In the Country of the Blind, the One-eyed Man Is Looking Under Skirts

My Cyclops file is full and I must unload. Whenever I run across a story that supports the theory that in the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king, I throw it in my Cyclops file in tribute to the strong, stubborn, and dumb sons of Uranus (Sky) and Gaia (Earth) in Greek mythology. They are giants with a single eye in the middle of the forehead–-and have a foul disposition. The three sons are blacksmiths, toiling at the forges of their elders. Part of this legend is the fact that real blacksmiths often wear black eye patches over one eye to save it in case sparks fly up from their work. Here are some stories we should look at with both eyes.

South Carolina newspapers recently published an op-ed by the most recent Republican “family values” philanderer Governor Mark Sanford who found a “soulmate” after checking out numerous skirts in the Western Hemisphere. Among his other soulmates was a wife who mothered his four sons—and numerous other women he had “contact” with. Although hanging onto the governorship of the state by a skivvy thread, all will be well, says Sanford, because God will change him so he can become a more “humble effective leader.”

Geez, God is going to be busy–-even if he only works with Republicans. At the moment they need more work than the Democrats. Senator John Ensign of Nevada was caught “private relationing” with one of his public relations staff who was married to his chief of staff. Remember Rep. Henry Hyde of Illinois, the House manager of Bill Clinton’s inpeachment for playing President Warren Harding in a White House backroom? Henry called his four-year affair with a married woman–while he was married–a “youthful indiscretion.” At the time Henry was well into his 40’s. Well, I guess you never lose your thirst for “family values.”

Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia, another leader of Clinton’s impeachment, lost his first wife when he committed adultery with his second wife, and made a national picture show showing him licking whipped cream off the bare breasts of two women–-while married to his third wife. God will have to wear an atomic Timex to keep on schedule.

Rep. Dan Burton of Indiana fathered a son during a long-time affair with a state employee. His Web site proclaimed: “Above all, Dan Burton believes the people have a right to principled leadership and that character does matter.”

God can skip former Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho who had a six-year affair while married. She claims God has forgiven her. Maybe Spanish fly, Intense, and Viagra have invaded the serene Idaho waters.

Former Senator Larry Craig, who called Bill Clinton, “A nasty, bad, naughty boy,” pleaded guilty to soliciting a man in that famous Minneapolis landmark, a toilet in the airport terminal. Poor Larry became known for his wide-stanced statement, “I’m not gay!” during a press conference. Craig was found to have solicited and to have had sex with several Idaho men.

And the list goes on.

Too Much Money, Too Much Gap Between Rich And Poor–Not Enough Money For Healthcare For The Poor

There are over 3,400 spas in this country that have special programs directed at teenagers and preteen Barbies. New York spas average 15 body waxes per week–for preteens! How many 12-year-olds need body waxes?

We have 47 million men, women, and children without health insurance while we have rich families paying up to $40,000 a year to private “guidance counselors” to get their darling offsprings into elite colleges. Since the rich got richer under Clinton and Lurch economics and tax cuts, we have added 5,000 private counselors to the employment rolls, charging between $5,000 and $40,000 to grease the college admission skids for the richies. One “counselor” charges $14,000 for a four-day “boot camp” in Boston for college admissions. When challenged, the counselor said, “Do people economize when they have a brain tumor and are looking for a neurosurgeon? If you want to go with someone cheaper, or chance it, don’t hire me.” Perhaps this gal needs an ego counselor.

The rich are always looking for ways to make themselves richer so they can pay a $40,000 bribe to get their dummy into an elite university. At the present time the Obama government is trying to get the names of 52,000 American millionaires and billionaires who have bank accounts with the Swiss banking giant UBS in order to avoid paying almost $5 billion in U.S. taxes. UBS has already disclosed the names of 250 U.S. clients and has paid a $780 million fine to avoid a criminal indictment. I wonder how many millions just these 250 crooks will cough up? The fine itself would pay for 65,000 family health insurance policies at $12,000 a year. The $5 billion in taxes would pay for nearly 417,000 family health insurance policies. That sum would pay for all families in North and South Dakota, Wyoming, and half of Nebraska. But all of these states are “red” so the residents don’t want the rich to pay their taxes. They don’t need health insurance either.

The Intellectual Capital Of The South

Rednecks gathered by the thousands for the annual Redneck Academic and Intellectual Games at East Dublin, Georgia. The participants added to their sophisticated culture by spitting watermelon seeds in distance contests, bobbing for pig’s feet and ham hocks, belly-flopping into giant mud pits, and contesting for making the most intriguing farting noises with armpits. Evidently it gets more classy and challenging each year.

