How Long Is A Billion Seconds?

How Long Is A Billion Seconds?

Whether or not we are going to hell in a handbasket must be driving all of the Wall Street hedge fund managers and investors close to any skyscraper windows they can open. They might even begin to feel like Macbeth when he learned his wife died of paranoia: “Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” Absolute greed will do that.

It seems the whole world is going bipolar, swinging from ecstasy to despair between rings of the stock market bell. Before I get to our economic problems, however, I must comment on the decision to make Tijuana, Mexico (one of the best liberty cities in the world for my fellow Marines) off-limits. Here we have 44,000 Marines of the First Expeditionary Force at Camp Pendleton, many of whom who have survived three of four tours in the deadly streets of Baghdad, Anwar Province, and the mountains of Afghanistan. They can’t venture across the border for a drink and some fun.

Oh, Marines can get permission to travel to Mexico, but they must have a signature of at least a lieutenant colonel and complete anti-terrorism training, suffer through a “military briefing” before crossing, and must travel with a “buddy” who is 18 or older! I almost fell off my chair laughing when I read this.

I couldn’t help but think of one of my company commanders in the old Corps back in the fifties who had 18 years in and had fought in WW II and Korea. His chest dripped with medals—a couple of Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, and the Navy Cross. I just couldn’t imagine him going in to see his CO and saying: “Please, Sir. May I have your permission to travel across the border to Tijuana for some Rest and Relaxation?” The world seems to be too much with us.

Where Is Waterboarder Dick Cheney When You Need Him?

The Wall Street boys and girls and their affiliated bankers and brokers in financial companies across the country are having a hard time recognizing that greed is not good anymore. What is it going to take to bring reality to this bunch of crazies? Do we need to have a few waterboardings on Wall Street to bring them to their senses? Where the hell is “no-brainer” Dick Cheney when you really need him?

Wall Street brokerage firms lost more than $35 billion in 2008; so, these wonderful, irreplaceable CEOs, managers, and brokers who accomplished this feat got $18.4 billion in bonuses. What form of capitalism is this? To add some perspective, there are one million seconds in twelve days and one billion seconds in almost 32 years! Then think of a dollar a second.

It seems Wall Street has its own culture. This crowd has no shame. They have been getting huge bonuses for a decade now—and almost no one cared. Times were good. An article in the New York Times by Alan Feuer and Karen Zraick, “It’s Theirs And They’re Not Apologizing,” is quite revealing about the WS tribal culture.

They quote an investment banker: “People come here because they want to work hard and get paid a lot for working hard. I think there is a disconnect between Wall Street and Main Street.” You bet your sweet bippy there is.

The Real Question Is: “What If You Lost $30 Million Instead Of Creating It?”

A broker said: “On Main Street, ‘bonus’ sounds like a gift, but it’s part of the compensation structure of Wall Street. Say I’m a banker and I created $30 million. I should get part of that.” That sounds reasonable. But what if the banker lost $30 million instead of creating it? Wall Street guys think they should still get paid as if they had made the $30 million instead of losing it!

This is where the ‘bonus’ idea goes nuts. Would a real estate salesperson still demand his commission if he lost the sale on a house? Would a gigolo get paid if he couldn’t perform? Would custom combiners still expect to be paid if they couldn’t harvest a crop because of the weather? Could they use the line: “Because we worked hard and wanted to get paid a lot for working hard?” Hit the road, Charlie.

Since when do people get paid for failure? Can you imagine Tiger Woods demanding to win first prize money in a golf tournament after finishing 35th because he is rated as the top golfer in the world and “wants to get paid a lot for working hard?”

I don’t know what it’s going to take to change the Wall Street culture. They don’t seem to be able to differentiate between “failure” and “success.” I do have a suggestion about the granting of bonuses. It would be very difficult to eliminate bonuses from this culture, but there is one sure way. Let’s just tax them at 95 percent! That way we are not interfering with private enterprise pay structures at all.

