Human Racist Uncovers Sinister Human Plot for World Domination

Following years of grueling research on the computer in his mother’s basement, Daniel J. Bernstock has unearthed what he calls the “granddaddy of all conspiracy theories.” On Monday, he announced the much anticipated results of his work in a blog on his Myspace page.

“For years I was like everyone else, naively believing that the Illuminati or aliens were behind all of the world’s problems,” Bernstock wrote. “But the deeper I went, the more I began to notice that one race could be linked to everything evil: The humans.”

In addition to his 25,000 word essay, Bernstock also drew a structural diagram detailing the hierarchy of the human plot.

“At the bottom we have street level crime. Think about it: drug dealers, pimps, pornographers, thieves. What do they all have in common? In the past someone might have said that they are all black, but we know that isn’t true now with the all Mexicans jumping across. It’s the human race that we’ve got to watch out for for these days.”

Bernstock claims that street level crime is merely the most visible level of the pyramid.

“The media tells us that these criminals are isolated, but in reality they are controlled by an entire criminal network which is 100% percent human in nature.”

Other internet conspiracy theorists, however, have attacked Bernstock’s theory as shortsighted.

“On the surface his research looks impressive, especially the stuff he did while collecting workman’s comp from ‘99 to ‘03,” said Eric Miller, proprietor of truthhunters.org. “But when you reach the core of his argument you find a black hole that ignores the true source of our miseries.”

When asked to elaborate, Miller summed up his own views by naming his scapegoat that has brought crime, war, poverty, and Ryan Seacrest into our everyday lives: “Everyone knows the Jews are behind it all.”

Bernstock strongly disagrees. “My destiny is to show the world that the Jews and the Muslims are merely two arms of the greater human monster.”

In an open challenge to the fan(s) of his blog, Bernstock promised a $100 reward to anyone offering proof of a crime or atrocity that wasn’t perpetrated by the humans.

“My money is safe and sound. They can’t do it,” he said. “From Cain to Caligula to Clay Aiken: all evil, all human.”