Photo by Tanakawho

Messages from a giant Mall.

By Spencer Dobson
Contributing Writer

Any place where you can buy a Samurai Sword and a bacon hanger (a hanger that you put bacon on so the grease will run off) isn’t all bad.

The surprisingly large number of women wearing religious head scarves walking out of Fredrick’s of Hollywood with bags in their hands gave me hope for humanity. We may not all agree on the same god or lack thereof, but apparently we all can agree that if you wrap up your hum-a-nah, hum-a-nah, hum-a-nuh in a lacy little Skootly- skootly-skootly-vooo we’ll all be like “Diggety Diggety Diggety DAMN!”

Free samples of mango chicken makes people go to your food court stand and ultimately buy stuff. Reader, how does that apply to your life?

I’d like to believe there is room in the biggest mall in the United States for two stores to sell giant bean bag chairs, but honestly, I think it’s going to get ugly. I hope I’m not caught in the middle of The Nickelodeon playland when it all goes down and the Lego River runs red with bean bag chair filling.

Please try to remember that the Giant Shrimp Guy that stands in front of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, is actually a human who is just doing their job. I know, I know, It’s hard to walk by him with out…doing something, but do the right thing and just keep walking.

Never make eye contact with the kiosk people. They will steal your soul. And sell you an impulse nipple piercing that you later spend hours driving yourself crazy with the question “Am I really one of those nipple ring people?”

If you have to poop in a Mall, you could do worse than the Mall of America.

The Popcorn Stand “Doctor Popcorn”, which uses the initials “DP” on its sign, may have wanted to google the letters “DP” before they used them as their logo. Granted it’s entirely possible they did and that’s why they sell the 2 guys, 1 girl popcorn sampler tin.

We live in a world where you can have one of those hotdog heating things (it consists of a bunch of heated tubes that the hotdogs roll on, like they have at gas stations) for your home. Welcome to the future.

I want to apologize in advance to the male clothing store employee who’s sexual orientation is none of my business and who’s right to marry whom every they chose I will vote for. The thing is, men, especially at work, wearing short shorts is almost always going to make me stifle the urge point and laugh. I’m not saying I’m a good person, and I’m not saying you should change the way you chose to dress. I’m saying the down side of letting your freak flag fly is, sometimes, your freak flag is Hi-larious.

There are a few stores I would like to see that I didn’t :

The Fantastical Whoopee Cushion Extravaganza!: A store that just sells whoopee cushions.

DEVITO!: A store that’s all things Danny Devito. From busts of Louie from Taxi to the “Get Shorty” action figure play set to the “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” children’s mobile if it’s Devito, it’s at DEVITO!

Urg, dead pets: There are no shortage of stores dedicated to pets, but what about when your pets expire? That’s where Urg, dead pets comes in. From story books about the ‘farm’ you sent the dog to, to customized shoe boxes for burials. They even have bereavement cards with messages like “Urg, sorry about your dead Toucan”  and “Urg, sorry your Long Haired Himalayan Guinea pig ate all that plastic and ultimately died from it” If you have a dead pet, Urg, dead pets is your one stop shop.

You know what else you can use that for? : The Mall of America is a little to family oriented for an out and out sex shop. But let’s face it, you’re on vacation and you may not have time to run down town to pick the items that will meet your needs. That’s where You know what else you can use that for? comes in. They sell things like bananas made of latex with built in, uh,  ambient noise makers that recreate the sound of an electrical power station. It looks good as a table top ornament or as a nice seat cushion for those long, boring drives. They also sell a heating element that you can put in a watermelon or a cantaloupe that warms it to precisely 98.6 degrees and comes with a convenient hole borer. Enjoy.

Over and out from the Mall of America. Safe Travels
-Spencer Dobson

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