An Introduction to the Gay (Some Say Homosexual) Agenda

By Joshua Boschee

In honor of my first column with the HPR, I thought it would be beneficial to share with you all the truth behind the Gay Agenda.  That way, we all start out on the same foot as we converse in future columns.  But before we begin with today’s lesson, how about a brief bio for those of you that are not currently acquainted with the author’s Facebook profile.
Like many of you, this charming, 27 year-old resident of Fargo is gainfully employed but finds himself picking up a part-time gig working every other weekend for a local human service agency to accommodate his lavish downtown Fargo lifestyle and 3G cell phone bill. Raised in Minot and a product of Catholic schooling who went on to be educated at a local land-grant university, he often finds himself defending his tendencies of standing up for others to family members who blame the socialist characteristics of his generation on the liberalization of education in North Dakota.  A life-long learner and educator who enjoys discussing progressive politics, social issues, culture, and his plans to save the world (usual involves the consumption of rail whiskey and a splash of diet coke), this local Adonis has recently taken up spin classes in hopes of participating in the upcoming 10K at the Fargo Marathon. Finally, as a homosexual (hope you don’t mind my use of a throwback term) male, whose favorite night of the month is Ladies Night at the I-Beam (see you there Friday), this man among men will enlighten you about the realities of queer life in Fargo-Moorhead.
So now that you know who your teacher is, its time to move into today’s lesson introducing the Gay Agenda (referred to as the Agenda from here on out).  Unlike many of our guiding principles founded in the Bible, or the Koran, the Constitution, or even the ND Century Code, the Agenda was not written down or orally passed on from generation to generation.  Rather, it is a document that is deeply embedded within the gay gene.  Upon one’s Coming Out Party (think Quinceanera with much more glitter and bad techno music), the gene is activated by a secret pass code, which is entered by the individual’s Gay Recruiter, only after the individual chooses to turn gay. 

The Agenda is a code that all homosexuals abide by, men and women (bisexual people only need to adhere to the agenda when active in a same-sex relationship).  The Agenda informs homosexuals of the location of top-secret meetings, how to use gaydar, fashion policy, and when the next Madonna and Indigo Girls singles will be released.  Finally, the Agenda provides detailed instructions on how to play the role of a societal victim, destroy the nuclear family unit, infiltrate the workplace and public school system, degrade the sanctity of marriage, and how to plan a Pride parade.
Over the past decade, we have observed the religious rights fervor grow exponentially as Ellen’s gay gene was activated, then Rosie O’Donnell’s activation and creation of a family, followed by Clay Aiken’s second place finish and activation, Gay Day at Disney World, Project Runway, and now Glee.  Never before in our great history have so many homosexuals held such power.  As you can see, the Agenda is merely a tool that we homosexuals use to guide our lives when we aren’t participating in society as doctors, teachers, mechanics, clergy, bankers, servers, bus drivers, government officials, and wedding consultants.  It is my hope that by sharing this important information with you all, homosexuals can be more transparent members of society and live in harmony with our heterosexual friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers.
Once the Gay Agenda is fulfilled, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender persons and straight people will be allowed to keep our jobs, live in our homes, be safe in school, protect our country, have access to appropriate medical care, serve in leadership roles, participate in a faith life, and marry the man or woman that we love.

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