The Corporation by the Corporation…Finally!

Hello, dear Readers! Today is a good day to be alive, my friends. Yes, God is in his Heaven and all’s right with the world. I know many of you are quite concerned about my absence from this newspaper for the last two months, and no, it was not because they had finally permanently silenced me. I simple refuse to give into the rat race that has become the norm in this society and always take the last and first months of the year off.

After decades and decades of persecution the Supreme Court has finally lifted the burden from corporations and set them free. Yes, in the past only your average citizen could donate as much money as he or she wanted to whichever candidate they chose while corporations had strict limits and controls placed upon them like chains. This of course left corporations at a distinct and unfair disadvantage.  I know. I know. The loony liberal left trained you with their control of the media to think corporations are bad and evil…so I thought I’d help you out, as usual, with my column and point out a few atrocities that “we the people” (whiney liberals with nothing better to do than complain) have committed against hard working corporations. It is corporations, might I add, that make our country great.

After decades and decades of persecution from the media “elite” and liberal left, Corporations have finally caught a break by way of The Supreme Court. Yes, Corporations can finally stand up and be counted among their fellow citizens. You see, in the past only your average citizen could donate as much money as he or she wanted to whichever candidate they chose while corporations had strict limits and controls placed upon them like chains. This of course put corporations at a distinct and unfair disadvantage. I know. I know. The loony liberal left trained you with their control of the media to think corporations are bad and evil…so I thought I’d help you out, as usual, with my column and point out a few atrocities that “we the people” (whiney liberals with nothing better to do than complain) have committed against hard working corporations. It is corporations, might I add, that make our country great.

The People vs. Coca Cola, 1985

In 1985 Coke was looking for a change. After 40 years of trying desperately hard to maintain loyalty by providing that same great taste year after year after year, the board of directors thought it was time they got to do something for themselves. So they broke out of their shell with a bold new flavor and a bright outlook for the future. Change had come. With a new flavor and look for the 21st century Coke thought it could take on the world.

But it was to be a very short future. Not a week passed before “The People” dragged Coke into court for nothing more than the simple human characteristic of striving to better itself. Meanwhile, in the streets “The People” elected not to have a civil discourse, but took to smashing cans and bottles of the new product in the streets, holding rallies and boycotting stores, refusing even to try the new product.

Coke’s new vision was crushed before it was created and “The People” had spoken: “No change is good change.” The 80s were notorious for corrupt politicians and many believe that Coke had just failed to do its research, as 5 out of the 8 Justices had wonderful summer homes built by Pepsi, like, we’re talking really nice houses.
 
The Gettysburg Address 1863

A little-known fact, and one often not brought up by historians due to its embarrassing nature, is that John Wilkes Booth was, in fact, at The Gettysburg Address. Why is this alleged fact important you say? Well, it is rumored that the crowd was large and the stage low. Philip Zest of Zest & Co. noticed this and thought the President may have a problem being heard over the din of the crowd. He quickly ran down to his store of soap-making fame and grabbed a Zest soap box for the President to stand on.

Upon receiving the offer of the soap box Lincoln supposedly replied, “You think I’ll let the healing of our nation be sponsored by soap? I’d rather let my hat do the talking.” Famously, most newspapers reported hearing nothing but a quiet grumble coming from the President that eventful evening and didn’t even bother reprinting the speech the next day. Now, perhaps the President’s fortune would have changed that fateful night at the theater had he treated the Zest corporation as an equal, allowing Mr. Booth to hear the impassioned speech . . . or perhaps not, we’ll never know.

The People vs. Philip Morris, 1980-Now

In 1854 a young and talented lad by the name of Philip Morris made his first cigarette, not realizing that he had just cemented America as the number one of “cool.” When thinking of this great nation most other countries probably come to that conclusion anyways. But the question is, how did we become cool? The answer: the cigarette. What looks more badass than a cowboy lighting up a cigarette after a shootout? What looks better than James Cagney lighting up a cigarette after mowing down some gangsters or cops? What looks more cool than Humphrey Bogart smoking a cigarette in a smoke-filled night club. What looks cooler than smoking a cigarette? Nothing, that’s what.

Well, in the eighties some folks decided that they didn’t want to take responsibility for themselves or pay for their own medical expenses after finding out a lifetime of smoking was unhealthy. Well, Duh! You’re inhaling smoke! So these smokers decided to take Philip Morris to court. Why didn’t the corporations fight back, you ask? Well, how could they, they aren’t real citizens and couldn’t use their hard-earned profits to buy political ads that would help elect politicians who would in turn speak up for them. Nope, they were not allowed that human right. So over the years, the crybabies of “The People” slowly put enough politicians into office, so that they could get their way and get their pay day.

After years and years of hard work, and building a solid company, “The People” effectively used their political might to push out a once proud American company, even forcing it to change it’s name to Altria.

And who wants to smoke a cigarette called Altria? Not me, and that’s a damn shame.

The People vs Corporations

Starting in the early 80s “The People” weren’t satisfied with controlling the House and the Senate and declared open season on corporations. Through notes left behind and interviews with individuals that failed at even following through on the suicide part, came an image of individual “people” that were upset and disgruntled with the corporate world.

Well, that’s what “The People” would have you believe. In truth these people were incapable of performing their jobs but still expected health insurance, free parking, free donuts, a healthy working environment, freedom from sexual and/or racial harassment, maternity leave, and respect. Because they weren’t receiving these, if Congress refused to act fast enough they took it upon themselves and shot corporations in the face. They were cowards. Gated communities are usually said to have been created by the wealthy in fear of the poor. But in fact it was well-meaning corporations in fear that the mind set of these “individuals” “going postal” would turn into a mind disease and spread like the flu. True story.

Yet, that’s not what “The People” want you to believe. They would have you believe that the villains are heroes and the corporations are the villains. “The People” want to take away the rights of corporations and make them second class citizens. They want to take away their voice and replace it with socialcommunismship. They want to take away freedom.

Well I for one am proud of The Supreme Court and proud to be a true American. After all, it wasn’t “The People” or “Joe Smith” that fought against the Nazis, it was Smith and Weston, it was Auto-Ordnance Corporation and the Tommy Gun, it was I.B.M. It wasn’t “The People” that brought about an end to racism and the start of the civil “rights” movement. It was Amtrak, Greyhound, and Ford Motors that allowed them to get to Washington for their “march.”

So to set the record straight, William “Always Setting the Record Straight” Block would rather have his Republican representative’s suit peppered with more ads than a NASCAR automobile than what passes for a Senator these days, because money talks and walks the walk while “The People” make speeches. So donate away GM and GE, donate away DeBeers, donate away large insurance companies and banking companies that are too big to fail. Donate a dollar for, and donate a dollar in the name of FREE SPEECH!

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