How to Make Sure Your Lutheran Pastor Isn’t Gay

So last week I read about local Lutheran churches stood up to the inept ELCA and their decision to allow gays to become ministers and got to thinking, “What if my church had gays in the pews or God forbid, a gay minister?”

So I called the only person I could trust, my mom. We talked and talked about the issue and came to the conclusion that the best thing to do was to provide you, the listener, with a list on how to make sure your Lutheran pastor isn’t gay.

1. He wears dresses and stoles but doesn’t get beat up.

2. “Contemporary worship” means to him “contemporary music,” not thought.

3. Never takes interest in the decoration of the church or the architecture, for that matter.

4. He finally has an answer to Martin E. Marty’s critical question, “Do I belong here?”

5. Can’t get enough of sermons filled with sport and hunting metaphors.

6. He’s so worthy.

7. He speaks in God’s name.

8. He takes Martin Luther’s anti-Semitic writings and substitutes “gay” for “Jew” and loves how easy it is.

9. He puts the “all but you” in alleluia.

10. He has a “walk-in” closet.

11. He doesn’t serve Pinot for Holy Communion.

12. He’s not stuck on the “g” words; grace, good news and gospel.

13. The lack of women in the pulpit shows where he stands. The gospel, it’s for the guys.

14. He likes those plates of white food.

15. He wants us all to be “really” exclusive.

16. He likes the gays “O.K.” it’s just their “gayness” he can’t stand.

17. He believes Lutheran pridefulness trumps gay pride any day.

18. He’s more into pie than piety.

19. He believes we live in a gated community and we control the gate.

20. He knows that all those Norwegians bachelor farmers were straight.

21. He was with the Lutherans at the Norsk Høstfest and honored Karl Rove,
while regular Norwegians were in Oslo giving Obama the Nobel “prize.”
That’s so gay; we’re the real Norwegians.

22. He’s a steward of human relations as long as they’re not having relations.

23. He eats and actually likes Lutefisk.

24. He has a real calling to inquire into the intimate lives of others.

25. He knows the gays aren’t real Lutherans, we’re not allowed to enjoy sex.

And this is all most certainly true.

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