The Fiddler on the Roof is Now Using a Synthesizer

Every Harper’s magazine has a full page of little-known details punctuated by political, economic and governmental facts researched by nosy people and organizations. In the last issue researchers noted that since 1785 the human body has increased in size by 50 percent. The research included measuring skeletons stored in various monasteries, catacombs, and grave sites. Most anatomy experts say Tiger Woods, who at 6’ and 180 lbs causes other golfers to put both hands on their throats while they putt, has the perfect body for golf. In 1785 Tiger would have been a pussycat at 4’ 6” and 135 lbs. They say growth is a mix of nutrition, medicine and genetics.

I still remember my high school basketball team 60 years ago had the tallest kid on the team play center. He was 6’ 1”. On our football team we had a 130 lb. nose guard who was tough as nails and an all-conference player. When I was the principal at Fargo South in the 1970s I was one of the shortest males in the halls at 5’ 9”. We look at major college and pro football teams and see offensive and defensive lines average well over 300 lbs. and 6’ 4”.

I wish the researchers had also measured skulls to see if that bony structure had increased in size along with the fibula, tibia, and the big toe bone. After watching health care town halls for weeks, I suspect that the brain container has shrunk considerably in the last 200 years. This idea was reinforced last week when the Fargo Forum splashed the Viking signing of Brent Favre all over the front page. I guess having men and women die in two overseas wars and from lack of health care in this country doesn’t rate top coverage.

Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof: “Tradition! Tradition! Tradition!”

Papa Tevye in Fiddler On The Roof sings “And who has the right, as master of the house, to have the final word at home? The Papa, the Papa! Tradition. The Papa, the Papa! Tradition.” Lots of things have changed since the little people of 1785. And lots of things have changed in 2000 years.

Just before the Russian-Afghanistan War, a Russian archaeologist discovered six graves in northern Afghanistan while looking for Bronze Age artifacts. The graves were from 100 A.D. and contained bodies and artifacts of horseback-riding Bactrian nomads. One man was evidently the leader.

The site was described in notes: “Here the corpse is placed on a couch, round which, at different distances, daggers are fixed…. In other parts of the trench they bury one of the deceased’s favorite concubines, whom they previously strangled, together with his baker, his cook, his groom, his most confidential servant, his horses, the choicest of his effects, and finally some golden goblets.” There were more than 20,000 objects in the graves, including golden bangles, pendants, and dagger sheaths.

It was tradition that the leader’s most attractive concubine, horses, and servants die with him so they could serve him in an afterlife. It was tradition that valuable weapons, hardware, and jewelry be buried with him so he wouldn’t be penniless in an afterlife. I don’t know of any place on Earth that still follows this tradition, although Michael Jackson has not been buried yet.

In Fiddler on the Roof Tevye’s wife Golde sings her response to tradition: “Wife must know the way to make a proper home, a quiet home, a kosher home? Who must raise the family and run the home, so Papa’s free to read the holy books? The Mama, the Mama! Tradition! The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!”

The story of Fiddler on the Roof is based on the history of czarist Russia when the Jews faced murderous pogroms time and time again. The roles of men and women were established by “tradition.” The women made the home and the papas and the rabbis, all male, read the holy books. How the world has changed.

The Girl Who Runs Like a Man

Just a few days ago Caster Semenya of South Africa won the 800-meter run at the world track championships in Berlin in 1 minute, 55.45 seconds, beating the defending champion by almost three seconds. She won by such a margin the International Athletic Association Federation is questioning whether Caster is really a female. Her mom and dad think she is.

A picture reveals slim hips and a muscular upper body. Dolly Parton she ain’t. One would think they would check for a vagina and breasts, a couple of things that distinguishes females from males. Oh, but things are not that simple. She/he is going to have a gender test that involves a thorough physical exam and involves evaluations from a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist, an internal medicine specialist, and an expert on gender. All the tests will take weeks.

I guess the absence of penis and testicles may not determine gender. There are numerous cases of males who are in female bodies and females who are actually in male bodies. In the same 800-meter run in the 1934 Commonwealth Games Zdenka Koubkowa of Czechoslavia passed a genital exam. But years later she started to live like a man. If you are a geezer you might remember Mildred “Babe” Didrikson Zaharias who golfed like a man, and Renee Richards, a transsexual who dominated women’s tennis. Evidently the concubine strangled so she could accompany the Bactrian leader in his afterlife had the right equipment. Sometimes we humans are changing so rapidly we just can’t keep up with our bodies.

As an example, geezers are now suffering from a relatively new “misidentification” syndrome called the Capgras Syndrome. It is familiar to psychiatrists working with geriatric patients. In one significant case a patient had Lewy Body Disease which is quite similar to Alzheimer’s. He woke up each morning and could never be sure whether he would be welcomed by his wife – or four other women imposters he imagined were living in his house.

That’s nothing but trouble ahead, regardless of which dementia. In this case the man’s left-brain functioning was OK because he was able to control some of his perceptions – although he “knew” five women shared his house. I wonder if he walked around the house with a smile on his face. It’s too bad the Bactrian leader didn’t have Capgras Syndrome. His concubines might have survived his death.

