It’s Raining Cats and Dogs. Let’s Eat!

By Ed Raymond
Staff Writer

According to an article in the New York Times the “beautiful” people in Great Britain are choosing micro pigs as pets instead of dogs and cats. David and Victoria Beckham, who certainly qualify as beautiful people equal to or surpassing Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson, have picked up a pair of pigs.They cost about $250 a leg and supposedly will not add on to their 65 pounds when they reach adulthood. Having been raised on a farm near the “The Biggest Little Pig Market In The World” in Little Falls I know a little bit about pigs. We usually had a few hundred after litter time.

Pigs are pretty smart compared to some animals. They like to wallow in the mud on hot days and often carry on conversations with friends sharing the wallow. Their sociability reminds me of hot tub gatherings we have enjoyed at campgrounds and resorts. It has been said that Winston Churchill, the portly and rather porcine former prime minister of England during World War II, preferred pigs to dogs and cats as pets. He noted: “Dogs look up to you, cats look down on you. Give me a pig. He just looks you in the eye and treats you like an equal.”

There’s some truth to that. Pigs might complain a little that dinner was late with a few grunts and squeals, but I never did see one wag its tail in appreciation for a good cob of corn. I also never put a Berkshire on a leash to take him for a walk in the pasture. But I did admire shapely hams and potential pork chops while they were in the wallow, pen, or on the dinner table. And blood sausage, head cheese, and other pork delicacies often graced our table after the fall butchering.

Smart Pigs and PR Types Named Squealor

I remember the story of the pet pig who saved the life of her mistress by lying down in the middle of the street until a curious motorist stopped. The pig then got up and ran into the house where her mistress was suffering from a heart problem. The motorist was intrigued by the pig’s actions and followed the pig into the house. When he saw the victim he quickly called 911.

That’s smart—but not as smart as the pigs in George Orwell’s “Animal Farm.” In his book the pigs plot to take over the world, led by Napoleon, a boar somewhat resembling Joseph Stalin in his heyday. He was not in favor of democratic principles.

Snowball is his favorite sow ideologue. A ”common-man” pig named Boxer is finally sent to the glue factory because he is against the regime. I think Orwell showed his sense of humor by naming Napoleon’s public relations director Squealor. Perfect.

The All-Time Best of Political and Religious Lobbying

What pig lobbyists convinced two major religions of the world—Islam and Judaism—not to eat pig flesh? I have some extensive and intensive reading to do. What’s the problem with pork? The British Empire probably lost much of Asia because someone started the rumor that bullets supplied their Muslim troops in India were wrapped in paper saturated with pork fat as a preservative.

As farm kids I and my brothers and sisters all had our favorite pigs, calves, cows, geese, and rabbits. Some of them we raised to enter various 4-H and county fair contests. You can get close to animals that might help you make a name for yourself. Often a prize beef was sold for big money to a restaurant using it as a business promotion. Sometimes tears were shed, but on a farm one learned very quickly about life and death. The rabbit you had petted for months usually ended up on the dinner table. We French like rabbit. Better than chicken. In other words it becomes easier and easier to eat our pets.

Is It Rational How Human Beings Around the World Feel About Pets?

I see the Calvary Episcopal Church in Danvers, Massachusetts has instituted a monthly worship service for family pets called the “Perfect Paws Pet Ministry.” Well-behaved leashed dogs are invited, but if your dog chews up other dogs, is sick, or is deceased, people can present a paper prayer. They can also submit paper prayers for cats, goldfish, alligators, snakes, or any other kind of pet you happen to have subjugated to your will.

The church says they have started the service to help your pet get to Heaven. We have had eight dogs so far as a family. Some deserved Heaven while a couple had the very Devil in them. Will we have anything to say to St. Peter when our dogs approach the Pearly Gates complete with dog-proof latch? Will He be the sole arbiter of all dog sins? Will He ask how many times Stinky soiled the carpet? Will He ask how many times Poochie rolled in raccoon crap? Will He check out the sex lives that some of them had? What about the time Fricka, our Norwegian Elkhound, bit Uncle Elmo to show her displeasure at his entering our house? Besides, I’m just not sure that I want to spend eternity with eight dogs in their prime. Peter O’Toole, a Cairn Terrier we had for 17 years, weighed about nine pounds but would take on dogs eight times his size. Bred to dig badgers out of their holes, O’Toole had an attitude and was tough as jerky.

The Chinese Enjoy Dogs and Cats in the Lounger or in the Pot

Two billion Chinese have over the centuries lived under every form of government known to man: dictatorships, the divine right of kings, the dynasties of the rich, and the socialism and communism of the poor. They also have endless views about the treatment of animals. Pets can be marvelous distractions or the main dish of gourmet dinners. The Chinese and many Asians eat every pet known to man and almost every natural substance. Although their most ephemeral of delicacies is probably birdsnest soup, they do particularly concentrate on dogs and cats.

