Go Ahead and Melt, What Do I Care?

Hello dear listeners, it’s William “Keeping Them Honest” Block here with another installment of the truth for you this week. I don’t have much time as I got distracted by Barry “Warmonger” Ob(s)ama’s speech the other night. So I’ll get right to the the point: Even if the loony liberal left and their “science” is right about the Earth warming whether it be human or otherwise, I could give a rat’s pink tail if the ice caps melt. So here for you this week are the 25 reasons why I could care less if the ice and their caps go the way of the dodo.

1: New shipping lanes (what’s up now Pacific?).

2. A good reason to go to war with Russia (all the mineral underneath the ice will be available).

3. The cities on the coast will be underwater (not my city, not my problem).

4. The left will claim victory and maybe shut up for a minute or two.

5. New maps (I like maps).

6. My old maps will be worth more money.

7. An influx of polar bear coats and penguin hide shoes into the market (how can it be illegal if they’re all gonna die anyways?).

8. I won’t have to travel thousands of miles to club baby seals, they’ll be forced to come to my continent.

9. No more stupid documentaries with narration by stupid Morgan stupid Freeman.

10. New documentaries about how happy all the fish are that they have more water to swim in.

11. The Inuit will stop complaining because of all the new hunting ground.

12. You can stop lying to your kids and just tell them Santa is homeless and doesn’t have the money to make the toys (just like I don’t have any this Christmas because Berry “Warmonger” Ob(s)ama took all mine).

13. New “xtreme” sports will be introduced such as “downhill floating iceberg skiing/diving.”

14. New golf courses when floating giant icebergs are towed by tug boats to desert communities.

15. No more government funding for “scientist” wanting to “study” ice.

16. John Carpenter’s “The Thing” will be that much more bad ass because you can watch it with your kids and go, “I was alive when this could actually happen!”

17. Giant floating icebergs hanging out in the Atlantic. Giant floating icebergs hanging out in the Caspian. Giant floating icebergs chillin’ with the Mediterranean. GIANT FLOATING ICEBERGS.

18. Evil masterminds will be easier to find since their only remaining option for a secret lair will be volcanic islands.

19. More giant floating ice bergs = more Titanics = more Oscars.

20. Penguins will stop being lazy and learn to fly or DIE (and if they do die, not my problem, that’s just evolution right?).

21. The most boring “before” and “after” pictures ever. “Look! There once were boring sheets of ice that no one could live on and now there’s endless ocean that no one can live on!”

22. Polar bears will be forced to mate with dolphins creating “polarphins” which will rival the Great White Shark in ferocity.

23. A new ocean needs a new name. What’s Latin for “Used to be here?”

24. I’ll finally be able to check Penguin, Polar Bear, Seal, Narwhal, and many more off my endangered (the meat tastes so good/looks good hanging on my wall) animal list.

25.  The millions I’ll make off of my “One Dollar a Day” charity to help save the life of a surviving penguin (which I ate and used the hide to make gloves for my wife).

25 1/2. Ocean water won’t be so salty anymore.

Have a good one my friends! And remember to stay warm!

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