The Clydesdale Who Would Have Made a Great First Sergeant

By Ed Raymond
Staff Writer

I ran across Molly Ivins’s last book, “Who Let The Dogs In?” in a Phoenix Goodwill store, priced at $1.99 and couldn’t resist. Molly is my favorite columnist. I think she was much funnier than Mark Twain ever tried to be, particularly when it came to covering politics and politicians. Her piercing wit exploded the ego balloon of a Republican congressman: “If his IQ slips any lower, we’ll have to water him twice a day.” Her philosophy and journalistic style was wrapped up in this maxim: “The best way to get the sons of bitches is to make people laugh at them.” In a way she was a foul-mouthed broad. Every once in a while she would drop in a “- - - “ for emphasis, but her discriminating use had a certain class.

Born of well-off parents, she was educated at Smith College and at the Columbia School of Journalism. She was definitely not a “looker.” She described herself as a “Clydesdale among thoroughbreds.” With her sense of humor, a surplus of commonsense, her colorful language, and her biceps she would have made a terrific Marine Corps first sergeant. One of her most entertaining books was “Molly Ivins Can’t Say That, Can She?”

Mary Daly, the Catholic feminist who drove the Vatican and the Jesuits at Boston College nuts, recently died. Her death and the winning of medals by servicewomen in Iraq and Afghanistan for bravery in combat prompted me to write about women this week. Conditions for women have changed considerably in the last fifty years, but I’m going to cover a few thousand years in quick flashbacks just to show that Molly, Mary, and the female winners of Silver and Bronze Stars could have lived in any century and stood out.

Amazons, Valkyries, and Other Wonder Women

We are now debating whether women should be allowed to join combat units and fight next to men. Actually women have been involved in hand-to-hand combat between nations, tribes, and sects for thousands of years. In 1760 B.C. Eurypyle, the leader of an all-female army, was responsible for the capture of the capital of the Amorites in Babylonia. By 1300 B.C. most of the Hittite fortresses had walls covered with the images of women fighting with axes and swords, so it must have been a fact. Around 1200 B.C. a warrior queen named Vishpala lost a leg in battle, had an iron prosthesis fabricated, and returned to the fray. In 280 B.C. A Spartan princess named Chelidonis captained an all female guard unit on Sparta walls during a siege. She fought with a roped tied around her neck so she would not be taken alive. Records indicate that in the 4th century B.C. a Pythagorean philosopher named Timycha and his wife were captured by Sicilian soldiers. When a Sicilian leader started to question her, she bit off her tongue and spat it at him in a show of defiance. Google it up if you want.

In Norse mythology Valkyries are females who decide which warriors will die in battle. This must be true. Would Norwegians lie? After a battle the Valkyries would bring their choices to an afterlife hall called Valhalla, serve them mead (like Budweiser), and were rumored to sometimes make love in the back hall, although I can’t believe good Norwegian girls would do such a thing. Of course, some bad ones might. Sometimes they would join the fight. In one epic poem the Valkyries fly through the storm-laden sky with spears and waist-length mail armor drenched with blood. They return to Valhalla with their chosen dead while the arrows are still flying. Quite a scene.

And we cannot forget the Amazons, those all-female warriors in Greek mythology who cut off or burnt off their right breasts to facilitate the use of bow and arrows and the throwing of spears. The Greek historian Herodotus wrote they lived in the area of present Ukraine. According to some of the myths surrounding these warlike women, no men were allowed to live in their country and there were no sexual encounters—except for once a year. All males as a result of these encounters were killed or sent out into the country to die. This cultural process kept the Amazons from dying out. They did take men as slaves and did have sex with them to perpetuate the sect. Later the descendants of Amazons were allowed to marry men–but only after they had killed at least one man in battle. They were credited with inventing the battle-axe, one of the most fearsome weapons ever developed for hand-to-hand combat. The discovery of real warrior women in Asia Minor graves indicate that there may be some truth in all the Amazon legends.

Joining the Confederates to Kill 21 Males

The book “They Fought Like Demons: Women Soldiers In The Civil War” is a fascinating book recently published by the Louisana State University Press, covering the lives of about 400 women who joined combat units on both sides.
Confederate “Henry” Clark was wounded in the thigh on August 30, 1862 at the Battle of Richmond and was captured. When a Union medic started to treat Henry’s wound he suddenly realized Henry was really a women. Henry turned out to be Mary Clark, a divorced mother of two. The Union troops gave her a dress and told her they would release her if she swore not to return to battle. She quickly swore, and as soon as she left Union lines she threw the dress away and rejoined her unit. She was quickly promoted to lieutenant and served openly as a female. A young soldier wrote home: “Pa, among all the curiosities I have seen since I left home, one I must mention, a female lieutenant!”

