Biblical Obfuscation And The Tower Of Babel Through The Ages

I guess when you run into a fork in the road, you might as well take it. But when you come to three roads leading somewhere, it can create an interesting situation. I don’t like to write about religion two weeks in a row, but a confluence of reading three different literary vehicles—a poem, a magazine article, and a book—in the last week almost makes it mandatory.

I used to teach John Milton’s “Paradise Lost” to high school seniors whether they liked it or not, so when a language scholar said he had “translated” the epic poem into modern English, I was intrigued. I again read parts of the downfall of Adam and Eve.

During that time I was also reading “The Sins Of The Scripture” by John Shelby Spong, Episcopal bishop of Newark before he retired in 2000. Besides writing over 20 books on various religious topics, Spong has also taught at Harvard and at the Graduate Theological Union at Berkeley.

Then I got the most recent issue of Newsweek containing the article, “The Religious Case For Gay Marriage.” I have always been in favor of gay marriage, being the socialist, commy-pinko, liberal, agnostic, ex-Roman Catholic, atheist, pantheist, liberal Lutheran that I am.

The article will probably have the same effects in Colorado Springs, the Protestant Vatican of the U.S., as a suicide bomb in the middle of Baghdad. It will no doubt cause heart attacks, strokes, obsessive-compulsive chocolate eating, and blood pressure explosions among the Bible thumpers and NASCAR season ticket holders. The article is a beaut and will bring on much genuflecting and tightening of bloody cicatrices.

An Apt Description Of Hell

I thought I would start with Milton’s description of Satan’s Hell just to get everybody into the proper mood.

First, Milton did not start as a dummy and later made himself exceptionally smart. Born with a very large silver spoon in his mouth in the 17th century, he was still energetic enough to master Greek, Latin, Hebrew, and several European languages by the age of 17 and later earned a BA and MA from Cambridge. So let’s all sweat a little in Milton’s Hell:

“A dungeon horrible, on all sides round / As one great furnace flamed, yet from those flames no light / but rather darkness visible served only to discover sights of woe / Regions of sorrow, doleful shades, where peace and rest can never dwell
/ Hope never comes that comes to all / but torture without end still urges, and a fiery deluge, fed with ever-burning sulphur unconsumed / Such place Eternal Justice had prepared for those rebellious / Here their prison ordained in utter darkness, and their portion set as far removed from God and Light of Heaven as from the center thrice to the utmost pole.”

Spong: “I Do Not Understand How Anyone Can Saddle God With Assumptions…”

Spong can be a real troublemaker for those who hypocritically cherry-pick their beliefs from the smörgåsbord on the Biblical table. Spong starts his very serious book with these zingers:

“My religious critics say to me that there can be no Christianity apart from the authority of the scriptures…I want to say in response that the claim that the scriptures are either divinely inspired or are the ‘Word of God’ in any literal sense has been so destructive that I no longer want to be a part of that kind of Christianity! “

I do not understand how anyone can saddle God with the assumptions that are made by the biblical authors, warped as they are both by lack of knowledge and by the tribal and sexist prejudices of that ancient time. Do we really want to worship a God who plays favorites, who chooses one people to the neglect of all the others?

“When we portray the God of the Bible as hating everyone that the chosen people hate, is God well served? Can we really worship the God found in the Bible who sent the angel of death across the land of Egypt to murder the firstborn males in every Egyptian household in order to facilitate the release of the chosen people?

“Can the Bible be the ‘Word of God’ when it has Samuel order King Saul in the name of God to ‘Go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have: do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass?’

“Is it the ‘Word of God’ when the Psalmist writes about the Babylonians who have conquered Judah: ‘Happy shall be he who requites you with what you have done to us! Happy shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rocks!’”
(I thought only Nazis and Crusaders were capable of such barbarism—not God.)

Can We Believe Every Word And Every Comma?

Have you ever tried the parlor game of lining up about eight people and having them pass on a seven or eight word sentence by whispering it in their neighbor’s ear from one end of the line to the other? Amazing what you end up with.

The sentence often comes out garbled and nonsensical. Over 70 major Bible translations have been printed over the last 400 years. When the thumpers say they believe every word in the Bible, which Bible and what translation are they talking about?

I hope they aren’t as dumb as the Mississippi state senator who dropped this gem on the legislative floor when responding to a bill allowing the teaching of French, Spanish, and German in Mississippi public schools: ” If English was good enough for Jesus Christ to write the Bible in, it’s good enough for our children.” No wonder Mississippi always scores last in educational performance.

Let’s take a look at Hebrews 12:7 from the King James Version (1611): “If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?” Now look at the New International Version (2005): “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?”

Calling all thumpers! Please line up and convince me that these two “versions” have been dictated by God and mean exactly the same thing. In the short span of 400 years, “sons” has been replaced by “children.” Same meaning? Nonsense! A woman was merely chattel in most “families” almost to the conclusion of the the 20th century—just to start with.

Stoned Any Adulterers Lately? Do You Know The Correct Way To Sacrifice A Goat?

The thumpers use many Biblical verses to try to convince people that homosexuality is an abomination. Yep, says so right in the good book under all the rules of Leviticus.

There are also rules about treating leprosy, avoiding unclean menstruating women, the proper materials for clothing the body, the eating of shellfish and pork, the use of pigskin, and a thousand other rules.

Homosexuals should be stoned to death, of course, but also save the rocks for adulterers and those that lust after other people. Leviticus also prescribes the proper haircut. There must be fundamentalist barbers who advertise “Leviticus Haircuts: 20 Percent Off” in the South.

Is marriage mentioned in the Bible? Not really that much, say the experts. Alan Segal, a Biblical scholar at Barnard University, says the Bible suggests “arrangements were made between one man and as many women as he could pay for.” Did Solomon really have 300 wives and 700 concubines? Did God sneak the old guy sacks of Viagra?

The Newsweek writers have written a very thoughtful article that should at least give the thumpers pause. A quick summary: “Religious objections to gay marriage are rooted not in the Bible at all, but in custom and tradition….The Bible endorses slavery, a practice that Americans now universally consider shameful and barbaric. It demands the death penalty for adulterers and for men who have sex with men.”

Why have the thumpers ignored the penalty for adulterers? Could it be because they “adulterate” more than anyone else in religious communities? “The Bible was written for a world so unlike our own, it’s impossible to apply its rules, at face value, to ours.”

The writers point these facts out: “Marriage has become unrecognizable to the wives of Abraham and Jacob. Monogamy became the norm in the Christian world in the sixth century; husbands’ frequent enjoyment of mistresses and prostitutes became taboo by the beginning of the 20th.”

The Biblical King David “rends” his clothes and writes a song after the death of his very close friend Jonathan: “I grieve for you Jonathan my brother / You were very dear to me / Your love for me was wonderful / More wonderful than that of a woman.”

Some Bible translations praise this “enduring love” between two men while others express a little “nervousness” about it. What do you think? Was David gay? Could be. Was he “abominating” with Jonathan? Perhaps if you read the 71 major translations of the Bible you can come up with an answer.

A cartoon in the latest New Yorker adds perspective to religious controversies. God is gazing down on earth, carrying a huge thunderbolt and standing on a cloud next to one of his angels . He cautions his angel: “No, no, that won’t be necessary—they’re doing a pretty good job on themselves.”