In The Country Of The Blind, The One-Eyed Man May Be Even More Narrow-Minded

Perhaps Arges, Brontes, and Steropes, the one-eyed giant sons of Uranus and Gaia in Greek mythology, have passed on their primordial DNA narrow-mindedness to many leaders in our society because my Cyclops file keeps growing by the day. This all started when comedian Fred Allen said his agent was so narrow-minded that if he fell on a pinpoint it would pierce both his eyes. I started to give Cyclops Awards to people who fulfilled Allen’s point. The file is bursting so I have to make some more presentations.

The Old Gray Men in the Vatican

have continued their medieval keep-them-barefoot-and-pregnant policy for women by issuing a decree automatically excommunicating bishops and females they might have ordained as priests.

I think it’s symbolic that on the one hand the women of Warren Jeff’s polygamous keep-them-barefoot-and-pregnant cult don’t wear red or use the color as a decoration because red is the color of Satan and his cohorts.

(Is Eve the only woman in the Bible considered important enough to be seduced by Satan the Snake? She ate a red apple, didn’t she? Remember all those medieval stories about women being impregnated by incubi who sneaked into their beds and had sex with them while they were dreaming? Was there ever an occasion when a female incubus sneaked into the bed of a priest, bishop, cardinal or pope and forced that innocent male to have sex? But I digress.)

The next time I see all of those red-robed Catholic cardinals preening themselves in rows in St. Peters Basilica I hope I don’t get my metaphoric red colors all mixed up.

The Vatican only uses its powers of automatic excommunication (“ferendae sententiae”) in extreme situations: heresy, schism, and laying violent hands on the pope, according to a Washington Post article by Phil Stewart.

Let’s see. Under what part of Church law would the ordination of women fall? Would it be the “violent laying of hands” section? Would the red-robed cardinals be attacked by white-robed female priests after they have been ordained?
Would female priests wear Prada black or robin’s egg blue? Aw shucks, it must fall under heresy.

Women used to be chattel in practically all “civilized” societies until some men looked at their mothers, wives, and daughters and said, “Although they are somewhat limited in imagination and intelligence, they might be capable of leading men and women in government and religion.” But equal? Good heavens.

Of course, it could be schism, perhaps signalling a real split between men and women. The Vatican misogynists say that women can’t be ordained as “apostles” because Christ chose only men as his apostles. In Shakespeare’s day men or boys often played all the female roles in the theater. By the way, when could women actually own property in this country?

Maybe the Vatican will be able to find male priests among the extraterrestrials they will be looking at after the Mars landing. They have over 3,000 churches without priests now. But are E.T., Chewbaca, and Spock really males? Would R2D2 pass the sex text? Wouldn’t it be funny if the Vatican needed another Inquisition to determine the “sex” of alien priests?

Anyone Who Shops at the Beverly Hills Mutt Club

would be an automatic qualifier for a Cyclops Award. We have over a billion people on earth who live on about one dollar a day. We have children in Pakistan who can look forward to spending their entire lives foraging through landfills in order to survive. We also have millions of children in this country who go to bed hungry each night.

According to Parade magazine we have a long list of the “rich and famous” who shop at the Mutt Club for $1,000 dog beds and jewel-encrusted dog collars for $300. This dog boutique recently gained notoriety when they dressed Pamela Anderson’s two male dogs in tuxedos for a “gay holy muttuals” ceremony in Malibu. Paris Hilton is another customer at this exclusive store. One thing we do know. If these two fell on single pins with their chests they would never be able to puncture both their main attributes.

Former South Dakota Governor Bill Janklow

had a well-earned reputation for speeding on S.D. highways at over 90 miles an hour, arrogantly saying to the commoners, “Get the hell out of my way!” He finally killed a Harley driver by going through an intersection stop sign at about 70 miles an hour.

He was convicted of manslaughter, spent 100 days in jail, and resigned from Congress. The family of the victim of Janklow’s negligence got a $1 million judgment against him.

But guess who’s paying the judgment? We are! The judge ruled that because Janklow was on official business of a congressman when he committed this unlawful act, the taxpayers have to pay the judgment.

Let’s see. What if Janklow had shot and killed his election opponent while he was on official business? Would he be excused from paying a civil judgment for wrongful death? I think the judge deserves a gold-encrusted Cyclops Award.

