In The Country Of The Blind, The One-Eyed Man Can Be Just Dumb

Back when caustic wit was plentiful, the sour-faced comedian Fred Allen described his penny-pinching manager as being “so narrow-minded that if he fell on a pin-point it would stick in both his eyes.”

There have been so many important people doing dumb things lately I have decided to sponsor a “Cyclops Award” so their actions are not forgotten. You may remember the cyclops from Greek mythology, a member of a primordial race of one-eyed giants who were stubborn, quick to anger, tagged with a foul disposition, and were left behind when given standardized tests. They were incredible hulks with one big eye in the middle of the forehead. They were very narrow-minded so if they fell on a pin-point…
.   My first awardee is the Crawford village idiot, President George W. Bush, who solidified his unique position in the Texas town by falling on the pin-point when he talked to our service men in Afghanistan by video. Perhaps his eyes were so damaged by other pin-points he had difficulty reading the teleprompter. In his immortal pattern of “Mission Accomplished” and “Bring ‘em on!” he said: “I must say, I’m a little envious. If I were slightly younger and not employed here, I think it would be a fantastic experience to be on the front lines of helping this young democracy succeed.  It must be exciting for you…in some ways romantic, in some ways, you know, confronting danger. You’re really making history, and thanks.”

  My God, where does one begin?  Here was a guy who joined the Champagne Flight of the Texas Air National Guard because Daddy cleared a spot for him.  Why get your ass shot off in Vietnam when you can protect the Rio Grande from the Cong during the day and then party all night?  But Lurch, who didn’t find that kind of war “romantic” enough, evidently found “romance” in the bottle and in the dope baggy in Texas and Alabama.

  A Vietnam veteran may have broadened Lurch’s mind (a very difficult task) with this comment: “If you (Bush) were so envious, you should have taken my cousin’s place, my roomate’s place, two of my fellow NCOs, and any other member that has been killed so far.”
P.S. I’m saving a spot for Dick Cheney in my future awards. Now, there is a really blind man.

What Does The Pope Wear When He Goes To Confession?

The Vatican added some “new sins” to the lists I had to examine in my 27 years with the Roman Catholic Church.  When I was a child our family would often go to confession on a Saturday night. I faced old Father LaMotte with fear and dread, perhaps hedging a bit on my main sins of lust, gluttony, and greed. What a world it was then! Can you imagine a poor farm kid without a nickel to buy a bottle of pop worried about lust, gluttony, and greed? Good grief!
  Anyway, Pope Benedict, dressed in his finest silk gown embellished with gold brocade and silver embroidery—and with feet ensconced in $400 Gucci slippers, announced that pollution, genetic experiments, the use of mind-damaging drugs, and “social justice” would be added to the ever-increasing list of sins. “Social justice” refers to the widening gap between the rich and poor. Last year the Vatican added the sins of road rage, rudeness behind the wheel, and alcohol to the list. Soon, instead of stone tablets listing the sins, the Church will have to rent Half Dome in Yosemite National Park and employ a crew of rock sculptors to inscribe all the sins on something permanent.

  I think Pope Benedict should talk to some women before appearing in public dressed in thousands of dollars of fine clothing and accouterments talking about the gap between the rich and the poor as a sin. Some church authorities defended the sartorial splendor of the Pope by saying he needs to compete with the $1,000 suits , the $200 shirts, and the $100 ties that envoys and heads of state he deals with wear.  I wonder if a simple homespun robe tied with a rope and plain sandals might make a bigger impression.  After Benedict was granted the white smoke of the cardinal conclave, he was asked to name the most influential people in his life. He named 17 white men.  Not one woman. Most of those named were men who had a big hand in promoting him within the Church. He claimed he was influenced by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart because his music “contains the whole tragedy of human existance.”  George W. Bush is one of the men. Benedict didn’t say why he picked Lurch.

  Speaking of the rich and the poor, the Vatican always has supported the conservative and wealthy elite in Italy.  It backed the election of Silvio Berlusconi, reportedly the richest man in Italy, who served as prime minister from 2001 to 2006. The government gave the Vatican an estimated 4-5 billion euros exemption from paying property tax on Church holdings on Italian soil—while owning an estimated 22 percent of Rome’s real estate! Perhaps Benedict has the same philosophy as this anonymous philosopher: “If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.”

