Lake Limbaughbeckegon: Where Everyone Is Above

President Barack Obama hasn’t taken my advice yet – but I think the Republicans on the Finance Committee will shortly drive him to it. He should have told them to go to hell months ago on the health care issue. Timing is everything. In the first meeting of the Senate Finance Committee last week, Republican Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky, elected because he once threw a good fastball and could grunt, put it bluntly in the first round of questions: “I do not support a government takeover of the health care system. It confiscates more money from the taxpayers. It tramples on American freedom and liberties.” Shortly after his opening tirade, Bunning fell asleep and had to be awakened by aides after giggles and titters shook the conference room.

Following Bunning, Republican Senator John Cornyn of Texas used more diplomatic language but managed to drive another nail into the bipartisan coffin: “I’m sorry to say that despite your good work (Democratic Senator Max Baucus of Montana), this bill would make many of our problems worse.” Cornyn proposed 70 of the 564 amendments submitted. That old smoothie Utah Republican Senator Orrin Hatch began smarmingly but hit the nail hard: “Let me begin this morning by first commending you and your staff for your sincere commitment in trying to find a bipartisan solution (while raising the knife above the back). I wish I could support it, but I can’t.”

With the same smooth lines he must have used to cuckold his chief of staff, the Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada followed Hatch’s style: “I appreciate the work the chairman has done, but we have fundamental differences in philosophy.” Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa, one of the grumpy old men of the Senate, grumpily said the artificial deadlines imposed by the chairman ended bipartisanship. A critic once said that he thought Grassley had to be smarter than he looked. He later amended: “I was wrong.”

Republican Senator Pat Roberts of Kansas was short and sour: “It’s impossible for me to support the Finance Chairman’s bill.” Republican Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona delivered the death blow: “This bill is a stunning assault on liberty.” By that time the picture was clear. Revelation! The Republicans are against any health care reform sponsored by Democrats!

With Apologies to Garrison Keillor

A few red states – mostly southern and in the mid-west Buffalo Commons – have indicated that they would like to secede from the blue states and form a new nation. That’s OK by me. Evidently they want a country “where all the (white) women are strong, all the (white) men are good-looking, and all the (white) children are above average.” I even have a name for the new Republican nation. Why not call it Lake Limbaughbeckegon after the two philosophers guiding the Republican Party to power and influence?

This new country would be a place where government would fit in a bathtub. Where income taxes never exceed ten percent. Where every citizen conceals and carries. Where all drivers and riders are free of helmet and seatbelt laws. Where The Wall Street Journal, the Limbaugh Letter, and Faux News are free. Where there is no Medicaid, Medicare or Social Security. Where there are no minimum wage laws, no overtime, no unemployment insurance and no forty-hour weeks to worry about.

Where everyone is able to get a tan. Where the trickle-tinkle down economic theory is taught at every grade level. Where all schools are private and teach the Bible. Where there are no zoning laws and water, sewer, fire, police and sanitation services are private. Where all anti-missile Star Wars systems work perfectly. Where all Planned Parenthood operations, including abortion, are banned. Where all roads and bridges are toll operations. Where all business and medical malpractice suits are banned. Where the state religion is Christian by statute and Barack Obama is identified as the Anti-Christ.

Where all politicians must certify they have been “born-again.” Where Confederate flags fly again over the seat of government, the bathtub. Where gays and lesbians are locked into closets or sent out of towns on rails. Where smoking is allowed again in all public and private buildings and restaurants. Where God dominates all health care with miracles performed at prayer breakfasts. Where town hall meetings are run by Talibangelical televangelists. Where corporations contribute to political campaigns without limit. Where no health insurance is written. Where all MBA programs concentrate on the Ayn Rand philosophy of business and government. Where all Advanced Placement students get “5’s” on tests even if the class sizes average 44.

How Can We Compete With God’s Heavenly Care?

I see Tony Perkins, executive director of the Family Research Council, says the Obama administration and Congress is trying to take over health care and turn it into a massive government program. He says, “Our trust remains in God, not government.” Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family agrees completely. I wonder if all residents of Lake Limbaughbeckegon would sign exclusivity affidavits limiting all their health care to God alone. Think of the money it would save. No hospitals or clinics to support. No prescriptions to buy. No HMOs to argue with. Hallucinations and visions replace Prozac and Lithium. Even Tim “Toolittle” Pawlenty, traveling around the country dumping on Democrats like a huge flock of Canadian geese, would endorse HeavenlyCare instead of MinnesotaCare.