A Headline Writer at the Fargo Forum

who wrote this errant gem: “Minnesotans Want To Keep Pawlenty.” Not this Minnesotan!

Governor Tim “Toolittle” Pawlenty is basically a cute well-coiffed empty suit who doesn’t give a damn about Minnesota.

He is interested only in his own political welfare and plays puppet to the millionaires in Wayzata and Minnetonka. He doesn’t care if he turns the state into another Mississippi.

The story for the headline came out of the Republican Convention at Rochester. It should have read: “Republicans Want To Keep Pawlenty.” That’s fair. If he becomes John McCain’s running mate, I would say, “Splendid!” Anything to get him out of the state for a while.

Dr. William McQuire

Remember the Minneapolis big shot billionaire Dr. William McQuire, once CEO of the UnitedHealth Group Inc., who lost his job because he illegally backdated a whole load of stock options?
Now McQuire is involved in a scam of a Minneapolis landscaper who let bigwigs charge home landscaping work to their business accounts. And McQuire paid only half the going rate because he “helped” the landscaper get work at the new Guthrie Theater, thus avoiding taxes.

Hey, Bill! When is enough actually “enough?” What is the treatment for terminal greed? Perhaps a Cyclops Award on the mantel might bring Bill to his senses.

The U.S. Army

recently built a new “warrior transition” facility for soldiers with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Most of these soldiers have been exposed to the sounds of gunfire and IED explosions for months at a time. Any noises often bring about flashbacks, anxiety, insomnia, and nervous tension, often forcing victims to physically cringe.

In its infinite wisdom the Army built the new PTSD facility and spent an additional $1.2 million on a new Soldier and Family Assistance Center—just 200 yards from Fort Benning’s main firing range—where firing of small and large weapons go on day and night!

The average treatment period for PTSD is eight months. Imagine listening to gunfire 24 hours a day when you are trying to get over hearing gunfire for 24 hours a day! Will all of the bloomin’ idiots who planned this facility please step forward for their Cyclops Awards?

The Federal Bureau of Investigation

If you are a member of a group of poor illiterate black guys living in a filthy Miami warehouse and an FBI informant posing as a member of Al Qaeda told you could earn $50,000 to take part in some kind of terror plot, wouldn’t you jump at the chance to make big money?

So they were given cameras and instructed to take pictures of federal buildings in Miami. They were told it would be nice for them to travel to Chicago and blow up the Sears Tower.

Although they had no weapons, explosives or ammunition in their possession, they were arrested for planning the event.

The Lurch Justice Department has always insisted these guys were skilled terrorists and had evil intentions, so they have tried to convict them two times. Both times the juries have ended up deadlocked. Now the government is going to try them a third time!

People who know these six guys say they couldn’t find the Sears store in Miami—even with directions—let alone the one in Chicago. The men say they went along with the FBI guy because they thought they could con him out of the $50,000. I believe them. Let’s give the Justice Department a Cyclops Award—one without any eye at all.

Pope Benedict XVI

I wasn’t going to pick on the Catholic Church again in this column but I was just about to finish it when the story about the “Obamacon” appeared in a Washington Post article. I spent my first 27 years in the Catholic Church so I know some of the positives and some of the vagaries. Douglas Kmeic—Republican, abortion foe, Reagan Justice Department official, theological scholar, conservative, former Democrat, professor of law at Pepperdine University, former dean of the law school at Catholic University, critic of Roe vs. Wade, avid supporter of Ronald Reagan—was denied Communion at his church because he has become a public supporter of Barack Obama, or an “Obamacon.”

Perhaps the priest who denied Kmiec Communion did not understand the U.S. Conference of Bishops’ statement that “a Catholic cannot vote for a candidate who takes a position in favor of an intrinsic evil, such as abortion or racism, if the voter’s intent is to support that position.” Now Pope Benedict is telling Catholics how they should vote?
Whether pro-life or pro-choice, that’s why we have cubicle curtains and a secret ballot. We have enough fascism in this country. Somewhere it says we have freedom of religion—and freedom from religion. I think Pope Benedict deserves a Cyclops Award with thousands of oak clusters for his ecclesiastical hierarchy.