WHAT WOMEN WANT: MASLOW DIDN’T HAVE A CLUE

It is obvious to me that Maslow was a man when I studied the hierarchy of needs and the order in which he set them up. I can agree with the general premise that “people” have certain needs and that without fulfillment in one area, they can’t achieve fulfillment in another. However, the order which Maslow claims “people” need these things is questionable to me as a woman. The first glaring controversy is that “sex” is listed as one of our first needs of “survival,” or physiological needs. The major flaw of the hierarchy of needs is that it ignores the difference between woman and man. It discusses needs essential both to men and women without addressing how those needs are prioritized by the different sexes. Maslow completely left women out. In order to consider the needs of women, Maslow would have to rearrange the hierarchy of needs differently for women and for men.

For example, I’m willing to concede that people need sex, even women. But, there is no way in hell that it is in the same category of “survival” needs like breathing, food, sleep, water, shelter, etc. No way! I almost wonder if this was Maslow’s sneaky way of convincing women everywhere that MEN needs sex and that this is a “survival” need. “Honey, I know you’re pissed off at me but I NEED to have sex. I need it the way I need air and food!”

But, assuming that we as a society take into account this “male” need for sex, then we HAVE to include woman’s need for intimacy and communication in that first rung of needs. Sooner or later (usually sooner rather than later) in a sexual relationship a woman NEEDS intimacy and communication. Women prefer to have it BEFORE the sex. It is as essential for women as is security of the family and body. Women with child bearing in mind would have deep reservations with trusting the care and safety of a child to someone they themselves cannot trust emotionally. In fact, if it were not for the fact that Maslow put sex on the first rung of needs, the discussion would be quite different for a Woman. Women can have intimacy without the sex, although men seem to have a harder (if not impossible) time with that concept.

I instinctively know that without the so-called “intimacy” that sex affords us with men, we’d likely have none. This is not because intimacy cannot be achieved by other means, but simply because men have chosen sex as their preferred (and in some cases ONLY) method for achieving intimacy. In fact, there are many tales of romantic and intimate love between two people that never involved sexual contact. Men refer to those as “chick books” or “chick novels” or “chick flix.” So, intimacy as a woman understands intimacy—is a myth as far as men are concerned. No thanks to Maslow.

So, I’m left wondering… is it impossible for women to seek communication and intimacy with their male partners while putting sex LAST simply because of some Maslow-dictated “biological NEED?” Or have men simply latched onto this theory and become lazy sex addicted junkies supported by their peers in science and sociology —like Maslow—threatening us women into the belief that if we don’t put out, men will drop out. I believe as woman we should debunk this myth of Maslow’s and (short of having him excommunicated for his blunder) simply have a woman correct this mess by publishing something appropriate and inclusive.
What we need is the woman’s perspective injected into this argument… and perhaps a WHOLE NEW pyramid of hyerarchy. JUST FOR WOMEN! One that acknowledges OUR needs as women—needs that are essential for health and function as well as survival. A pyramid that acknowledges that sexual intimacy (which in Maslow’s pyramid doesn’t appear until the third rung) has to exist FIRST in a relationship with a woman. That sex without intimacy is not a priority for many women because it lacks security, safety of health and well being and other more important essentials. A pyramid that recognizes that intimacy takes WORK.

I believe up to now, this has been pondered by any estrogen laden brain many a time. However, the reason why it has not yet been done is pretty clear. We live in a man’s world. Men not only want to continue to live in their fantasy land of easy one-liners about how they “need” sex. They prefer to continue in the comfort of this sex excess and sloth, they don’t want anyone pointing out other methods of “intimacy”—a concept now alien to the post-Maslow generation.

If men continue to believe that “sex” is a priority on the order of breathing, eating and excreting, the romance in the lives of their partners are dead for sure. What person wants to hear that regardless of the intimacy in a relationship, sex (sans the intimacy) is still required as much as food and air? There are many ways of achieving intimacy with others, and men need to explore these outlets and practice them to become proficient and comfortable with their use. Rather than a booty call, maybe they should purchase a Hallmark card, call a friend, or eat a pint of Häagen-Dazs! Regardless of the options, a solution should be rendered. Women deserve a pyramid that puts our need for intimacy FIRST.

For Valentines day this year, forget the roses and chocolates boys! Get her some intimacy instead!