The Most Expensive Animal, at $11,820 a Pound

After reading about what is happening to Brittany Spears, her sister, and her fans lately, I believe it is important for the emotional health of the country to begin a “Manhattan” style project to study the catastrophic mutant genetic qualities surrounding that famous disease called “celebritism.”

It has been reported that some wealthy people are so bored with their lives they have paid as much as $50,000 to have a table next to Brittany, Paris Hilton, and their psychotic wannabes at various Las Vegas casinos and “hot” clubs. That’s a very expensive ticket to watch the animals at the zoo perform outrageous acts.

What kinds of genetic forces exist that entice some humans to worship celebrities? I think it is serious enough that we need to have a national goal similar to the project that developed the atomic bomb in the 1940s. There is a genetic sickness similar to Ebola or Avian flu sweeping the world that must be contained or it will destroy societies around the world.

I believe it has reached pandemic levels because just last week I heard that Brittany has been paid between $200,000 and $400,000 just to “show up” at parties and other functions. A father paid a ticket scalper $4,000 so his 13-year-old daughter could attend a Hannah Montana concert. Does he want to be a parent or a friend? Is this sick or what?

There has to be a mutant gene infecting ordinary hardworking people and causing some hideous pandemic infection which removes all reason and balance from brains already weakened by years of TV, music videos, concerts, and stolen CDs.

To add further emphasis to this crisis, the AP reported that Brittany had to be removed from her home by ambulance to the psychiatric wing of the UCLA Medical Center on January 31 shortly after 1 a.m. No doubt the Los Angeles Police have been thoroughly infected by celebritism because they provided two squad cars, a dozen motorcycles, and two helicopters protecting the air space to escort her ambulance to the hospital. I repeat, is this a sick society or what?

Can Mice Make Our Lives Better and Help Us Discover the Celebrity Gene?

Perhaps you remember the mouse in the pocket of Lennie, the huge retarded partner of George in John Steinbeck’s memorable little novel “Of Mice and Men.” Lennie drew strength and solace from stroking the little mouse because it was his friend, but then—whoops—he stroked it too hard.

We too, depend upon mice and other animals to discover the secrets of DNA and genetics which might resolve the pandemic diseases of celebritism, Avian flu, Ebola, monkeypox, MSRA, and other human-animal infections. An article in the December ‘07 Harper’s outlines how important mice are in many areas of medicine and drugs. Written by Greg Critser, the article “Of Men and Mice” reveals probably more than we want to know about mice, but I had no idea how important mice are in our research until I had read the article.

United States researchers “consume” 80 million rats and mice a year in attempting to develop remedies for everything from Alzheimer’s to lack of zinc in the body. Factory mouse farms can breed mice that mimic depression, heart disease, Alzheimer’s, alcoholism, drug addiction, schizophrenia, and symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, including such specialties as obsessive hair-pulling by celebrities! The 2007 Nobel Prize for Medicine went to three doctors who helped develop mice with all of these different characteristics. Their work is so important to medicine that the National Institutes of Health recently budgeted $60 million to map the function of every known mouse gene.

There is big money in the breeding of the right mice. The most expensive mouse is known as black 6, first bred in the 1920’s. It dominates 80 percent of the market because the genetic heritage is consistent. Amazingly they have been inbred with sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers for over 100 years. As it is the “perfect” mouse for Alzheimer’s research, this 20-gram mouse now tops the market at $236.40 EACH, or about $11,820 a pound.

Black 6 mice bred with Alzheimer’s are currently being treated with such exotic materials as curry powder, essence of strawberry, ibuprofen, and black-cherry bark. Some of the treatments are showing promise.

How About a 45,000 Sq. Ft. Mouse Hotel?

The demand for more mice has produced some unusual building programs on university campuses and in the private sector. The Baylor College of Medicine has one of the largest building projects on the entire Baylor campus, a new 45,000 sq. ft. mouse factory farm called a vivarium. “Mousekeepers,” for lack of a better term, have learned that mice are pretty smart and that they demand good living conditions. We can’t just stick so many in a tiny cage and expect them to work for us. We use them in the place of humans for experimentation, and the funny part of it is that, mice, like humans, need to have “consistent novelty” in their lives. Mice seem to cherish the same developmental and learning arcs that we design for our children and pets.