Charlotte Hope’s fiancé was killed in the war so she joined the First Virginia Cavalry to get even. She vowed to kill 21 Yankees, one for each year of his life. She came close. Just like today, many women joined to get the bonuses. Private Sarah Wakeman (alias “Lyons”) received $152, more money than she had seen in her life. Some joined to escape prostitution, and some joined just for the hell and the thrill of it. Loreta Velasquez, also known as Lt. Harry T. Buford, signed up and later said: “I plunged into adventure for the love of the thing.”

Passing yourself off as a man was relatively easy in the 1860’s. Physical exams were often not given because “a warm body was a warm body.” Troops usually slept in their uniforms and used surrounding property as latrines because few troops could stand the smell of latrines anyway. Some women learned to swear like sailors (or already knew), and some even “dated” local women to carry out the charade. One woman fought in the battles of Richmond, Antietam, and Fredericksburg. She was promoted to sergeant because of gallantry in the three battles. Shortly after the promotion she gave birth to a child. It blew her cover.

What Does the Bible Say About Men and Women?

I wonder how a member of the Southern Baptist Convention who believes the Bible says a women can never rule over a man responds to Galatians 3:28: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is not male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” What does “all one in Jesus Christ” mean, Bible thumpers? St. Paul said in 1 Timothy 2 that women “must be silent.” “Silent” when? In bed? While peeling potatoes? While, like Joan of Arc, leading the French army against the English army? Should Mary Magalene have kept silent when Christ told her to tell the apostles he was ascending? Why did He pick a woman to “Go, report to my brothers?” Just where do the old men in the Bible–and the Vatican–and the Southern Baptist Convention-get all this crap about women? The Orthodox Jews thank God in prayer “who hast not made me a woman.”
The Muslims get into this “male superiority” kick by claiming that the testimony of a woman is worth only half of a man’s. I guess that’s why a Muslim woman must get four men to testify that she has been raped. Supposedly the Koran also states a woman cannot inherit as much as a man. I admit I have not read the Koran. I have enough trouble with the Bible, where you can find verses that support waffles or verses that support pancakes if you really look. Deuteronomy says that if a woman does not bleed on her wedding night, “the men of her town shall stone her to death.” Where’s the guy who stole her virginity? Do they use bigger rocks on him? Please read Galatians again.

Muslim men in the Taliban still throw acid in the faces of young Afghan girls to keep them from attending school. Many Hindu women in the back country of India are burned on the funeral pyres of their husbands.

Mary Daly, using her doctorate in theology and a full professorship at Boston College, described herself as a “radical lesbian feminist” and fought the Vatican’s oppression of women. She added to our vocabulary by using the terms “gynnocide” instead of “genocide,” “herstory” instead of “history,” and “misterectomy” in order to end “phallocracy.” Her attitude started when as a young girl she couldn’t serve at Catholic Mass but boys could. She was eventually fired for kicking men out of her theology classes at Catholic Boston College.

She and Molly Ivins made quite a pair. Molly, however, was not really against men; she was just against the stupidity of men. She often said she had voted for male candidates “so putrid that it makes your teeth hurt to think about ‘em. Why? Because they were better than the other guy.”

I think a perfect example of this type is the guy who is suing a New York strip club, claiming he has no idea what he did there. As reported in “This Week”, Gerry Wall had just two drinks in the Manhattan Hustler Club and then had a lap dancer take him into a private room. He can’t account for 90 minutes and ending up with a credit card charge of $21,620.60. Jerry’s the type who can really make your teeth hurt.

Four-Star Generals and Woman Leading Men in Combat

Just about three decades ago Billie Jean King was supporting her entire household with her tennis winnings after three Wimbledon titles and numerous other wins on the professional tennis circuit. But she couldn’t get a credit card in her name. It had to be in the name of her husband who happened to be a law student with no income. How times have changed. California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggergroper recently appointed General Mary Kight, a black woman, to command the 21,000 members of the California National Guard.

Of the 191,000 U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, more than seven percent are women. Since 2001, of the two million Americans who have fought in wars, more than 220,000 were women. 121 women have been killed and over 600 have been wounded. In 2008 we had 57 women serving as generals and admirals on active duty, with General Ann Dunwoody serving as a four-star, the highest ranking woman. Sixteen percent of our present forces are women.

Maybe the Y Chromosome Is Undergoing Some Modifications

The Y chromosome is the “male” chromosome. Some say it is changing. In 2007, 57 percent of the undergrads in college were women. Women now earn 62 percent of the BA biology degrees, 49 percent of the biology doctorates, and 44 percent of the math degrees. But only 26.5 percent of fully tenured professors are women.

The Bible says God told Eve in the Garden of Eden that “In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” How quaint. What Biblical nonsense. Perhaps more appropriate is this summary of the relationships between men and women:
In the beginning God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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