways, back to the topic at hand.

So what is it about global “junk science” warming that gets everybody all fired up? It’s really only three simple reasons: 1. It gives all the little rich whiney hippy kids something to do, because god forbid they get a real job. 2. Money makes the world go round. Scientists get funding from the government only when the public finds a cause sympathetic. They did it with AIDS and those fat ass whales back in the 90’s (GO JAPAN) and they’re doing it again now with global warming and cancer. If enough junk science is applied then smart entrepreneurs jump in to make money off all the dumb asses and start making “green” products. 3. It gives NPR something to talk about.

“Well, that makes sense. But how did it all start?” I’ll tell you how it all started, it started with a drunk Captain who couldn’t steer his damn tanker boat and spilled oil all over a bunch of sea otters. Then all the little rich hippies ran out to wipe off the oil-stained animals and cry in front of the camera. And that’s how the ball got rolling. If one tanker can destroy a beach, imagine what all the other terrible machines can do!

Well, here’s some (junk) science for you: Since these people are all about the theory of Darwin’s survival of the fittest . . . had the tree humpers not saved all the dumb animals that got soaked in the black gold, they would have died and not been able to pass along their genes, and all the smart otters that stayed away would have gone on to make babies that had these smart genes and those babies would have known not to go swimming in black gold and passed it on to their baby otters. But now we have generations of dumb otters reproducing all over the place.

Well, from there it was a perfect storm of the biased media showing images of (dumb) baby otters choking on oil, sea turtles caught in six pack nets, bird populations declining because they liked to nest next to coal plants, deformed frogs, and human parents with cancer-ridden babies because they were dumb enough to build close to a nuclear power plant. Nobody put a gun to their heads!

Well, the list goes on and on, and of course you know who is responsible for this! Us! The evil humans! Because no one likes to hate themselves more than a liberal. But with the onslaught of the media this movement is a tricky little beast to hunt down and kill. But I’ll do it right here folks, on this printed page in one simple paragraph.

The Exxon Valdes is considered the worst oil spill ever. Guess how many acres it covered? 11,000,000 square miles. Guess how many square miles are just in the Pacific alone? 155,557,000 sq km. That’s .007% of just one of the oceans. Do you have any idea how many tankers would have to crash and burn to cover just the Pacific? We don’t have enough oil to do it, that’s your answer. Oil ruining the Earth? Preposterous.

How many people are alive on the face of the Earth? Something like 6 billion. That’s a lot, wouldn’t you say? That many people could cover the entire Earth! We’re screwed! WRONG. Judging by NASA’s photography of the Earth at night, it looks like only 12%. Which I could be overestimating, I’m no expert. Anyway, if we only use up 12% of the available land (remember the ocean makes up 75% of the surface area), then how the heck can we be affecting the entire world’s ecosystem!? How are we melting the icecaps (did anybody notice how “warm” our summer was by the way)?  I know it’s ridiculous that nobody brings this up but it’s the truth! And these are the facts, people, and we all know how much the left likes to acknowledge those. Plus, if the ice caps melt we have new open fishing and trading routes, God forbid we help out the economy.

But what about all the animals that are going extinct? Hey, animals die all the time. Deal with it, people. And if there was some animal that could only live off a certain plant that lived on a certain beach well then that animal is dumb and weak. I mean look at the bald eagle, that was put on the endangered species list and I was shooting one of those at least once a month. But that is a tuff damn bird and look at where their population is now! So don’t listen to all these “scientists” with their “science.” It’s all garbage and they’re only out there to get tax money from the government. Remember my just say NO to government? Well science is a part of government, so say it with me, “Just say NO to science! NO to science!”

P.S.
Quick, before I go, I know you get sick of me having to state the obvious and this whole conversation is annoying but necessary—but I want you to know I do more in my life than confront the obvious. So, some of you knew that my grandma was really sick and sent me e-mails saying that you were praying for her and you were having your friends pray for her. Well thank you so much, you guys did it.  She’s still kicking after a tough fight with some disease. The doctors did something fancy (I don’t know, I didn’t understand it) and then charged me an extra five grand because her Medicare ran out. Luckily I work hard and had the cash to pay for it. Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for all the hard praying you did to keep her kickin’ at 93.

Also, way to go to all the farmers out there, with their hard work and these new fancy corn seeds I hear we’re kickin some Iowa butt! Who said we couldn’t get 200 bushels up in the great white North!? It’s from years and years of farmers passing down their knowledge that we get results like this. So good job guys! And don’t tell Iowa or the Chinese your secret! Ha!

So until next time folks, I’ll be watchin your back so you don’t have to.

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