Mousekeepers have also learned that just because the average mouse weighs in at 20 grams it doesn’t suffer any less from bad treatment because it is small. (Some giant mice weigh in at 50 grams.) Mice need maternal handling and nesting, burrowing and play opportunities. Some mousekeepers believe that mice flourish when they are presented with opportunities to “take control” of their environment. In other words, let them build “stuff.”

Many American labs keep four to six mice in 12-inch by 18-inch cages. Mice do not survive well in isolation. The author of the Harper’s article is also a researcher who has noticed that mice kept in isolation often go bonkers. Just like humans kept in isolation, the mice start repetitive circling and pacing, rearing up and down, and biting the bars on the cage or cell. But some mice just want to be alone at times, so perfect accommodations have not been developed yet.
Mice develop friendships while in cages. However, if strange mice are subjected to painful treatments they don’t seem to care. This is sort of like Dick Cheney, his office crew, Lurch, and our new attorney general practicing with our present “torture” policy. But mice exhibit what the mousekeepers call “I-can-feel-your-pain-but-only-if-I-know-you” if their friends are put in painful situations. Maybe administration leaders should take a trip to a mouse factory farm and learn what it takes to live in a society.

Researchers previously thought that only the higher primates had the intelligence to feel empathy. This “human” attribute was first noticed in gorilla, chimp, and monkey families. Any farmer or rancher has noticed the phenomenon of empathy among animals. Pick on a horse all the time and one of his friends is likely to get you in a stall and kick the hell out of you.

Assembly Line Work In The 21st Century

We may have lost prime manufacturing jobs to Mexico, China, and Thailand in the last few years but we are still very big in the mouse farm business. The largest mouse farm in the world is at Jackson Laboratory in Bar Harbor, Maine, housing hundreds of thousands of mice. Researchers can order mice with different genetic characteristics. There have been a number of spin-offs. Engineers and scientists have developed mouse ultrasound and imaging equipment, which allows a researcher to monitor the metabolic reactions on mice of any experimental drug. The mouse is anesthetized and a tiny oxygen mask is placed on its head. The mouse is then laid on a small platform similar to an MRI machine. The machine is turned on and the mouse’s internal organs light up huge on a screen so that the tiniest blood vessels can be seen. The machines are manufactured in this country and retail for $150,000 to $350,000, depending on the complexity of the unit.

Critser quotes Fred Roberts, who sold human imaging equipment for 18 years before shifting to animal imaging equipment: “If you had told me three years ago that I’d be selling mouse imaging systems, I’d have told you that you were crazy, but the more I peeled back the onion on this industry, the more I became convinced that this is where the future is.” There is also a billion-dollar market for mouse implants, mouse surgical instruments, and mouse gene sequencers. There is even a mouse Viagra for reluctant breeders. It is called Love Mash!

One of the disadvantages of mouse lab work is the stress of killing thousands of mice so their organs can be analyzed. Lab workers can take it just so long, then some need to go through grief counseling. Mice are still killed by quickly grabbing them by the head, and in one motion, jerking them by the tail to break the neck. Another oddity which doesn’t do the male ego much good: about 70 percent of male mice are killed at birth because they are often too aggressive to be used in studies!

From Joan Rivers To Joan Of Arc

There is some hope that we may solve the disease of celebritism by altering genes in the future. Through the magic science of genetics we have taken wolves and developed them into Miniature Chihuahuas to Great Danes. So far, just through accidental breeding, we have come up with women as diverse as Joan Rivers, Imelda Marcos, Joan of Arc, Marjorie Main, Marilyn Monroe, Eleanor Roosevelt, Lucrezia Borgia, and Ma Barker.

Let’s hope through genetics that future Brittanys will have some lasting talent and that their fans will have some control over their celebritism.