Chinese Take-away

Sunday November 23. I forgot to vote this year so I figured if there is another way to stand up and be counted, it’s to be one of 301 million Americans to claim a free Dr. Pepper on the release of Axl Rose’s “Guns n’ Roses Chinese Democracy.”

When I first heard about the promotion I went to the store in my neighborhood at about 7pm thinking I was going to walk out with a drink. The Central Asian owner, who I have a good rapport with, was unfamiliar with such an offer but was very interested in a new Guns n’ Roses album which I had little information about other than that it was most likely awful.

I researched the matter a little more and found out that I had to go to their website and register. After I found this out I felt stupid for not consulting the internet before I wasted the trip.

I figured I could print a coupon or they’d give me a code or something.

I went to drpepper.com and a white screen with the message “service unavailable” in the top left corner appeared. I tried again and got the same message. I checked the url, which was right. Then I thought I’d wait and try again later. While I was waiting I figured I would go to the band’s myspace page where the entire album was offered for free and see what it sounded like.

Track 1. Chinese Democracy. Opens with a time tested rock riff which could be mistaken for the one hit by The Darkness that polluted our ears all summer five years ago or the Scorpions’ Rock You Like a Hurricane. The whiny southern rock guitar leads with Axl’s unmistakable voice are the two elements with which someone could identify the band playing as Guns n’ Roses.

Chinese Democracy is the default track which plays automatically when you visit the site which had 1,877,321 plays, more than twice as many as any other track. This leads me to believe that more than half of the people who listened were either so unimpressed or disturbed by this song that they didn’t bother with the remaining tracks or that they only went to the page to find information about free Dr. Pepper in the first place.

Track 2. Sheckler’s Revenge. This song gets the nookie. The nu metal-inspired vocal and guitar layers have already convinced me that this entire effort is a blatant stab at remaining relevant and ensuring radio play. I shouldn’t hold Axl to higher standards than other pop musicians. I just think that waiting 14 years for an album that gets put out everyday is a bit too long.

Okay, another attempt at the website and no luck. I saw on internet bulletin boards that others were having trouble too. I figured it would calm down around dinner time.

Track 3. Better. See track 2.

Track 4. Street of Dreams. Triumphant piano at the start gives you the impression that Axl was interested in reliving his November Rain glories but then a discarded track from an Aerosmith album circa 1994 surfaces.

Track 5. If the World. A sleazy crawl reminiscent of the Sopranos theme song. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the third single release from this album.

It was getting late and I was starting to worry that I wouldn’t make the 12am deadline when I finally got to the website. It was frozen but the fact that I could at least see the Dr. Pepper emblem was promising.

I found out that apparently drpepper.com conveniently crashed. According to Dr. Pepper “(We) hadn’t anticipated this kind of response.” So, they invited 300 million people to go to their website for free soda and then acted confused about why so many people were visiting their website.

I decided to give up on Dr. Pepper and Guns n’ Roses, accepting defeat. 

Later that night I found out that they’d extended the promotion until 6pm the next day. I still had a chance!

Google’s top searches for Sunday Nov 23:

1. Heart Attack Grill

2. Dr. Pepper

3. Dr. Pepper Chinese Democracy

4. Dr.  Pepper

5. drPepper.com

6. Cyber Monday

7. Dr. Pepper Guns and Roses

8. Free Dr. Pepper coupon

9. http://www.drpepper.com

10. tina sherman pictures

People seemed to care about Guns n’ Roses and their album only when free soda was involved.

Monday the 24th. I woke up the next day and went straight to drpepper.com. It worked!

I went to the registration page, at the top of which was a counter indicating the time until the promotion would be over.

It was at 05:12:34.

The top two fields asked me for my name and password, underneath which was an entire registration form for “new registrants.” I thought that was pretty presumptuous of them to assume that most people visiting during this whole promotion would already be a member of their stupid soda website.

Upon completion of the new registrants form, I hit the send button at the bottom. The site told me that my password wasn’t long enough. Once again very presumptuous, (A) that I was ever going to visit their website again and (B) that I would give a shit if someone figured out the password for my drpepper.com account.

After I elongated my password, it took me to another registration form that was for the coupon, at the bottom of which I was to “solve a captcha,” which is one of those “type the words in the box” features.

The words it gave me were “if” and “mention.” I typed them together without a space. It was wrong. The second words were “find” and “ramp.” I figured I’d try them with a space this time and once again it was wrong. After three more failed attempts, I think I got one right because the website froze again.

The clock was now at 3:24:12

Track 6. There was a Time. This was possibly the most use-your-illusion-y track thus far, which isn’t necessarily a good thing as far as I’m concerned.

I made breakfast, made a poo, took a shower then returned to the website, which was still “loading.”

The time remaining was 2:03:16

I started over and filled out all of the neccessary fields again, and I nailed the captcha on the first try but once again the site said it was loading.

Time remaining was 1:58:11

Frustrated, I decide to go for a walk and visit a friend, cool off a bit. I came back to the computer and…

I had 0:42:21 left.

So I called 1-888-DRPEPPER, which I should have done a long time ago and put it on speakerphone.

“Due to overwhelming interest in our offer we have taken meas…”

00:31:46.

Track 7. Catcher in the Rye. More of the same. I was starting to notice a bit too much of Axl’s rudimentary piano playing in these tracks. I also noticed that the album lists 9 current members, but myspace lists 7. What do all these extra dudes do in this band that leaves so much room for Axl and his piano?

00:22:12 remaining.

“Thank you for holding. Our representatives are still busy…” If my minutes weren’t free I’d have spent the value of a free soda twenty minutes ago on phone time.

Track 8. Scraped. Another Disturbed-inspired track

Track 9. Sorry. Could have confused this with a newer Ozzy Osbourne track with lots of wah.

00:12:20 left.

I finally got through to an operator. I told her I had waited for over a half an hour and she asked me if I’d tried the website. She took down my name (I gave her a fake one, thinking my real name may have registered on their website somehow) and address, and told me my coupon would be there in 4 to 6 weeks.

As far as Chinese Democracy is concerned, if you are determined to like it you will. I don’t like Axl or the later efforts of Guns n’ Roses, so I was probably not going to like it anyway. My belief is that as time and music trends changed, so did Axl’s “vision” of what Chinese Democracy was supposed to sound like.
The promotion ended before my phone call did, but I imagine I’ll still get the coupon.

I don’t even drink soda, but I consider this reparation for all the terrible Chinese Democracy songs that will be blasted out of cars, tvs and sports stadiums for the next six months so I’ll take what I can get.