Keurig Groupie

By Michael Black
Contributing Writer

While not a “caffeine addict” in the true sense of the word, I do enjoy a good cup o’ joe when the opportunity presents itself. Particularly when retailing. You need that extra “oomph” to push you into the Purchasing Zone at times. The kind folks at Keurig offered me that opportunity while stalking the aisles at the Moorhead Herberger’s. An attractive blonde woman was busily setting up her lab in the Home Wares. Curious, I inquire and am told “five minutes,” by Valerie. Six minutes later I am enjoying a piping hot brew of Nantucket blend. Ahhh…

Some days later while making my seemingly daily visit to the store, I am happy to see her at her post again. Now, being “friends,” I linger to help her market. Valerie is a gregarious mother of three who does the demos “for fun.” A realtor by profession, she has just come from her office and seems distressed. Once more I get the obligatory “Five minutes“ from her and decide to wait nearby. She is fidgeting with the machine, pushing buttons, standing back, trying it again, perplexed but smiling, as ever. “What’s the problem,” I ask? “I left my coffee maker in the garage this week and it was in my car until I got here (temps were hovering around zero) and I believe I froze something!” Owie. Being a male, I jump into action, not knowing anything about the thing, presuming I have some special man power that will save the fair maiden from her predicament. It’s what we do. “They say you should not leave it out in cold temps,” Valerie explains. After a series of problem solving questions I determine whatever water was left in the water reservoir has frozen solid as a rock. We begin fondling the machine, hands here and there, trying to heat it up. I suggest she talk dirty to it. She smiles. Now the free caffeine addicts (worse than your run of the mill addicts) are noticing us. “Five minutes…” Valerie intones once more with a lilt in her voice. In Holiday Shopping Time, five minutes is equal to five hours (sort of like “dog years”) so they inevitably move on to retailing. Those five turn into ten, fifteen, twenty… Finally the thing starts burping out the hot nectar and all is right with the world. Promising free doughnuts that she has under the table (she doesn’t) perks her customers ears up, only to be dashed by the realization that I am a lying shill. No doughnuts for you! Glad to be drinking free, quality coffee once more, I suggest to Valerie that they should set up a Facebook page outlining their Tour Dates. That way the faithful (read: cheap) could follow them around like Grateful Dead groupies (read: me). She laughs and continues dispensing the hot stuff.

Another day, another of my shopping dollars heading into Herberger’s coffes. I spot a blonde head bobbing up and down in the Coffee Zone. Sweet! I am somewhat disappointed that it is not Valerie though. Another demonstrator is in action, pumping out the joe. I belly up to the table and secure my own fix. She tells me that she has brewed up over seven gallons (!) of the stuff in under four hours. She has already done the math and says she expects that her Total Coffee Output for her shift will total over 150 eight ounce cups. I am stupefied. I picture the five gallon jugs we use to fuel up the jet skis and am astounded anew. I mention that at least she has not had to thaw her machine, not mentioning any names.

West Acres now. Low and behold, yet another Woman of Keurig is holding station. A younger woman this time, Tanya lets slip that this is only her second time demo-ing. We chat amiably and I mention my Facebook Tour Date idea. She thinks it would be great, though an odd look in her eye makes my thinking take another tack. My sick mind then goes to “creepers“ (read: me) silently stalking free coffee on the internet, sitting in a darkened room in their underwear (or worse; red teddies?). A stock person rolls her cart heavily into the coffee table. It teeters dangerously but it holds. Phew! (Secretly I wished it had blown the display up, overturning the table, things crashing and splashing to the floor, etc. Men; it’s what we do. It doesn’t.) I go a-retailing and return for a second dose. She looks antsy. Uh oh, she is running out of lids! Luckily her three hour shift is about to end and I offer her my used lid. She stares up blankly at me and declines. I circle back a third time and find the spot empty. It makes me sad…
Valerie had mentioned she was “performing” again this week at Macy’s West Acres. I mark it on my calendar. She had given me her e-mail address so I could send her information on a book called “Spooky, Scary North Dakota” about haunted houses. Being a realtor, she thought it might come in handy. I mention the Facebook idea again and she responds to my e-mail with an “LOL.“ My schedule now includes a stop at Macy’s Friday for some nice, hot coffee. Free Bird, indeed… Lighters Up!

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