New Wedding Vows for the “Nearly Beloved”

In the opinion of professional wedding vow writer Brendan Helms, modern couples needed unique testaments of love to replace the worn out classics of the previous generations, so he went out and created dozens of new twists on the old standards.

“For some couples, the traditional vows may still apply,” he said, “but when I look around, I often see a different concept of marriage that requires a different kind of pledge.”

For two years, Helms labored to write the new collection, which is available for sale on his website (Wow-Vows.com). On the site’s homepage, he offers the following example of his work:

”I, Brendan Helms, take you, Tina Hoff, to be my wife, to have (someone to help fulfill my sexual needs), and to hold (someone instead of my pillow), from this day forward (or until something else comes along), for better or for best, for richer, for richest, in (easily cured) sickness and in health, to love and to cherish (the things you can do for me); from this day forward until (the) death (of our initial brain-chemical attraction) do us part.”

In the “comments” section on Wow-Vows.com, one satisfied customer raves about Helms’ approach, saying that “occasional honesty is pretty important in a marriage, so why not start off with a big dose?”

“My third wife and I used Helms’ vows, and we’ve been going strong for 14 months,” the customer continued. “It helps that we don’t have the pressure of living up to promises that we both know we can’t keep.”

However, the new vows are not without controversy. Helms often must deflect criticism from those who say he is promoting selfish pseudo-love.

“That’s the not case at all,” he said. “Take, for example, the change from ‘for richer, for poorer,’ to ‘for richer, for richest.’ This is a romantic way to let each other know that there is no reason to break their backs going for billions when a few million will do.”

Judging by the customer feedback, the most popular addition is the “easily cured” caveat to the “in sickness and in health” clause. Many see this distinction as a nice way to avoid any future confusion about the degree of sacrifice a marriage entails.

“Sure, if my wife gets a 24-hour flu, I’ll get her some soup,” said Wow-Vow.com supporter James Rolsted. “But if she’s in a wheelchair with a piss bag, I’m out like I stole somethin’ biatch.”

Despite his use of dated African American slang, Rolsted is, for the record, very white… pastey even.

Couples like the recently engaged Erik Stegge and Melissa Wilkes say they agree with the sentiment of the new vows but will stick to the old versions to “preserve the illusion.”

“Melissa knows that I am marrying her because I got fed up with busting my ass on the dating scene just to get laid four times a year while knowing that I can do nothing special as a husband and get almost twice that much action,” Stegge said.

Wilkes told reporters she has no problem with her fiancé’s admission because she said yes to his proposal mostly to put years of wedding planning into action.

“When you start subscribing to three wedding magazines in junior high, you have a long time to plan a pretty spendy party,” she said. “And there is no way my dad is picking up the tab if we tell the truth at the altar.”