Rubber Chicken: Study of Hollywood Movies Shows Link Between Morality and Marksmanship

A Stanford University research group unveiled new findings on Tuesday that suggest a genetic link between a person’s moral character and their ability to aim a gun. After studying dozens of Hollywood action films, the group concluded that good people have excellent aim and bad people can’t hit a damn thing, even at close range.

“The evidence is overwhelming,” said Project Leader Dr. Brian Robenstern, PhD. “In almost every case, a hero can pop up from cover and pick off three bad guys with three bullets, but a villain will miss a hero from ten feet away almost every time. If anything, they clip a shoulder or a thigh. A mere flesh wound.”

Dr. Robenstern admits that the study proves direct correlation but not necessarily causation.

“We can only say for certain that the two are connected, but not that one causes the other,” he said.

So while the group is certain that morality and marksmanship are linked, the reasons why that may be remain a mystery. Theories to explain the phenomenon range from the belief that villains are too busy planning evil to practice shooting to the idea that God is on the side of good guys and against the bad.

“I personally think that villains are so tortured by their own conscience their hands shake when they try to shoot,” Robenstern speculated.

Not everyone is convinced that the Stanford group is on to something. Noted social scientist Gail Innson offered to show reporters many films that contradict the claims of Robenstern’s team.

“Just take a look at Oliver Stone’s ‘Platoon,’ where the saint-like Willem Dafoe character is gunned down in the back,” she said.

Justine Redlin, a graduate student working on the Stanford project, dismisses the attacks by Innson and others.

“Using an example like ‘Platoon’ invalidates the findings because it presupposes a U.S. equals good and Vietcong equals evil ground situation,” she said. “But we didn’t use films by people like Stone who want to explore that fuzzy gray area between pure black and pure white.”

Redlin says that the group concentrated on films a with a clear distinction between heroes and villains, typically those starring Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, or any former member of the World Wrestling Federation.  She also says that their work has inspired several copycat studies, such as Arizona State’s deconstruction of “Rocky IV,” where a team of researchers will attempt to prove that underdog capitalists are tougher than steroid injected super-commies. 

While everyone in the Stanford group agrees with the link, students such as Redlin have gone against their professor in the search for a cause. 

“My belief is that the answer can be found by inverting common assumptions,” she said.  “What if having good aim automatically makes you a good person because you understand your superior power?”

Despite the group’s confidence, detractors like Innson persist. 

“Innson suggested we study the world’s best marksmen and women, testing them on their moral and ethical values,” Dr. Robenstern said. “Why would we go to all that work when we can sit around and watch movies all day?”