Zombie College Survival Guide

By Riah Roe
Contributing Writer

Fall is approaching and people can sense that things are changing. Soon short skirts, strange dorm smells, and the hesitant excitement for classes are about to start. I have always wondered if there is much of a difference between the chaos of the college experience and a post-apocalyptic zombie world. As the line between human and monster seems to be getting thinner and thinner (e.g. Lady Gaga), the need to be prepared for the worst is a necessity. So I, as an experienced college student and zombie enthusiast, have compiled a short list on how to survive both.

1. Form a Posse
The first thing about surviving is knowing who to trust. The first few weeks of your situation will be mass chaos. People will be running everywhere; no one will really know what they are doing, and late at night many people will be seen stumbling around looking for food. So to avoid becoming fresh meat, make sure you have a solid posse. Battling your way through the day-to-day craziness is exhilarating but also tiring and you won’t want to do it alone. Finding a core group of people you can trust, get along with, and find supportive is key for survival. Look for these people everywhere, like your resident assistant, professors, and random cute baristas at coffee shops. You never know what kind of hidden skills and qualities they might have. Friendship is important both in college and the post-apocalyptic world. Talking to those in your posse or expanding to neighboring posses increases your chance of finding people with the right skills to help you survive, whether it is explosives training or calculus.

2. Stake Out The Landscape
Everyone knows that sleep is fun, knives hurt, and fire is fun and it hurts. However, a major aspect of being a survivor is staking your claim and having a place to sleep at night that is safe, with knives put away, and not on fire. Sometimes you will find yourself in new situations where the tensions are high and you will need an escape plan. If you find that your college roommate is a brain-gnawing fiend from the underworld, I very much encourage you to find an alternative to duct taping them to the wall and hoping for the best. Instead, branch out to the people in charge. They will either be identifiable by road blocks and flares or they may be holed up in your local student affairs office. Granted they may in some ways be responsible for your predicament, but there are usually a few good ones in the batch that are willing to help you out, assuming you speak coherently and do not have open wounds. If for some reason you cannot seem to escape your living arrangements, seek outside help and mediation to discuss a new game plan for making it work. While soothing a savage zombie roommate may be difficult, it is not unheard of and you might just need some outside assistance like a counselor or something.

3. Don’t Be Afraid To Learn New Skills
There are two great things about humans. The first is that they don’t taste very good with ketchup (Humans 1 Zombies 0). The second is they have a huge potential to learn new things, and when it comes to these types of situations it is very much sink or swim. That being said, make sure you are not afraid to learn new skills. Whether it is taking an interesting class that does not count for your major or learning how to make throwing stars out of vinyl records, you never know when such a skill will come in handy. Also don’t be afraid to try things you would not have before because they seemed un-cool. If you were a burly football player in high school and ballet is starting to look interesting, sign up for it. Likewise, if you were a cheerleader, it may pay to take a look at mixed martial arts. Everyone knows zombies hate ballet and love pom-poms. The key aspect to survival is finding happiness in the pandemonium and this might mean trying new things regardless of what the zombies think of it. Because let’s be serious, most of their brains are rotting anyways by now.

4. Eating to Avoid Being Eaten
A very important aspect of survival that is often overlooked is what one is eating. While Twizzlers, PBR, and Marlboro Menthol Light 100’s may sound good in theory, they most likely are not going to keep you running for very long. The reality is that resources are sparse in these conditions and one has to plan accordingly and eat smart. All those Twizzlers add up and everyone knows that you do not have to run fast to escape a zombie, but you just have to run faster than the slowest person. Make sure to get plenty of fruits and vegetables and really look at your resources before splurging. Coupled with that is trying to stay fit. I recommend at least getting some form of exercise during the week. Clearly when zombies are practically knocking down your door this can be difficult, but it will be a lot easier to fend them off if you can lift a bag of flour unassisted. Staying in shape can also help when your alarm did not go off as planned and you have 90 seconds to run across campus before your exam. Needless to say, lay off the Twizzlers and lift heavy things to be successful against zombies and statistics.

5. Enjoy The Insanity
There are few things as enjoyable as knowing that you have total control over your destiny. One can only dive into the mass chaos and hope for the best. There are things you can do, like follow the tips on this list, but many things are found out just by trial and error. If you realize that you have the ability to make choices about who you trust, where you go, and what you do you will not only succeed in college, you will also probably survive a zombie apocalypse. Unless you die. That would be a bummer. Try not to do that.

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