I Am Woman, But She’s a Wh…

At a press conference on Tuesday, founder of the National Organization of Women Version 2.0 (NOW v2.0) Helen Lee announced that over half of Hillary Clinton’s 20,000 cracks in the glass ceiling have already been repaired and filled in—by other women.

“The mistake of feminism up until now has been to blame everything on the shadowy cabal known as the patriarchy,” Lee said. “But while it appears that men are making progress on how they treat women, I’m also seeing some disturbing trends in how women oppress other women.”

Lee’s NOW v2.0, an unaffiliated splinter group of the original NOW, was created with the idea that while many good groups like NOW were already fighting for equality between the sexes, no one was fighting for equal treatment within the sex. Her departure, while not seen as a threat by moderate feminists, has not gone over well with some hardliners.

“She used to show up at our local meet and greets with her boobs practically hanging out of her shirt,” said Teresa Stamp, a self-proclamed “Femabomber” who has been ejected from every group she’s joined because of her plot to blow up every baby boy in the world. “That slut is nothing more than a puppet for the patriarchy, that menace who wants to divide us, conquer us and send us back to the kitchen.”

Lee has responded to Stamp’s frequent comments about her choice of clothes by pointing out how this type of female against female oppression is the exact reason she started her group. Yet when a reporter asked for Stamp’s response to Lee’s rebuttal, Stamp only said that “I’ve heard she gets around, if you know what I mean.”

Also controversial is that Lee’s second in command at NOW v2.0 is James Luppen, who—unlike most women’s right advocates—was born with testicles. While Lee points out that many white people fought in the civil rights movement, Stamp insists that Luppen is a double agent for the opposition. Luppen meanwhile, claims to have joined NOW v2.0 because he felt that in some cases men were showing more respect for women than women were for women.

“Among my guy friends, if some jerk were to call a woman a derogatory name based on the way she was dressed, we would judge the guy saying it rather than the woman he was talking about,” Luppen said. “But at the same time, I frequently see women make these appearance-based judgments and comments about other women and no one calls it sexism.”

Lee feels that having a man in the upper levels of her group helps show men that feminism doesn’t have to be seen as an attack on men.

“In fact, our group is more focused on fighting against female chauvinists who say things about other women that they would be shocked to hear a man say about them,” she added.

Stamp, however, thinks that Luppen’s rise in NOW 2.0’s ranks can explained by a very different set of motivations.

“I saw those two leave a bar together once and even though she claimed she was giving him a ride back to his car, I know better,” Stamp said. “I know any woman dressed like that is obviously incapable of controlling herself in the presence of the great male Satan.”