  So when Pope Benedict, complete with ermine and gold-trimmed red velvet capes and hats accessoried by Gucci sunglasses and slippers, lectures the world on the great sin of the imbalance between the rich and the poor, I hope he doesn’t fall on a pin-point.

  Benedict was hooked by colorful fancy clothes when he was just a five-year-old boy, according to a story in SBC Outhouse by Jerry Grace Clinton.  A visiting Roman Catholic cardinal came to Benedict’s home of Traunstein, Germany dressed in a fancy red cardinal dress.  Benedict told his mother that when he grew up he wanted to be a cardinal so he could wear “such a snazzy outfit.”  Clinton points out that in those days if a boy wanted to wear a red dress he might have a whole lot of trouble with the neighborhood guys—and be forced to spend weekly sessions for ten years with a child psychologist.

Will McCain Please Take This Pointy-Head Off Our Hands?

Another great candidate for a Cyclops Award is Governor Tim “Toolittle” Pawlenty, a possible vice-presidential candidate.  He is a perpetual candidate for some elected job that will not ruin his empty suit.  He is so narrow-minded about “no new taxes” and building new stadiums for his wealthy Wayzata and Minnetonka backers in the Minnesota Taxpayers League that falling on a pin-point would certainly blind him.

  His latest answers for the projected Minnesota deficit of about $938 billion is to cut K-12 and higher education and not to worry about the number of polluted lakes and rivers.  The numbers of polluted waters have dramatically increased to 1,400 and the number of “impaired” waterways to 2,575. Pawlenty wants to continue his JOBZ program although it gives tax breaks to companies that do not need breaks to continue in business.  The program is called unfair by auditors who say some employers get tax breaks while others with the same stats do not.  Well, what are friends for?

  But Toolittle wants to cut K-12 education even while students in good districts such as St. Cloud are forced to use old, outdated, and wornout textbooks. Industrial arts teachers at St. Cloud Tech have to make copies of the material they want students to have from one classroom textbook. At the same time teachers do not have the funds to replace old, dangerous equipment in metal, wood, and auto shops.

  Over 95 percent of school superintendents responding to a survey on educational funding are opposed to the current method of school funding while 60 percent say the level of funding damages the quality of education in the state.

  While Toolittle supports stadiums for the billionaire Twins-Pohlads and Viking-Wipfs, school districts have been forced to cut programs such as Quiz Bowl that can be operated for as little as $4,000. Priorities, priorities.

  Since Toolittle has been in office tuition and charges at state colleges and universities have doubled so that Minnesota students pay twice as much as the national average. The average debt of Minnesota students at graduation is $21,000 which is much higher than the Big Ten average.

  Minnesota taxpayers should also hold Pawlenty responsible for the fact that his Republican buddy in the Minnesota Senate John Himle got a $550,000 public relations contract as part of the 35W bridge contract so he could tell us what a great bridge was going up across the Mississippi. A half-million bucks for saying “nice bridge”? Give us a break and fall really deep on the pin-point.

A Quick Trip From Governor To Whoremonger

And finally, the last Cyclops Award for the week for Eliot Spitzer, now the ex-governor of the great state of New York. Perhaps poor Eliot was trying to get to Heaven so he was seeing $4,300 whores constantly to prove his virility.  I know this is a stretch but…..  You see, in Deuteronomy 23.1 the rules are quite strict: “If your testicles are crushed or your male member missing, you must never enter the sanctuary of the Lord.” OK, do you have a better idea?

  Some Wall Streeters celebrated with champagne (I wonder if it cost $79,000 a case which my people, the French, are peddling?))  when the “Lord High Executioner”, as Spitzer was known on Wall Street for his ability to prosecute insider-traders and other frauds, was caught in flagrante in Washington’s Mayflower Hotel.  Shrinks say Spitzer was the victim of a narcissistic disorder.  The few friends he had say that he was also the victim of a domineering father who forced his children to always succeed. The great philosopher-comedian Robin Williams determined that man had just enough blood to run either the brain or the penis—but never at the same time.

  Spitzer hit the books at all times throughout all of his schooling and scored 1590 out of 1600 On the college prep LSAT test.  But he certainly needed to spend more time with the guidebook “Prostitutes and Moral Values For Dummies.” Perhaps when he fell he landed on his testicles instead of his eyes.