How Do Muslims Check What Is Really Under The Chador Or Burqa?

I see the Sudanese inquisitors of the Islamic Sharia Vice and Virtue squads are running around the streets lifting long skirts to see if women are wearing pants. Twelve women were recently arrested. Eleven pled guilty and were immediately publicly flogged. Lubna Hussein opted for a trial by a sharia court completely dominated by Muslim men. She said she wanted to call attention to the wanton cruelty of the law because “It concerns thousands of girls who get flogged for clothes and then become social outcasts.” No wonder Muslims have accomplished practically nothing for 300 years except signing Western oil checks and maintaining the tradition of beheading..

I wonder if a Saudi Arabian woman can drive a camel. Our great ally in the Middle East–-George Bush’s Saudi Arabia (The ally that supplied 15 of the 19 hijackers who ran passenger jets into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon)—does not allow women to drive cars. They have no bus system, so if a woman can’t get a male relative to drive her someplace, she must hire a driver and a car or a taxi. It seems that all men in the “Kingdom” are blind and dumb. Perhaps they should find a woman with one eye to lead them out of the darkness.

A Hopeful Sign Out Of Missouri

Once in a while one can celebrate a sign that some people have two eyes. Most states have Adopt-A-Highway programs where organizations and groups can volunteer to keep a section of a highway clean of rubbish. Some years ago the state of Missouri lost a legal battle when it tried to prevent the Ku Klux Klan from volunteering. But they were ready in 2008 when a neo-Nazi group called the Nationalist Socialist Movement volunteered to clean a highway. “Sure,” said the Missouri Department of Transportation, “You can clean this section of highway four times a year.” The state immediately renamed the highway the Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel Memorial Highway, who gained Jewish fame by escaping Nazi Germany and becoming a prominent Jewish theologian and civil rights lobbyist in the United States. The Nazis are now keeping “his” highway clean–and don’t dare stop.

For the Want Of A Cookie–Or Is Darth Vader Blind Behind Those Shades?

Marty Kaplan of the Huffingtonpost.com summed up Vice-President Dick Cheney’s attitude about the Constitution, the violations of the Geneva Convention rules,the use of torture, and waterboarding as a “no-brainer” when he wrote: “He was smarter than us, and if the Constitution stood in his way, well, who the hell’s going to care about a piece of paper when anthrax takes out New York and a dirty bomb takes out LA?” In the June 8, 2009 issue of Time magazine Ali Soufan of the FBI and Robert McFadden of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service puncture Cheney’s torture-prone ideas with examples in the article “How To Make Terrorists Talk.” One example was the interrogation of Abu Jandal, who was closer to Osama bin Laden than any other terrorist ever captured: “He had no intention of ever cooperating with the Americans; at their first meetings he refused to even look at them….While Abu Jandal was venting his spleen, Soufan noticed that he didn’t touch any of the cookies that had been served with tea…He was a diabetic and couldn’t eat anything with sugar in it. At their next meeting, the Americans served him some sugar-free cookies, a gesture that took the edge off Abu Jandal’s angry demeanor….We had showed him respect, and we had done this nice thing for him…So he started talking to us instead of giving us lectures.”

That is exactly what the Geneva Convention is all about. In the country of the blind the one-eyed guy with the right cookies can be king.

Why Don’t We Present A Glock 9mm With A 33-round Magazine To Every High School Sophomore?

The Senate Democrats opened one eye just long enough to reject South Dakota Republican Senator John Thune’s bill to allow persons with carry and conceal permits to move from state to state without paying any attention to the “limiting” laws of the state they were visiting. Why doesn’t the NRA try to get these charades over with by getting Congress to pass a law that requires the Justice Department to present each sophomore enrolled in private or public schools a new Glock 9mm with 33-round magazine? Wouldn’t that procedure even the score, whether he was rural or urban? Guns don’t kill people, right? Wouldn’t all crime disappear instantly if everyone were armed? If flooding the country with arms is the solution, wouldn’t the NRA gunshops be so busy providing parts and ammo to Glock owners they wouldn’t have time to sell weapons to the Mexican drug cartels along the Texas, Arizona, and California borders? Perhaps the 6,700 gun dealers with their spines pressed against the border could import tomatoes and tamales for Americans instead of peddling .50 cal. sniper rifles used to kill Mexican cops.

The Battle Of The Fakes

During the WW II period of blindness there was a moment of wry humor. To protect a vital war industry the Germans built an elaborate fake wooden factory above ground while they moved the real factory underground. As soon as the Germans had finished the fake site, the Royal Air Force dropped one huge fake wooden bomb on it.

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