Size Does Matter for GM, Exxon

On Tuesday morning GM and Exxon Mobile filed a joint lawsuit in a Federal court against the makers of the male enhancement pill ExtenZe, claiming that the pill’s ability to increase the size of “that special part of the male anatomy” has destroyed the American male’s need for massive, gas-guzzling SUVs, trucks and muscle cars.

“If this company isn’t stopped, pretty soon every man in the country will be secure enough in his manhood to drive a Prius or worse… possibly even a Vespa,” said Brenda Wicksham, the lead attorney for GM and Exxon.

According to the plaintiffs, there is overwhelming evidence to support their claim.

“Just look at the sales declines in Hummers, or trucks with 10-cylinder engines, and compare that to the increase in ExtenZe infomercials on TV at night,” said General Motors V.P. of Sales Martin Burnski. “As the nation’s penises get bigger, the demand for steroid-injected super vehicles has shrunk worse than a wang in a freezing cold swimming pool.”

Even if they can prove the connection between increased pony-girth and dwindling horsepower, convincing a jury that the people behind ExtenZe intentionally developed their product to do harm to automakers and oil companies will be a difficult undertaking.

“There have been rumors that ExtenZe is a front for either environmentalists or Japanese auto companies, perhaps both,” said legal expert Jonathan Dorn. “If GM and Exxon’s lawyers can prove these rumors true, they may have a solid case.”

While the makers of ExtenZe have yet to officially respond to the accusations, an unidentified source with access to the board of directors said that the company’s leadership is still getting over the shock that their product may actually work.

“They too thought they were preying upon masculine insecurity to make an easy buck,” the source said. “But they can’t use that as a defense without admitting fraud, so now they have to figure out how to justify the success of a product they thought was a total scam.”

Renowned sociologist Lawrence Byrnes believes that ExtenZe has inadvertently rendered useless a cornerstone of the American auto industry’s business model.

“These companies have invested billions to create and sell the myth that an individual’s transportation is an extension of who they are as a person. Wanna let people know you’re fun and hip? Try a Volkswagen or a Mini. That you’re taking applications for a trophy wife? A Bentley ought to do it. That you’re dangerous and possibly a secret ninja? A Ducati… and so on,” Byrnes said.

He then added, “Those fantasies still exist, but now that there’s a pill to turn every man into Dirk Diggler, the lucrative overcompensating-for-your-small-piston-by-getting-a-big-engine market is going limp faster than a guy who stumbles upon nude photos of grandma while surfing for porn on the Internet.”