Republican Primary Tavern Ammo For Progressives

#2 OF 8 – DONALD TRUMP

By Lance Hendrickson
Contributing Writer

I’d planned to reserve #2 in this series for Sarah Palin. When I think of her, I’m reminded of #2, and it just seemed appropriate, given her frequent proximity to a noisy plumber from an uglier part of Ohio. But let’s save ex-Governor Quit for another time. Speaking of serial failures on someone else’s dime, let’s consider The Donald for a moment.

[I know. I know. He quit. But he deserves a bust in the mush anyway, and the logic still applies, so go ahead and substitute the never-elected self-made wing-nut Hermain Cain, if one Tea Partier or another makes a difference to you.]

Now, I don’t get too upset about every American who wakes up on third base and thinks he’s hit a triple. Jakob Dylan, f’rinstance, made one expensive, nearly-average album. So’d Julian Lennon (though I’m not sure he’s an American – let’s have Trump check his papers). There are lots of these, scampering about, and for the most part they’re harmless (inasmuch as I can change the channel). To them, I say congratulations, brothers & sisters – you don’t need jobs, work ethics, or even talent. You’re rich. Mazel tov, and rock n’ roll. You are now free to move about the custom cabins of your G-5s, and if your name is “Paris,” you are now free to make even more labor-free coin by flashing your pay-waxed, er, Ohio for no particular reason. Good on ye. Click.

On the other hand, gimme-gazillionaires like Malcom “Steve” Forbes and Donald “Bankrupt Casinos” Trump, who’ve never been elected so much as dog catcher, and who presume that bossing around the waitstaffs at their estates qualifies them to be in charge of, oh, say, the entire free world – these people really irk me. (That’d be a good Steve Forbes word, wouldn’t it?  “Irk?”)

I mean, how do they wake up one day and decide to scam their way into the Oval Office? Is it the money itself? Does that wacky eyeball on the back of the dollar hypnotize them into believing they can actually do important stuff? Did, say, Bernie Madoff plan on running something smaller, like the Department of Treasury? For that matter, did Michael Milken envision himself in charge of the SEC? (Your pick: the collegiate conference or the government agency, whatever the hell either one of them actually does these days.)

Sure, these jacklegs usually wear nice suits (some horizontally-striped, some not). And, sure, they usually have sweet NBA tickets, and they pound cocktails (and likely don’t tip the bartenders for concocting their fancy hooch) with allll all the right people. But, on whose planet might their propensity to toss away other people’s simoleans like Mardi Gras beads make them the best available stewards of the public trust? Even in a simpler time – say, the 70s – how could a black Amex (if they’d had those then) possibly have qualified one to manage the opening to China, for example?

(O.k., o.k., bad example – at least, for the few of us left who don’t work for Wal Mart. Tricky Dick probably should’ve just left China closed, methinks.)

Let’s face it. Neophyte cashidates for President aren’t just deluded. They have plenty of dough for therapy, and they don’t go get any, so they must have a plan. The unlimited money (read: power) they were bequeathed to grease their own lives somehow isn’t enough for them. Noooo. They’ve just gotta pull all the federal strings, too, and they’ll do anything to bring that about. Scary, man. Scary.

And they’re not just scary – they’re dangerous. Depending on their stock holdings in Chevron or the Carlyle Group, if we actually were to elect another one of these unvetted hogfatters President, he might not start an unprovoked undeclared illegal war for no reason, but who knows? That last one did, remember?

(Yeah, yeah, Dubya got himself anointed Emir of Texas first. That adds nothing useful to this conversation, and you know it.)

Fact is, The Donald’s neighbors on Long Island or in Florida or wherever Ivana left him to rot have never stood in a voting booth and decided whether to try to get Diebold’s rigged machines to register his name properly. Would the people who presumably know him best (besides the legions he’s fired & stiffed) trust him to take care of them? Case in point: would Margaret Drysdale have voted for Jethro?

Ike notwithstanding (after all, soldiers vote – ibid.), I figure that’s the first thing we ought to know before we hand over the keys to Air Force One. Because never-elected, incredibly-egotistical, largely-unsuccessful, birth-fortuned kabillionaires out to polish their monikers haven’t done the U.S. much good by aiming at the top lately, have they?

Plainly, Don-Don oughtta run for Constable instead. He must understand service of process, right?

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