All That Glitters is not Gold

I have a hard time believing this entry from Harper’s list but the experts say it’s true. They claim that the world’s supply of gold can be stuffed into a two-story townhouse. Millions of people have been killed over it, including the five sharing the tomb with the Bactrian leader. But it is symptomatic that gold continues to dazzle and warp the minds of greedy men and women as it did with the Bactrian and his gold goblets and pendants.

John Allison, chairman of North Carolina’s BB&T Bank, is the kind of guy that wants to gather all the gold to his bosom as the Bactrian leader did. He is a devotee of Ayn Rand, the author of the capitalist-worshipping “The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged,” two books that elaborate on selfishness. She later outlined laissez-faire capitalism in her book “The Virtue of Selfishness.”

We even have “prosperity” ministers today preaching the virtues of personal and individual wealth. One of the richest of the prosperity ministers was the Rev. Frederick J. Eikerenkoetter (“Ike”) who claimed he received a call from God to be a minister at the age of seven. He has always preached that salvation comes from personal success and material prosperity. He said the most important line in the 23rd Psalm is “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”

He also said: “The best thing you can do for the poor is not be one of them.” “Ike” always wore rhinestone-covered clothes, diamond tie pins, silver and gold bracelets, and huge rings covered with diamonds. He owned a personal fleet of Cadillacs, Bentleys and Rolls-Royces. He described his garages with this “Biblical” line: “My garages runneth over.” “Ike” died last week but I guess he went to the afterlife “rapturously” naked, unlike his Bactrian predecessor, because his cars are still in his garages and his clothes and jewelry are still in his closets.

Picking Brides and Grooms

The son in Fiddler On The Roof sings his part of tradition: “At three I started Hebrew school. At ten I learned a trade. I hear they’ve picked a bride for me. I hope she’s pretty. The son, the son! Tradition!” The daughter sings: “And who does Mama teach to mend and tend and fix, preparing me to marry whoever Papa picks? The daughter, the daughter! Tradition!” I wonder how many children the Bactrian leader had. His tomb did not reveal anything about his children – if any.

A nine-year 2,600-page investigation of Catholic Church reform schools and schools for the poor in Ireland catalogs 60 years of rape, physical and mental abuse, beatings and starvation by priests, nuns, and other workers between the 1930s and 1990s. Most of the offenses were committed by members of the Christian Brothers (!!) religious order. Not exactly aptly named.

The sins of the priests and nuns are most grievous. Here is an example of how they handled children: “I was an animal lover. There were wild cats and kittens going around starving, and I used to sneak them into the dormitory. I had a kitten. The nun called me one night. She said, ‘You see that kitten you have there?’ She got me out of my bed by the hair and brought me down, they had one of those stoves that you put the coal on top. She said, ‘Take that top off.’ I had to go up on my knees. I had to put the cat in there and put the lid on it – and the screams. Then she said, ‘Go back to bed.’ The next morning, she got me out of bed and she made me rake that fire out.”

This was the sworn testimony of a 12-year-old girl. The latest Harper’s has more horror stories of the treatment by “Christian” priests and nuns in schools. Throughout this period Irish bishops protected their priestly pedophiles with the same ferocity U.S. bishops and cardinals protected our religious rapists from arrest and prison sentences.

“The Times They Are a Changin’”

“Traditions” are changing as we learn about the past and contemplate improving our society and world. Our first lady Michele Obama, the chief Mama and the great-great-granddaughter of slaves, is maintaining the White House. Her ancestors helped build that house as slaves. I think it’s interesting that President Obama and his family are vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard, the playground of the rich. But it’s a little known fact that the blacks on Martha’s Vineyard before the Civil War were all slaves. Their descendants still live on one end of the island. I like the way Obama makes points.

I see a South Carolina man was recently charged with having sex with a horse. Stuff happens. But what is surprising is that Republicans have not been calling for restricting marriage to a female human and a male human because of this incident. Remember the Pennsylvania right-wing senator who said if same sex-marriage was passed humans would start marrying animals? Perhaps if the horse has a horse-child it would resemble the rear half and most likely be a Sarah Palin voter.

The idea we came out of evolutionary green slime or from God’s instant-Genesis regime of dust and rib might still be up for grabs, but now we know that Heaven will be very quiet, perhaps as quiet as Buffalo Commons. Hell will be crowded with raucous, gun-toting town hall participants and non-Baptist and non-Catholic believers. Papa Tevye really needs to study his “traditional” books on what the future foretells.

The Southern Baptists have determined that 70 percent of all Americans are going to Hell because they are not born again. Couple that with the Vatican’s canon that only Roman Catholics go to Heaven, I guess God will be making his own lunch and will have cucumber sandwiches with his only roommate, the Bactrian leader.

We can only pray that the fiddler on the roof has traded in his old fiddle for an electronic synthesizer and is leading us into the future.

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