I wonder, is it related to the solstice on Sunday, the longest day of the year? Is it related to the passing of the torch between our calendar years? Is it simply another energy shift that I talk about so much? I don’t know. I just know that this time I’m not running to shop on-line (even if it’s just to PUT stuff into my shopping cart and never buy it), I’m not running to my books, or friends, or cleaning (although Lord knows that MIGHT be a good thing for all concerned). This time, even though these feelings are really painful, I’m choosing to just stay, and face them head-on. I think they are like the ghosts on Harry Potter that just swoosh right through your gut, leaving you feeling cold and creeped out, but still alive. At least, that’s what I’m HOPING will happen.
I miss my mom - it’s been a little over 5 months since her death. Memories come floating to my consciousness, then, if I’m quiet, like a deer they walk tentatively up to me, waiting for something. What? For me to scare them away? For me to run away and try to escape? There’s nowhere to run - they always find me, like the dark cloaked man in my nightmares - I still hear his footsteps as he calmly walks over to the bed, under which I’m hiding, lies down on it, and says quietly, “No matter where you go, I will find you.” Fabulous, thanks for sharing. Only it’s okay, really, it is, because HE is ME. These feelings, this sadness deep inside me? It IS me, so no use running, and it’s okay. So I go to just sit some more, take a few deep breaths, close my eyes, and just BE.
Do you feel what I feel? Lots of my friends DO, and God help us all - what can we do? Send love and support and encouragement to the whole darned world, because, well, we need it right now. Will this pass? Yes, I’m confident it will, eternal optimist that I am. Is it pretty crappy right now? Yup, pretty darned choppy - I pretty much look like hell. Will life go on? Yes, beautifully, and in perfect orchestration, of THAT I’m positive. I may not know WHY, but I trust. I have to, it’s all I’ve got right now…
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