If God were in control of all treatments, we wouldn’t have to worry about all the pre-existing conditions now placed as hurdles by health insurance companies. California companies have denied insurance coverage based on the following dangerous conditions: acne, bunions, hemorrhoids, therapy/counseling within six months of application, pregnancy, expectant fatherhood, toenail fungus, allergies normally controlled by Zyrtec, chronic tonsillitis, varicose veins, and this wonderfully worded general disqualifier – “currently experiencing/experienced within the last 12 months symptoms for which a physician has not been consulted.” Perhaps the sniffles, gas bubbles, pimples, loose stools, restless leg syndrome, the elation of a magnificent four-hour erectile function, or an infected nose hair. Can’t these people ever be embarrassed?

A lot of rich foreigners come to this country for complex medical care. We are very good and expensive at that. Saudi princes rent whole floors of hotels in Rochester so they can get their checkups and hangnails repaired. A Columbia University doctor recalls the time a Turkish billionaire came to the hospital and asked what a heart transplant would cost. When told it would run about $250,000, the man laughed and said, “Why, that’s less than a Ferrari!” But we may be even losing some of that type of medical market. Last year French doctors completed the first successful face transplant in the world. Last month Spanish doctors completed the first ever tongue and jaw transplant on a patient who had lost the bottom half of his face to a malignant tumor over 11 years ago. The doctors said he should recover his speech, the sensitivity of his tongue, and be able to swallow. The rest of the world is catching up to us.

The Tiny Gang of Six

Why Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid ever agreed to have six senators from the smallest states in the Union try to come to some “bipartisan” agreement on a health care bill is a mystery to me. The six senators represent only eight million of the 305 million people in the U.S.! Senator Kent “One-Point” Conrad, the beneficiary of the hot deal made by Countrywide Financial, represents fewer people than those who ride the New York subway every day. Democratic Senator Max Baucus, the chairman of the Finance Committee, represents fewer people than those who reside in Tulsa.

Republican Senator Olympia Snowe of Maine represents fewer people than those in the Louisville metro area. Democratic Senator Jeff Bingaman of New Mexico represents fewer people than those in Las Vegas. Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa represents the same number who live in San Diego. Republican Senator Mike Enzi of Wyoming represents a population the size of Augusta, Georgia. One would think that a California senator representing 38 million people might create a little more balance.

Red State Rednecks in Confederate Nut Country

Just 46 years ago while preparing to fly to Dallas, President John Kennedy said to Jackie: “We’re heading into nut country today.” Since then, changes in attitudes have enveloped the South, but there is a deadly residue of racial hate and jealousy that may endure for another century. Consider the “white” tree in the schoolyard at Jena, Louisana. Consider the log-chain murder of a Texas black man dragged behind a pickup for miles.

That’s why I was “journalistically” shocked when the Fargo Forum gave a “Leafy Spurge” to President Jimmy Carter for saying, and I quote the Forum editorial board: ”Anyone who disagrees with or criticizes President Barack Obama is racist.” Carter did not say that. Check it out. He actually said; “An overwhelmingly portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact he is a black man.” There is a real difference between “anyone who disagrees” and “ overwhelmingly disagrees.” Is there racism in the following words, placards, descriptions and references to Obama?

1. An aide to a Tennessee state senator e-mailed a cartoon showing dignified portraits of 43 presidents – and a spook for the 44th, with white eyes against a black background.

2. When a gorilla escaped from a Columbia, S.C. zoo, a Republican activist described the gorilla on Facebook as one of Michelle Obama’s ancestors. As a good evangelical, of course, he would never admit the gorilla might also be one of his relatives.

3. A poster seen at the D.C. Tea Party: “The zoo has an African lion and the White House a lyin’ African.”

4. Glenn Beck, the new hero of Faux News, has said Obama “has a deep-seated hatred of white people.” Years ago he was recorded as saying he would like to beat black Rep. Charlie Rangel “to death with a shovel.”

5. Trash Limbo, the guy with half a brain tied behind his back, told a black caller: “Take that bone out of your nose and call me back.”

6. Mark Williams, the talkshow mouthpiece for Dick Armey’s Freedom Works cult and Tea Party rallies, described Obama as “racist in chief” and “an Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug.”

7. At Tea Party rallies Obama has been called Hitler, racist, communist, socialist, Nazi, Stalin, Castro and Pol pot.

8. Sarah Palin said Obama was not “a real American.”

9. Tea Party posters also displayed Obama as a black witch doctor and an undocumented worker who was not born in the United States.

There are dozens of other citations and incidents to substantiate the fact that the Republican Party is still trying to use the “Southern Strategy” of turning white against black to gain votes. I would think the Forum editorial board would be able to recognize racism when they see it.

Did you read in a Forum column that there was “thin evidence” that Joe Wilson, the “You lie!” guy, was a racist? This was the thin evidence: (1) He’s a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, (2) he objected to the comments made by Essie Mae Williams-Washington, the daughter of former Senator Strom Thurmond and his family’s black maid, (3) he fought for years to keep the Confederate battle flag flying over South Carolina’s statehouse. Prejudiced? Why, not a bone in his body!

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