Perhaps It’s Time To Bring Back An Old Aztec Custom

John Thain, late CEO of the late Merrill Lynch brokerage, has become the poster boy for Wall Street greed and total insensitivity for what is happening in the U.S. economy. When Thain was hired to replace the fired Stan O’Neal (who got a severance package of $161 million!) he got a bonus of $15 million and was awarded a $750,000 salary. Because Merrill lost $11 billion in Thain’s first three quarters as CEO, he was forced to arrange a sale of Merrill to Bank of America at a considerable loss. For all of these failures, Thain hit up the Merrill Board of Directors for a $10 million bonus! Nothing greedy about Thain.

Thain added to his reputation for stupidity, Wall Street greed, and bizarre judgment by rushing out $4 billion in bonuses to Merrill employees without the knowledge (or so they say) of the Bank of America board of directors, who at that time actually owned Merrill. This proves the old adage that when the rich have completely screwed the middle class out of wages, homes, and jobs, they turn on each other
to see who is going to be top dog. We all know what dogs on top do.

But Thain wasn’t done adding to his reputation. He revealed in an interview he had spent $1.2 million “redecorating” his Merrill office because “it would have been very difficult…to use it in the form it was in.” (!!) Perhaps he is a very sensitive soul who appreciates a nice environment. He added fuel to the fire by adding: “It needed to be renovated no matter what.”

Thain did charge off some nice things for his office to Merrill: curtains for $28,000, a chandelier for his private dining room for $13,000, six chairs for his dining room for $37,000, a “custom” coffee table for $16,000, a pair of chairs for his office for $87,000, an area rug for $87,000, fabric for Roman shades for $11,000, an antique commode for $35,000, and to top it all off as a first class environment for business, a $1,400 parchment waste can.

“The Greatest Wealth Transfer Since The Bolshevik Revolution”

Thomas Friedman of the New York Times summarizes our current economic disaster better than most: “Never has one generation spent so much of its children’s wealth… with so little to show for it as in the Bush years… America has foisted onto future generations a huge financial burden to finance our current tax cuts, wars, and now bailouts. Just paying off those debts will require significant sacrifices.

“But when you add the destruction of wealth that has taken place in the last two months… and the need for more bailouts, you understand why this is not going to be a painless recovery…This meltdown comes in the context of what has been ‘perhaps the greatest wealth transfer since the Bolshevik Revolution,’ says foreign-policy specialist Michael Mandelbaum. ‘It is a wealth transfer from the future to the present.’”

By their actions, the financial infrastructure—particularly Wall Street—obviously does not understand what is happening. What do they teach at the business schools of Yale, Harvard, Princeton, and Wharton? The addiction to money is greater than for alcohol, drugs, sex, and shopping. Wall Street doesn’t seem to understand the peasants are really pissed this time and are reaching for their pitchforks, scythes, and 201K reports.

If Wall Street refuses to shape up, perhaps we will need a few summary executions exactly when that silly bell rings to start stock trading in the morning: Ponzi traders first; subprime mortgage traders second; traders of derivatives, credit default swaps, and hedge funds third.

The Aztecs taught a perfect and lasting cure for greed in their business schools. The con/scam-man was strapped belly up on a bench, quite like a person undergoing Dick Cheney’s “enhanced” questioning techniques. With arms and legs strapped down and with funnel firmly jammed between the teeth, the Aztec prosecutors poured molten gold down the throat of the transgressor. When the gold cooled, it was removed and the body was tossed into a pit with other human sacrifices. Waste not, want not—and good symbolism, too.

There are many other cures for Wall Street greed, in that my Christians over the centuries have developed 19 of the top 20 torture devices in the world. I think it’s doubly amusing that the only non-medieval, non-European torture method in the top 20 is waterboarding developed by the Japanese, the Bush-Cheney favorite. Most Americans are familiar with the rack because it was often used in movies with a religious theme. Monks dressed in black looked sinister while pulling heretics apart. But the rack is rated only 14th on the list.

The one on the top of the list is just too horrible to contemplate in these sensitive times. I will describe the one in second place. The saw-ee is suspended upside down from a beam and two sawers start sawing at the crotch until the saw-ee dies. Normally the saw-ee would not pass out for scientific reasons until the navel was reached.

Personally, I prefer the Aztec method for punishing greed. It’s quick, certainly not as bloody as Christian methods, and relates directly to the subject.

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