The Final Formulation

Promoting a new line of body washes and shampoos that are “specially formulated” for America’s growing immigrant population, two Jejune, Inc. executives held a press conference on Tuesday to announce the company’s new commitment to “ethnic cleansing.”

As the assembled media exchanged puzzled glances, stunned by the unorthodox use of the term “ethnic cleansing,” Jejune V.P. of Marketing Jocelyn Twill continued.

“We at Jejune welcome ethnics of all types to America,” said Twill. “That’s why we want to help them become more American by cleansing them so they smell less like their native land and more like Diazolidinyl Urea and Propylene Glycol.”

She then explained how those two chemicals are key ingredients in their “mountain rain” formula, which was very popular with the rarely studied 17-27 focus group. Jejune also unveiled Sizzle, a body wash “specially formulated” for non-WASP (though White Anglo-Saxon Protestants can also use it) men that guarantees 40 percent more attention from the opposite sex. Mitch Turner, Jejune’s V.P. of Special Formulation, then relieved Twill at the microphones so he could explain how the aphrodisiac soap works.

“I used to be a real loser with the ladies,” said Turner, who is whiter than Prince Charles in January. “But since I’ve been using Sizzle, I’ve been baggin’ more young snizz at da club than I know what to do wit.”

Following an awkward moment during which no one in the room seemed to be breathing, Turner added, “Oh, wait, I said that all wrong. I know what to do with it… if you know what I mean.”

He then winked at a female reporter who promptly vomited all over both her notebook and the New York Post writer sitting in front of her. Twill quickly returned to the podium to begin damage control.

“Yes, you see, what Mr. Turner means is that, at Jejune, we know how ethnics tend to be sex maniacs with a sweet tooth for discos, but they may not know that on a hot, packed dance floor, us pretty white women can hardly stomach the sweaty ethnic odors emanating from their hairy chests,” Twill said. “This is why ethnic cleansing is so important.

After adding that immigrants do tend to dance better than WASPs, Twill asked if there were any questions and a young upstart from the San Jose Mercury News boldly took aim at the massive elephant—one that everyone could see except for the two hosts—in the room.

“Do you know what ethnic cleansing means?” she said. “Are you aware that it is a pathetic euphemism for the mass murder of one race by another, often spurred on by racial hatred but also usually orchestrated to obtain an economic advantage, with examples ranging from the Holocaust to the decimation of the American Indian?”

Twill tilted her head as she took in the information, then turned to Turner, met eyes with him for a moment and said:

“Well. I can’t speak for Jejune on this one, but as for myself, I’m behind that kind of ethnic cleansing too.”

Following a collective gasp, Turner stepped in to explain his colleague’s position.

“You need to understand Jocelyn a little,” he said. “I guarantee the only words she heard in that question were economic and advantage.”