Summer Movie Wish List

By Spencer Dobson
Staff Writer

Here are some Summer movies I want to see:

::The Hang Over 3: This time the film follows the boys for years. This time they’re not struggling with a night they can’t remember, this time they are tortured by a night they will never forget. This time Ed Helms spends the bulk of the film on the couches of various therapists regurgitating story after story of drug addled debauchery and unprovoked violence. “I still the hear their screams and it hurts me to my bones … I will never forget the look on Alan’s face as he plugged round after round into their already dead bodies howling ‘Why would you feel it was appropriate to eye ball a one man wolf pack? In what world would that be appropriate? Tell me!’” Say’s a clearly haunted Helms.

::Maybe Not as fast, but Furiously Fuel Efficient 6: Dominic and his crew find themselves on the wrong side of the law once again as they try to switch lanes between a ruthless drug lord and a relentless federal agent. The trouble is, Dominic has come to the realization that the Earth only has a limited amount of resources and it is EVERYONE’S responsibility to conserve them. This time they’re kicking ass and taking names with a low carbon footprint. “This just went from Mission: Impossible to Mission: En-freaking-viromentally friendly. Make sure everybody brings their own canvas bags for the coke, we don’t need to waste all that plastic!” Chides Roman Pearce on the of the film’s most memorable scenes.

::Breakfast Robots!: What if your egg’s weren’t really eggs, but robots? What if that bowl of cereal is actually a robot named Sugar-Coated Cocoa Bot? Can you imagine a world where you don’t have a side of bacon, you have a side of bacon bot? This summer, take a trip with Timmy, his little sister Blossom, their dog H. Ross Perot and plate of warm, delicious breakfast ... Robots! Breakfast Robots: Part of a balanced breakfast.

::This person I went to High school with and smoked pot with like 1 time, but have not kept in touch with, is getting married and expects me to go and buy her a present, and I’m only doing it because I just went through a bad break up and might get to nail someone I had a crush on 15 years ago: The title covers it. In then end, Jennifer Anniston commits suicide. JUUUST kidding, she gets with what’s his name.

::Fart Poopington’s Craptacular Dooky Extravaganza: Based on the popular children’s novels “Fart Poopington’s Adventures in Dysenteria.” The Craptacular Dooky Extravaganza follows the adventures of a tween who sees the world through its magical mystical public restrooms. With his buddies Roley Poley Toily papery and Stinky the Paper Back you can never take back to the library because it has your pooh fingers all over it, Fart Poopington finds his real parents and keeps the smeeches from killing the President of the United States of Craperica. This summer, get ready to yell “I’ll be out in a minute!”

::Captain Caveman Begins: A dark and moody retelling of the popular 70’s children’s cartoon Captain Caveman. The story starts with young Preston Caveman witnessing a Cro-Magnons kill his family by thunking them over the noggin with a club so that he can have some berries and a dead rodent which he considers a feast. Preston casts off his status as the offspring of an alpha to join the Caveman Ninja’s so that he can understand the true nature of clonking people on the noggin with a club so you can take their stuff. With the Ninga’s he learns how to hide stuff in his body hair and how to make his club into a rocket. He is promoted to the Rank of Caveman Ninja Captain. Then he gets trapped in a glacier. All the Cavemen die and The Captain wakes up in the 70s, where he continues to fight crime and gets hooked on cocaine, which he then kicks. The film ends with the Captain meeting the Teen Angles at a runaway Hostel.

See you at the Movies.

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