The Chinese advertise dog restaurants by having signs of floppy-eared puppies near the restaurant doors. Dog meat is supposed to be terrific in relieving the pains of arthritis, although that just might be a rationalization for eating dogs that may be sweeter than pork but slightly stronger than chicken. Evidently there is very little of the dog that is not used. Paws, tails, brains, intestines, penises, and other organs are used to make a dog broth which is usually simmered in pepper and ginger for hours. Diners claim it is a very tasty appetizer.

Main dishes include dogmeat hamburger, cutlets, hams, sausage, and dogmeat Chinese noodles. They even make a Chinese ketchup from dogmeat and tomato paste. For dessert they often have dogmeat cookies. Restaurant owners like to purchase medium-sized young dogs with yellow coats that weigh about 30 pounds. I suppose a retriever and Lab pups would be the most popular.

Families will buy dogs and cats in markets spread throughout cities. I suppose an adult cat will feed a family of four while a little Shih Zsu or Yorkie would just be enough for a couple. I wonder if customers take their leashed dogs with them when they shop for a dog for dinner.

Inquiring minds want to know. Would the Beckhams take their pet micro pigs for a walk while shopping for porkchops? Who really determines what to pet and what to eat?

What Free Markets and Unfettered Capitalism Have Done for Dogs in China

Since the Chinese have gone as nuts over capitalism as Goldman Sachs, the Club For Growth, Bernie Madoff, and health insurance companies, they have jumped on the symbolism of unique dogs to advertise their wealth and standing among Chinese “haves.” The rich spend fortunes on Tibetan Mastiffs, a breed that may be thousands of years old. They were first used by monks in the high plateaus of Tibet to guard monasteries and their yak and sheep. They are often over 30 inches at the shoulders, weigh about 180 pounds, and will live to about 14 years. Genghis Khan, the 12th-century Mongol leader who captured much of the known world at that time, had an army corps of over 30,000 mastiffs to work with his vast armies. Feeding them would take an awful lot of Alpo.

Currently there are several hundred thousand of this breed in China alone, with over 10,000 registered as purebreds with the Chinese National Kennel Club. But what is bizarre about Chinese capitalists is the drive to prove they are Number One. A show quality Tibetan Mastiff puppy in the United States will run about $5,000 give or take. A Chinese woman recently paid $600,000 for one for a pet. Chinese men, like wealthy celebrities around the world, like to dominate “trophy” women and possess big dogs. The young woman met the dog at the Xian airport with a long parade of very pricey vehicles to add to the glamour of the event. In Chinese society the show is almost everything.

A dog breeder in Nanjing put out $234,000 for a purebred to use for breeding purposes. He has named the dog Obama and charges $30,000 per breeding session. I don’t imagine Obama even knows about the money. Obama is now worth about $300,000 on the Chinese dog market. That’s pretty expensive dogmeat stew at $1,667 a pound. A former chicken farmer, now the Nanjing breeder averages $440,000 a year for breeding dogs. He names his chief breeders after world leaders. He currently has Obama, Son of Bush, and Putin. Bush died at 11 last year. Perhaps the dog knew he was losing his namesake.

The Chinese Love Their Dogs in Two Ways. I think We love Them in Just One

Eating dogmeat in this country has never been very popular. I have read that Eskimos and Arctic explorers have eaten their sled dogs when they ran out of other vittles. I understand that during the Great Depression there were not many dogs left around hobo camps near railroad lines. In hobo camps a Mulligan stew was kept simmering on the fires, containing anything edible tossed in by the traveling men. Everyone had to contribute something to the pot or go hungry. It is said that occasionally a large “jackalope” was caught and skinned. This is strictly apocryphal.

In that we have always had dogs, we never miss the national dog shows such as the Westminster and Eubanuba. It’s interesting to compare our dogs, some purebred and some mutts, with those prancing on the green or blue carpet. I remember years ago when one dog left a load on the carpet. I assume he was immediately banished to some pot in China for his messy trespass.

USA Today ran an article about four “dog” books recently published. In “One Good Dog” a down-and-out man meets a down-and-out mixed breed pitbull and falls in love. They even talk to each other. Our current dog Poochie knows several dozen words so sometimes we have to spell words around him, but he doesn’t carry on very good conversations.

Another book is about a therapy dog that assists autistic children. Have a box of Kleenex handy, according to the reviewer. In “I Thought You Were Dead” a loser-drunk by the name of Paul meets Stella, the dog of his dreams –- and they carry on conversations forever after. According to the reviewer Stella has more wisdom than Paul. I think I will pass on this one.

In “Love Is The Best Medicine,” a vet works with two sick dogs. Miracles are mentioned. I think I will pass on this one, too.
We have our own dog cemetery on our lake property. No monuments or markers. They are not needed to remember them.

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