In Thanksgiving

By Haven Kennedy
Contributing Writer

4:18 in the morning, a black cat is on the windowsill and my husband is asleep in our bed. I’m sitting in the guest room on the computer after a long and eventful day. The day began with couple’s therapy that opened up the door to issues that are deep; it went on to find my sister getting married and having the wedding of her dreams; my husband had a terrible day at work and I had to face issues of inferiority. At that point I was crying, reminding myself that I had chosen this life. The one constant throughout this day, no matter how painful everything was, was that I am grateful.

Things will never go the way I want them. My wedding was a disaster. My florist was a gum-chewing, tanned, sixty year old divorcee with no taste. I had always wanted flowers of the 1940s, with flowing vines. Instead I received tackiness. There were no bridesmaid dresses and I could barely breath in my dress. No one helped and I was sick through my reception.

The one thing that sticks with me, though, was how beautiful the ceremony was. Before the ceremony was terrible. After the ceremony was terrible. The ceremony, though, was beautiful. Our parents walked us both in and delivered us to the altar. My father gave me to my groom and hugged us, tears in his eyes. My maid of honor song a hymn that reminded me of my childhood beautifully. The music was perfect, my father gave a speech that made us all cry and I realized on the altar that I loved this man.

My marriage is full of ups and downs. I’m a type A person married to a type B. We go back and forth all the time, bickering, arguing. I want to fix everything, he wants to think about it. I feel that he doesn’t put me first, he feels that I demand too much. There is anger and resentment at times, there is pain. Never, never have I woken up regretting that I married him. Never have I wanted to walk out and never come back, never have I thought I made a mistake. We may fight, we may argue and I may think of leaving in the heat of the moment. Once that moment has passed I remember - I am grateful. I am blessed.

These are just examples of so many blessings I have in my life. I feel that I am not important in my family, that I don’t see my nieces enough, that they don’t know me. Then I get a letter from my nephew that says he loves me “so, so, so much.” I see my niece and she wraps her arms around me. I take her shopping, I talk to her about books, I look in her face and realize I am loved. I am the “cool aunt.” This is something I never thought was possible and I feel my heart overflow with gratitude.

It is these moments that teach me that gratitude is often a choice. I could easily say that I have earned the devotion of my family, or that I worked to make sure the ceremony was perfect or that I found the perfect man, aren’t I lucky? None of these are true. Many people work to make their family love them and fail. Why?

Because it’s never enough. They need more. I worked on the ceremony but there is no way I could have created the love that was in my father’s speech, the tears in my husband’s eyes, the love in that sanctuary. The gratitude I feel becomes a wave, it passes on to others and it creates love. It creates a bond between people.

Gratitude is one of the greatest gifts there are. It is the ability to look at my world and realize that I am blessed. I am loved, I am wanted. My life is far from easy and there is pain deep inside me. Pain that I feel nearly all the time, pain that sometimes sends me into paroxysms of tears and panic. Yet when those subside I realize again that I am so lucky to have all of these gifts. I survived these horrible things standing. I have people who love me, amazing, wonderful people in my life. I have become a role model, a wife, a good aunt, a thankful daughter. This is what I want from my life. To look at my life and be able to say “Thank you. Thank you for your love, for your gifts. Thank you for what I have been given, thank you for the opportunity to give back.”

Gratitude is the most important thing that I have learned and it is what gets me through the day. Whenever I begin to fall, whenever I begin to flounder I step back and I look. I look at what I have been given, what I am able to give. And I am thankful.

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